Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Humbug


Ok guys. I'm admitting defeat. Packing it in. Throwing in the towel and all that. On this holiday stuff that's just so cheery and infectious. Everyone out on the internet is decorating and baking and crafting the shit out of this holiday, and it's made me feel less than adequate. I can't keep up

(I watched "Keeping Up With the Kardashians" for the first time the other weekend, and nothing really made a lot of sense and they kept doing stuff and maybe going to Miami and having a baby and all this weird stuff, and I said "I can't keep up with these Kardashians" and THEN I realized that what I said is basically the name of the show. But I didn't even realize that because TV totally brainwashed me. So now I have to rethink all my brand loyalty because I just can't trust myself anymore. And I have to buy toothpaste tonight and I don't really know the difference between Crest and Colgate, and I just want something to protect my enamel because I'm deathly afraid I'm losing enamel on my teeth) 

So I've developed a plan. This year for my New Year's Resolution, I'm going to resolve to start making resolutions, so that next year I can resolve to get this holiday crap done EARLY, like summertime. Actually last night I bought gift tags on sale for me to use next year because I already have all my gift tag stuff worked out for this year. And I have TWO sets of unused Christmas cards that I can NOT use next year, and some tissue paper from already opened presents that's not too crumpled.

Did you see what happened there? A hoarder was born. I even have 2 cats already and their litter box is pretty, pretty full. "Do NOT touch that poop. Do NOT touch it. Wait, I need to go through that bag. There's old foreign newspapers and disappointing Kathy comics that I cut out like a crazy person. I shouldn't be allowed to have scissors. But my scissor room is over there. I've got millions of them. In that room there, with my shower curtains and Fraggle Rock toys. Watch out for that cat! Oh wait, it's dead. Nope, it's a raccoon. Nope, it's one of my babies. SOMEONE PROCREATED WITH ME."

Bless this mess.

Friday, December 10, 2010

Get This!

In one week (more or less), I will be going to the Museum of Natural History, a NY Knicks/Miami Heat basketball game, and the Brooklyn Flea Market. Could I BE more excited? No. 

via
Now, what did I find interesting or hilarious or ridiculous this week?

Body fishing in China: "...somebody has to do it, right? Otherwise our river might get too full with bodies."

A creepy interview with a creepy hand model. She seems so dumb and weird.

Changing your name to Captain Awesome? Awesome. (I'd aim pretty low though, because I'm modest like that, and go with something like "Crew Member Just OK")

Pasta carpet

Ducks being blown away by the wind. Oh my! (The music to go with this video is questionable)

I've always wondered what it's like to be the captain of a cocaine submarine.

I want to have a private library with this sort of stuff one day. Not public. Private.

I wish my street had pretty painted stripes.

And that's the end of that chapter!

Happy Weekend! I'm gonna sleep for one million hours this weekend.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Mitten Kitten?

What... are... YOU?

Donna Wilson

"I'm witty and sneaky, I like playing hide and seek and dislike tomatoes."

I love mittens, and I love kittens, but this sorry guy just fills me with all sort of rage and disappointment. He seems neither mitten nor kitten. BLAH!

Jellyfish

I feel a little bad if these are killed specifically to be placed in glass, but they're pretty nonetheless.

Dam & Karlslund Glas

Although, apparently jellyfish are pretty much taking over the world, so I think people should maybe stop eating little lambs and cows and things and maybe start scarfing down on some of these sea monsters.

Discover Magazine

Jellyfish creep me out. They totally belong in outer space.

Friday, December 3, 2010

Get This!

I got a ticket for not wearing a bike helmet. What a bunch of fascists.

I think the government is in cahoots with helmet manufacturers, just like they are with Big Tobacco and all those other evil corporations. Obviously the Big Helmet guys have way better lobbyists because so many people buy into this idea of helmets being safer, but some studies show that's just not true. There's a major government cover-up here, man. And I just became a victim. I'm always a victim. Like the time I was in the express line at the supermarket and the guy in front of me had a cartload of groceries and he's like "oh sorry, didn't realize it was an express lane" as he's unloading all his crap, and I'm standing there holding my foil balloon thinking "why did I line up behind this moron?". But then I realized I was the moron for standing behind him. See there I was a victim of my own stupidity. And it hurt.

