Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Bug Log

Years ago, I rented a place for a few months that ended up having bed bugs. The guy we rented from was a movie set decorator, and the decor in his place could only be described as "70's porno pad". Think velvet paintings, signed photos of topless women (one was a busty lady named Watermelon who sold mushrooms at the nude beach), excessive lava lamps, mirror headboard, polaroid cameras, and leopard print blankets. It was pretty awesome, even though we had to deal with our toothless neighbour, Floyd, who I'm pretty sure smoked crack in the stairwells.

So we had bed bugs. It was pretty terrible, but we only realized this about 2 weeks before we were moving out, so it wasn't so much our problem. We started a "bug log" which was pretty ridiculous yet pretty glorious at the same time. I even emailed it to the guy we were renting from (he never replied). And this would be the part where I preface this madness by saying that we were dead sober, but that would be lying.

Bug Log Archive
Bug Date 03/10/06
Bug Population: 200 - infinite
Bug Population in Captivity*: 4

*Captive in Crazy Glue Cylinder

17:04:00... Bed has now been made and prepared for slumber... problem ignored.
18:22:00... Homeland Security Advisory System: Code Red - Severe Risk of Bug Attack. Panic spreads among inhabitants, supported by the NRA, Coca Cola, NBC and Tom Hanks.

Bug Log

Bug Date 03/20/06
Bug Population: Unknown - believed to be in hibernation, possibly migration(?)
Bug Population in Captivity*: 0

*Previous captive population flushed down toilet in fear of prison break

11:14:00... Bedroom quarantined. Bug chemical deterrent applied on box springs and areas of habitation. Study of bug behaviour leads to hypothesis that pre-determined feeding habit may be followed, perhaps led by "super" bug, resulting in a fluctuation of frenzied feeding periods followed by bouts of stagnant hibernation. Hibernation ensues.
16:55:00... Quarantine period concluded. Absence of observed casualties baffle humans. Febreeze distributed to freshen quarantine zone. Freshening successful.
18:39:00... Further study of behaviour reveals that bugs may be attempting to appear that they have left the area of infestation. Although bites remain, physical evidence of bugs remains minimal. Conclusion: Bugs: 1, Humans: 0

Conclusion: The psychological and behavioural study of bed bugs remains a mystery to all. Discarded mattresses outside the observed infested area lead to the theory that infestation is not an isolated problem. Chemical warfare has been unleashed upon the opposing bugs. No casualties have yet to be observed, making the bugs a worthy adversary indeed. Operation "Shock and Awe" commences under pretense of illogical nuclear arsenal in bug possession.

Ok. At least I used lots of big words. I also worked at home at that time and didn't go outside too much and used a lot of that bug poison, so I think those factors all combined to make me just a little bit of a psychopath. It was temporary. I'm cool now.

Although I still send a lot of stupid emails to the lucky people in my contacts. Luckily, I've discovered the undo button in gmail, which gives me a few seconds at least after I hit send on a stupid email. (Although I'm usually like "nope, that's gold!" SEND!). So now I'm sending this off to the internet. GOLD!


  1. Bed bugs are terrible to try to get rid of them. I had them in my apartment two years ago and it took the maintenance crew a month to get rid of them. I needed to get a new matress, which I now have covered with a bed bug preventative bag.

    Sorry you had to go through that.

  2. This post was too funny. I know the feeling of being on the brink of a psychotic break thanks to parasites - 3 cats and a summer outbreak of super fleas (apparently immune to any kind of repellent or flea medication.) Bedtime was filled with dread for about 3 weeks.

  3. hahahhaha.

    thank god for you blog.

    seriously. that was the first good laugh today. much thanks.

  4. GOLD Indeed! That's too funny.
    Though, I'm actually pretty scared of bringing bedbugs into our home. If it ever does happen, I hope I can have a sense of humour about it :)


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