Aqua Velvet Retro Graphica - Mid-Century Album Covers

Oh well. La di da. It's Friday, bitches! Here's the nonsense I've been filling my head with:

Facebook involved in 1 out of 5 divorce cases.WTF and LOL. Check out these facebook sneakers too. I'd divorce someone if they wore those.

A letter from a little girl urging Abe Lincoln to grow a beard. "All the ladies like whiskers". True dat, little girl.

I would love to make this pretty wine bottle light thing, but the chance of me severely injuring myself drilling a hole through glass is pret-tay, pret-tay, pret-tay good.

400, 000 square feet, 50-person cinema, multiple swimming pools, ballroom, staff of 600, $200,000 monthly electric bill. Who are you? Mr. Burns? Do you have albino rhino slippers too?

Because of all those chuckleheads that needed to feel like they made something, I now need to add fresh eggs, milk and oil when I bake cakes using cake mixes. Kidding! I don't bake, silly!

Avoiding your father right now? You're probably fertile and want to screw him.

I'm kinda glad this week is over. I'm pooped. But then another one is just gonna start again next week. The weeks just keep coming and coming and they don't stop. Just like the mail. Except my mail. I don't seem to get any. Unless you count "current occupant".

Have a slappy, happy weekend!

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Drawing Cats

Americans, please tell me that one of you bought this groupon deal for a hand drawn cat from I Want to Draw a Cat For You. $3! One of the highlights is: "confusing holiday gift".

I was bummed that it was only for U.S. residents. Well, first I was mad. Then I was a little sad. Then I was hungry. And then I was sad again. And then I cried. And Maggie cried. Then she laughed. She's such a little trooper.

The point is: I drew some cats. 

Hades is a confused little fellow who's scared of bugs, peanuts and audible breathing. He enjoys walking backwards really slow, constant meowing and throwing up. His favourite book is: magazines.



Marley is a downtown alley cat from Peg Gritty who doesn't take no for an answer. She enjoys stealing food, breaking shit and giving sass. Her favourite food is: McNuggets.


Speaking of cats, have you seen this cat town in Florida some guy built? There's a cat-sized Walmart with little shopping carts. Meow I've seen it all.

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Hamburger Cookies

The other weekend I actually did something. Since baking just sort of boggles my mind, I tried my hand at "assembling". So I assembled me up some hamburger cookies (vanilla wafers, mint patties, icing and sesame seeds).



My adorable little niece, Leta, helped out too! Isn't she cute? A friend of mine says she looks like Shrek. Haha... she kinda does. That probably makes me the donkey.



It was a lot of hard work, but it's over. So that's my domestic task for the year.

Monday, November 29, 2010

Balloon Lamp

I love balloons, and sometimes lamps too! (From La TĂȘte Au Cube)

Although I'm pretty sure I don't need to spend 32 € to put an LED light inside a balloon. Oh wait, the switch part. Well, mine will just be ON I guess. It's kind of like a positive statement piece, like when Yoko Ono had a ladder that climbed up to a sign that just said "Yes". My "Always On" balloon lamp will kind of be like that.

Friday, November 26, 2010

Get This!

I knew a boy that could swallow frogs whole and regurgitate them hours later and they'd hop away. My brother and I  made that boy swallow so many frogs that summer.

So here's how I wasted my time this week. My sweet, sweet time.
National Geographic
Do you think the statue is slowly coming to life now? Maybe this means another Ghostbusters movie.

I now can waste even more of my time here. On my death bed, when I'm telling my grandchildren about all my regrets in life (never watched Dexter or the movie "UP", for example), at least I won't have to say "I never spent enough time on the internet, looking at things". What a relief.

Johnny Rotten farts Jamiriquoi frontman Jay Kay out of first class seat. Maybe I can try to fart my way INTO first class.

"Posterboys of Intolerance" - Guido and Detlef the gay German vultures.

"You losers can keep totin' moleskins."

Rat vs. Cat. Oh my.

Boobs in 3D. Oh my.

Men don't like cuddling? Shut. Up.What about this cuddly looking bear? No? Dangerous? But he looks so sleepy. Wait! Wait a minute. Wait. Can you cuddle bears while they're hibernating? Also, do bears poop while they're hibernating? I don't want to be pooped on.

Have a holly, jolly weekend! (I've been feeling festive!)

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Teepee for Kitties

Montreal Designers
I really want my cat to hang out in a teepee. All my life, that's all I've ever wanted.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Folk Embroidery

I have a terrible habit of thinking I can do or make everything myself, and unless it's a pretty basic sandwich, that simply is not true. "Pfft, I can weave that rug", "Pfft, I can bake my own bread", "Pfft, I can diagnose myself".

Parna
Parna
So when I hear myself say "I can embroider like that", I'm starting to feel a bit like a crazy person. What is this fantasy land I live in? I have no magic and I can feel the cold. I don't even have any peanut butter at home. What sort of person chooses this kind of fantasy to live in? A crazy person. And that's me.

I love this embroidery, and I wish I had a grandma that did this sort of stuff. My grandma plays bingo and cries a lot.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

To Do List...

That, let's face it, will likely be for the most part ignored.

1. Make a wreath. I like this square one.

via Post-College Working Girl

2. Buy some fabulous mittens for Casie as part of a mitten swap. This one actually will get done. I promise you, Casie.

3. Write Christmas cards to be mailed so people actually get them at Christmas. (I don't know if this is a brilliant idea or not, but I'm debating writing cards for maybe multiple years in a row and just sort of rotating a standard greeting around. That's something Scrooge would do, isn't it? I have no cheer.)

4. Do some sort of baking or vacuuming or something to contribute to the household.

5. Read a book. Not a comic book.

6. Do something amazing with felt balls.

I hope I do at least 3 of things. That's a pass, right? Just trying to scrape by in life.

Missing Unicorn

So someone went around and put 2000 posters up for a missing unicorn in NYC.

I can't decide if this is a really cute idea, or a really stupid one. I think the idea of a missing unicorn poster is sorta fun, but then if you think about making a poster, getting 2000 printed, schlepping all over town to put them up, creating a website, and all that EFFORT. Well. That just seems nuts.

The Missing Unicorn in Oregon
Oh wait. It's art. But then so is a poo necklace?

I started googling things about evidence of unicorns and then found out about real people that have grown horns out of their foreheads, so then I started googling about those monsters. I mean people. And then I found this horrible page called: 16 Most Horrific Human Growths of All Time

So if you've recently swallowed poison and need to get that out of your system, have a little peek. I always thought one of my most irrational fears was being on that TLC show "I didn't know I was pregnant", but now I think it may just be developing "gigantic face tumour".

Monday, November 22, 2010

Sesame Street Mittens

I've got mittens on my mind, and I'm loving these Sesame Street ones from Urban Outfitters.

Bert, Oscar the Grouch, Ernie, Cookie Monster

But where the eff is BIG BIRD?

Friday, November 19, 2010

Get This!

My mom got knocked off her bicycle by a GOOSE! That always makes me laugh! Man, I wish I was there for that.

via
Things I found interesting on the internet this past week:

Old space movie shots. I need to see this. Or live this.

Prettily packaged goods carried by a new grocery store in Vancouver. I would almost buy those sardines just for the tin. But then I'd feel sorry for the sardines.

I have an incredible sense of smell. Uh oh.

Pretty little deer print . La dee da!

James Blunt prevented World War III? That. Is. Bananas.

I don't totally understand this math joke, but I have a feeling it's really clever.

I guess I'll have to start doing things naked to get things done. I'm a terrible procrastinator. I'll just start enjoying my weekend on Monday, that's how bad I am. Did that joke make sense? Was that a joke? I don't know. If James Blunt saved the planet, I just don't know what to think any more.

That's it. I'm going bowling. Last time I bowled I got a turkey! (That's 3 strikes in a row, for all you non-bowlers. As if there are any non-bowlers!)

Later, boners!

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Efreeme Giveaways

Hey-o! Want $50 to spend on efreeme.com? Go enter some giveaways!

Art Deco Bangle
$50 giveaway here: The Lil Bee
$50 giveaway here: Yes and Yes
$50 giveaway here: So About What I Said 
$50 giveaway here: Busy Bee Lauren

Krystal over at Village also wrote a blog post about us, and her blog is better than hungry hungry hippos.

If you sell handmade or vintage goods you should look at selling on efreeme. It's more fun than playing Operation. (I'm feeling a little nostalgic with my board games today).

I just had to sort of plug efreeme a little bit today, and I also wanted to share these giveaways going around.

And... that's it. I feel a little awkward now.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

My Christmas Guide - Part 2

So I'm a little greedy. I love presents. I balance it out by also loving to give presents. But then I also love to give myself presents a lot, so maybe it's not so balanced.

Skova Elephant Necklace
Elephants are so magical. Some friends once told me a story about an elephant in Thailand that was abused as a little baby by this one trainer, and later on when he was grown and saw the trainer again KILLED him! But never harmed any other people. I don't really remember the storyline to Rambo, but I think this elephant is kind of like Rambo. The trainer drew first blood and now he got his come-up-ins.

Timex Easy Reader
I'm trying to turn myself back into a "watch person". I used to live in my Rescue Rangers watch when I was like, eleven. This is a more grown up watch than a watch with two squirrels on it. I've matured.

Francine Bracelet by Barrett Alley
I have elephant sized wrists, so I wouldn't dare ever buy a bracelet without trying it on or having it advertised as an anklet, because my wrists probably are the same size as your ankle. And my ankle is probably the same size as your neck. Jewelry is all  mixed up for me.


Friends of Trees by Dan Stiles
The mountain guy reminds me of Grimace a little! He was my favourite. Hamburgler was ok, but in a weird way he reminded me of my grandpa.
Rag & Bone Fair Isle Mittens
Yes. I do need mittens that cost $195. They're my fancy pair I wear to events. Like hangovers. It's a good thing they have dummy strings because I would not want to lose these fancy mittens. I don't like to lose any sort of mittens. I don't even like to lose buttons. I'm a terrible loser.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Le Ballon Rouge

via Uppercase
This is one of those movies that I sort of think I've seen but really I don't think I have. What is a fact, though, is that I want to see it. More importantly, I want a big round red balloon like that. That's the real lesson here.

Friday, November 12, 2010

Get This!

via
I once waterboarded someone (sorta). It's not a Liz Lemon quote like last week, but it's something. I was pouring beer into Duncan's mouth while he was lying down and pretty much didn't stop until he choked on it. By accident. I was shocked at myself. Shocked and ashamed.

But anyways, here is what I've starred in my reader this week, because it made me laugh, made me scowl, or made my eyes twinkle. Maybe all three.

I will never get sick of amazing nature photos. Never.

Do you know why I love nature so much? Because porpoises rescue Dick Van Dyke.

Some more vintage travel posters.

This cat family is the cutest.

I want to try making this recipe, but think I'll end up doing something like this instead.

Crazy beauty advice:   "If you like liquor, have it straight. Mixed drinks add calories and fluid. A straight whiskey will get you where you want to be as quick as a Manhattan, and you'll be thinner when you get there."
—Polly Bergen, Polly's Principles (1974)


Right-o. But I do prefer a nice beer in a pink plastic garden flamingo. Whiskey seems to lead me to night swimming, and it's a tad cold for that. And there's no way I'm wrestling with a wet suit after a few drinks. I somehow feel like that could be dangerous, maybe with a risk of suffocation. I'd find a way to make it dangerous. I thrive on danger. I eat expired food, like, ALL the time.

Have a great weekend, full of danger and mystery and pancakes!

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Story Books

I loved reading books when I was little. I want to say that I still love reading, but since I haven't read a book in probably a year or so, I'm resisting that urge. Wait, does Snoopy count? He's actually pretty clever you know. I love when he's the red baron.

Anyways, here are some of my favourite childhood story books:

Corduroy
I loved Corduroy. Look at that cute little bear. He lost a button! Didn't he seem so sad in a way? Sad and cuddly. What a combination! I loved that bear. I bet you money I cried during this story. I probably still would. I cry at almost anything on the Family Channel. Especially when a nerdy underdog tries out for a sports team and then against all odds saves the game in the final seconds.

But No Elephants
But I love elephants! Listen old lady, just let the elephant come in the house. You can't discriminate based on species. There's just not P.C. I would let every animal in the house I think. Duncan says the cats aren't allowed in the bathroom, but I still let them in. I'm fighting for animal rights every single day. It's a real struggle.

Popcorn
Halloween party and a house full of popcorn! There is no way they could've eaten all of that popcorn. But that's why it's a story and not real life. I could maybe eat a closet full of popcorn though. OH YES I CAN.

The Goat in The Rug
This story is about a girl and a goat and a dream. A dream to make a rug. So she gets the wool from the goat, the pigment from the berries around her house and she spins and weaves, and there's a loom involved and the goat is always happy. I'm gonna be so pissed off at myself if I go through my entire life without being friends with a goat and making a rug from his wool. For SURE in my top 10 things to do in life. Goat. Rug.

Walt and Pepper
Look at that sassy cat! Such a classic cat and dog story. They each stare out of their own windows, across the street from one another, and threaten to bite and claw the other to pieces. Every day. Oh man, do they hate each other. Until one day, Pepper is not at the window anymore. And Walt thinks Pepper has backed down. So he feels all tough and prances around proudly at his window, thinking "shit, ya!" The next day too. Still  no pepper. And the next and the next. Walt breaks down a little, starts getting soft. He's a little worried about Pepper. He misses Pepper. "I went too far" he thinks. But then! Pepper is back at the window! And their tails are wagging and they're smiling. Turns out they sort of love each other. And the romantic comedy was born.
Gertie & Gus
This book was based on that proverb about leading a horse to water, but not making him drink. No. That's the wrong one. It's give a man a fish and he'll eat it, or teach a man to fish and he'll eat lots of fish. That one. The only thing is that success gets to their head, and they start buying nets and boats and diamonds, and shit just ain't real for them anymore. The bear just wants to eat his fish, but his woman bear wants this fancy lifestyle like the Real Housewives have. I forget exactly what happens, but somehow they make up and just eat their fish forever and forever.

Pickle Things
Now I've never read this book, but I'm pretty sure I'd love it. It's a pickle in some sort of Victorian tower house? Yes! And he looks like a happy fella! Do you think he gets himself into a "real pickle"? What sort of adventures would a pickle have, I wonder. I'm pretty sure that tasty little guy would be having an adventure straight into my mouth! I think I need to read this book. I'm pretty sure I could squeeze it in amongst my Snoopy reading.

I'll start reading adult books again. One day.

Monday, November 8, 2010

Chihuly

I don't think I'd ever want to stand underneath one of these chandeliers, but they're sort of amazing to look at! Whenever I've seen glass blowing, I always sort of want to touch the burning hot glass. I think I'd want to touch lava too. It sort of sounds like this "survival of the fittest" thing may not be such a great thing for me, hey?



I really love looking at glass pieces, but they always seem so impractical. Especially these. These seem a little murderous. I tried googling things like "death by chihuly" and "chihuly glass accident death" and things like that, but found nothing. I think I've stumbled onto a major cover up operation here. Don't be too flattered if I send you a Chihuly sculpture and a case of wine. I probably want you dead.

(All photos from Chihuly.com)

Friday, November 5, 2010

Weekend!

via
Yes! I love weekends. I always have such hopes and dreams that I'll actually do something really exciting on the weekend. Like make a knot board. But I usually spend my time watching TV and being hungover. Not this weekend! This one is different. I have NO TV and NO INTERNET still. I'm gonna do shit! Like listen to records, play at the beach with my niece, screen print some tote bags for the Got Craft show, play basketball, unpack...

Yes, I feel the motivation coursing through my veins.

I also thought that I, like many, would start sharing things I found funny, interesting, amusing or dumb on a weekly basis, so then it feels like there's a reason for me to "star" things in Google Reader. So here's what I starred in my reader this week:

Tutorials (I hope I actually do these ones!): Earring display & Cuckoo Clock!

Married people are no fun and spend less time on personal care.

Mid-Century Album Covers

I keep wanting watches!

A sombre speech in the event of a moon disaster.

How had I never heard of Niki Jones before? Vintage quilts! I need to win the lottery.

Yearly photo at a shooting gallery. (It's sad no one's crowded around her in the last one! Aw.)

Oh man, I want to eat this so bad right now. (I've got a stupid salad for lunch)

Later, boners!

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Get this!

My gynecologist committed suicide!

No, that's wrong. But that's the only line I ever think of when I say "Get this!" now. Thanks, Liz Lemon.

But get this! Some lovely lady passed along a blogging "award" to me, and seeing how I'm trying to participate in things a bit, I'll participate in this one too. As with everything else in life, there are rules. I hate rules. 5 second rule? Nope. No sex in the champagne room? Nope.

But let's see these rules:

1.  Thank and link back to the person that gave you the award. Boom. Done.
2.  Pass the award on to 15 amazing bloggers you’ve happened upon and love. Oh. ok. I see.
3.  Contact those bloggers and let them know they’ve won. Oh man, that's lots of work.
4.  State 7 things about yourself. Ok, but I need a drink first.

So 15 amazing bloggers in random order from my reader:

Bitchin' Camero - great food blog, and her photos are gorgeous. I dont' even like food blogs much and I NEVER follow recipes, but even I tried to make these repochetas. I screwed them up a little but I blame the lack of good corn tortillas in this town.

Catalog Living - I know it's really popular so it's probably nothing new to most, but I think it's funny and look forward to the posts.



Dear Libby - Kendyl and I were good friends growing up and she's an amazing artist. One time we drew all these amazing things in sidewalk chalk on the sidewalks near her home (well, she drew them and I helped colour them in) and then a mean lady made us wash them all off with a hose. It was a sad day for the arts. (Also, she made that awesome cake above)

lovemaki - her blog always looks pretty.

Checks and Spots - Always interesting! Check out these hyena men

erban - adorable dogs in red wigs? YES!

{ bug miscellany } - I had to look miscellany up just now to make sure I knew what it meant. A fun, well rounded blog that I enjoy to read!

Huzzah Vintage -  They do lots of amazing giveaways and the blog is awesome and hilarious. Proud to be sponsoring them this month (well, efreeme is, which is basically my own damn pocket).

The World in Bricks - They haven't posted anything since May, but still. Does this count? It's lego art!

Cornflake Dreams - A new blog to me that I've been enjoying very much. Very, very pretty.

 
Tiny Warbler - A very dear friend with a beautiful blog that she admittedly neglects. I still like it though, and it just makes it that much more exciting when I see it bold in my reader and I think "Yes!". I have passed this paper garland tutorial on to quite a few people, because it's one of the best looking paper garlands I've seen. Wouldn't you agree?

That's 11 now. Good enough? Let's just call it a day. Also, is it ok if I don't contact each of them? Who do I speak to about that?

The important thing is that I tried my best. My best just happens to be sub par. (I'm going to do those 7 things about me tomorrow, or maybe one of the other days after that. Ok?)

Log Driver's Waltz

Lately I've been feeling a little patriotic. Which is kind of a stupid way to feel if you ask me. But I do love me some maple syrup and that log driver's waltz.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Working Animals by Mattias Adolfsson

I love illustrations. I wish I could draw even a little bit. I think I could just draw animals all day.

I love these busy guys by Mattias Adolfsson. (via Behance Network)



I wish my cat could saw things for me, maybe build a shelf or table or something. It just pooped on the floor the other day! What a jerk.

What do you think these guys are building? A ship? A museum? A dinosaur?

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Bug Log

Years ago, I rented a place for a few months that ended up having bed bugs. The guy we rented from was a movie set decorator, and the decor in his place could only be described as "70's porno pad". Think velvet paintings, signed photos of topless women (one was a busty lady named Watermelon who sold mushrooms at the nude beach), excessive lava lamps, mirror headboard, polaroid cameras, and leopard print blankets. It was pretty awesome, even though we had to deal with our toothless neighbour, Floyd, who I'm pretty sure smoked crack in the stairwells.

So we had bed bugs. It was pretty terrible, but we only realized this about 2 weeks before we were moving out, so it wasn't so much our problem. We started a "bug log" which was pretty ridiculous yet pretty glorious at the same time. I even emailed it to the guy we were renting from (he never replied). And this would be the part where I preface this madness by saying that we were dead sober, but that would be lying.

via
Bug Log Archive
Bug Date 03/10/06
Bug Population: 200 - infinite
Bug Population in Captivity*: 4

*Captive in Crazy Glue Cylinder

17:04:00... Bed has now been made and prepared for slumber... problem ignored.
18:22:00... Homeland Security Advisory System: Code Red - Severe Risk of Bug Attack. Panic spreads among inhabitants, supported by the NRA, Coca Cola, NBC and Tom Hanks.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Bug Log

Bug Date 03/20/06
Bug Population: Unknown - believed to be in hibernation, possibly migration(?)
Bug Population in Captivity*: 0

*Previous captive population flushed down toilet in fear of prison break

11:14:00... Bedroom quarantined. Bug chemical deterrent applied on box springs and areas of habitation. Study of bug behaviour leads to hypothesis that pre-determined feeding habit may be followed, perhaps led by "super" bug, resulting in a fluctuation of frenzied feeding periods followed by bouts of stagnant hibernation. Hibernation ensues.
16:55:00... Quarantine period concluded. Absence of observed casualties baffle humans. Febreeze distributed to freshen quarantine zone. Freshening successful.
18:39:00... Further study of behaviour reveals that bugs may be attempting to appear that they have left the area of infestation. Although bites remain, physical evidence of bugs remains minimal. Conclusion: Bugs: 1, Humans: 0
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 

Conclusion: The psychological and behavioural study of bed bugs remains a mystery to all. Discarded mattresses outside the observed infested area lead to the theory that infestation is not an isolated problem. Chemical warfare has been unleashed upon the opposing bugs. No casualties have yet to be observed, making the bugs a worthy adversary indeed. Operation "Shock and Awe" commences under pretense of illogical nuclear arsenal in bug possession.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ok. At least I used lots of big words. I also worked at home at that time and didn't go outside too much and used a lot of that bug poison, so I think those factors all combined to make me just a little bit of a psychopath. It was temporary. I'm cool now.

Although I still send a lot of stupid emails to the lucky people in my contacts. Luckily, I've discovered the undo button in gmail, which gives me a few seconds at least after I hit send on a stupid email. (Although I'm usually like "nope, that's gold!" SEND!). So now I'm sending this off to the internet. GOLD!

Friday, October 29, 2010

Vintage Travel Posters

When I was younger, my only dream was to travel around the world. I had delusions of being some sort of wandering free spirit that didn't wear shoes and said "right on, man" and smoked from hookahs and had run ins with foreign police. I'd be a cross between Dean Moriarty and Sissy Hankshaw, and I'd be on the road. Just GOING, ya dig?

Turns out that's crazy talk. I'm way too simple for those sort of adventures. I would probably explode. I quite literally had a dream last night that I was in an elevator. And that was it. Just being in an elevator. So my dreams have changed a little bit. I've lowered my expectations a tad.

UNLESS we're talking about time travel. THAT I would be all over. I love the big ol' stupid internet, and sure it makes things easy, but it really takes away the romance and mystery of travel. Places just don't really seem exotic anymore. I want to live and travel in Hemingway's Africa, in Kahlo's Mexico, in Glassco's Paris, in Neruda's Chile. In their times. When pianos bars were smoky and filled with jazz and blues and the air of revolt! When the early morning streets were dirty and dusty and filled with songs fueled by tequila! When the air was filled with voices and language and laughter and secrets!

These posters take me there. To that time, to those places, to that magic. (All images from grain edit)

I can not believe people actually shoot animals. Come on. Watch some Disney movies. Side note: I almost got hit with a piece of a toilet bowl at a football game in Argentina. Another note: I did get hit with a frozen fish at a hockey game in Canada. I know what it's like to be a target. 

I love this. TABLES TURNED. Nowadays I've heard of radioactive boars being on the rise around there, which probably makes hunting a lot more interesting. And more radioactive too.

I went to Switzerland and had a cheese fondue, and it totally makes sense that they advertise cheese as a reason to visit. DEE-licious. Second reason to visit: cows wearing bells on their necks.

 
I would definitely go to Finland if I got to go there by way of flying fish plane. Maybe even in a regular plane.


 
I want to go to Africa so bad, but I sort of die in the heat. Also, a lot of what I know about Africa comes from those commercials about foster kids, and I really don't like the idea of flies crawling all over my face. The other bit I know about Africa comes from the Simpsons episode where they win a trip there.  "I want to ride in a convertible with zebras, punch out Mohammad Ali, shoot a lion in the face..."

I love Paris, even though there's lots of dog poop. The bums drink wine out of paper bags in the streets! You know what's in the paper bags here? Glue and syphillis and a world of broken dreams.
There was an error in this gadget