Monday, December 12, 2011

Dinosaur and Helicopter

No, this is not my Christmas wish list. This is real life. Sort of. I think. But I'm pretty sure the dinosaur is not real though, and I deduced this from the metal looking spikes sticking out of his feet. Detective work is sort of a gift of mine. So if you need me to come snoop around and find diamonds and rescue dames and stuff, I can do it.

via Retronaut

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Weight Loss for Dummies

I hate this bitch. (via)
So I'm a little bit rotund. I like to think plump. It makes me sound sweet and jolly. Although I'm not sweet or jolly at all. I'm bitchy and bitter. I WILL CUT YOU.

So I decided to, you know, stop eating like it was a sport and, you know, maybe run around a little bit more, like I imagine a donkey would when he got all excited about eating carrot cake or something. I don't know when donkeys run actually. All I know about donkeys is that 90% of the time they have these giant erections that ruin an otherwise family-friendly photograph of some farm scene. Oh, donkeys and their erections!

So enough about that, here are a few helpful hints I've come across in losing my much-needed-to-lose twelve pounds in a month:
  • Don't eat peanut butter cups everyday. This makes me cry, but it's the truth.
  • Stop betting people money about how much or how fast you can eat. 
  • Refrain from drinking your age in alcoholic drinks. This is really just a good "life" lesson that most thirty year olds know about already, but I'm a slow learner. I just don't get it. I'm all like "WHAT?" and "HUH?" and "YOUSE BE JOKING, RIIIGHT?"
  • If you slip up and do eat a dozen peanut butter cups or drink a dozen beers, it's ok! Just hop on a treadmill, think about how much you hate yourself and run until you throw up all that delicious, evil food and drink. DO NOT EAT YOUR THROW UP. Do not eat it. This part is important. You can't do things just because your cat does. I'm just throwing life lessons at you!
  • Think of every bit of food and drink you used to enjoy and just forget about it. If someone keeps offering you baked goods, you forget about those people too. Say "Donut what? Who are you?" Boom forgotten.
  • Learn words like "arugula", "vegetable broth", "dry toast" and "tap water".Because did you know that normal, everyday delicious foods are full of these things called calories? WHAT THE HELL IS THAT? So all the sundaes I ate before, with peanut butter, hot fudge, rice crispies, walnuts, maraschino cherries and whipped cream, they were all filled with these "calories". Sweet, delicious, sneaky bastard calories. Can you believe it? I can't believe that I can still fit through doorways, knowing what I know now about these calorie fuckers.
  • If you're at the gym and hating it, like a normal person would, imagine that guy in Reservoir Dogs that has to sit tied to the chair while that other guy dances around to "Stuck in the Middle With You" and you just know he's gonna do something with that knife, and then he cuts your ear off! Imagine that! Now it's not so bad running a little, is it? I also used to do this at the dentist, when dentists were horrible people back in the day and fluoride came in two flavours - banana or strawberry - and you had to keep it in your mouth for ten hours trying not to throw up all over the place.
So that's it. I am pretty, pretty, proud of myself. You don't know the temptation I have towards peanut butter cups, unless your name is Gollum and you're all freaked out about some ring. Then maybe you sort of understand. So if anyone wants to book me for some motivational speaking I have a pretty open schedule and I'll take payment in doritos and whisky. My use of curse words is non-negotiable, but I am flexible on pants.


I'm a socially awkward person. Until I've had like twelve beers and then I'm just gorgeous, witty and a world-class dancer. I know I'm actually probably more like Chris Farley though - total fat guy in a little coat with unkempt hair. And I break things I sit on.

A photo from a genius holiday party we had. Everyone bought delicious food over and I kept pretty much all of it. 
Anyways, I want to start making charming and delightful introductions when I introduce one friend to another friend or to an enemy or to my cat. So here are some ideas to introduce some people to some other people (or animals).

"Samantha, this is Arnold. Arnold is an unconventional and at times inappropriate amateur sleuth with infinite curiousity and a penchant for danger. His interests include backgammon, knives and bloodhounds. Samantha is a fiery acrobat known for her incredible strength and her uncanny ability to communicate mentally with animals. Samantha spends most of her time chilling at home in Grayskull."

"Henry, this is Delores. Delores is a street-savvy working girl who doesn't take no crap from nobody! She once helped turned a man's life around by buying and selling orange juice and pork bellies on the commodities market! How about that? They made a movie about it. And Henry is a lovable but naive fool who's overcome an unfortunate addiction to opiates and epsom salts. Now he spends his time reading Eckhart Tolle to his parrots."

And here's how I would introduce myself to my cat:

"Marley, this is Diana. She's a grumpy, mumbly curmudgeon that's suffered multiple injuries to the face. She finds solace in peanut butter cups, questionable reality tv and napping outdoors. Her spirit animal would be the sea turtle because of its sleepy eyes and hopeless nature. Diana, this is Marley. She's a sassy fat cat who enjoys scratching vinyl records, the couch and random boxes. She is an extraordinary judge of character, as she chooses to poop exclusively at the house of the only grouchy neighbour on the block. Her favourite food is bugs."

How would you introduce yourself?

Thursday, November 17, 2011



I'm visiting Portland for the first time this weekend. My goals are to go to Target for some globe string lights, eat a crazy donut, drink some delicious beers and run around in the forest. I'll probably also get a little too drunk and say "put a bird on it" too many times and the probably want to punch myself in the face. I'm just being real here. You gotta be real. Like plants. I  hate fake plants. I will kill a thousand live plants before I get a fake one. ONE THOUSAND. And I'm probably getting pretty close. Just kidding. I've maybe killed twenty plants. Just kidding. I didn't kill them, they passed away naturally in their sleep. Just kidding. Plants don't sleep, my cat sleeps. Just kidding. She doesn't sleep, she always has one eye open. Just kidding. Sometimes she closes both eyes but then I poke her and go "Hey". Just kidding. Hay is for horses. Just kidding. Hay is for lots of animals. Just kidding. Probably not puppies. Just kidding. Puppies could like hay. I don't know. Just kidding. I do know. Just kidding. I don't know. I just like puppies. Just kidding. I like other stuff too. Like cotton candy. Just kidding.

Did you guys see Kristen Wiig as Judy Grimes on SNL? I watched it TWICE, which now that I've written that in caps lock doesn't seem very impressive.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011


I dressed up as Frida Kahlo this Halloween. The unibrow would have happened naturally if I just gave it some time. It's a really easy costume to pull together, which is good because I'm lazy and cheap and lazy!

Some of my favourite costumes I saw at our Halloween party were: a robot complete with bike light eyes, sexy saxophone man, clockwork orange guy and Alfalfa. I never used to be into Halloween, but I must say it was pretty neat having a party where almost everyone was in costume. I loved being able to refer to people as what they were dressed up as, like "what's the slutty Olive Oyl drinking over there?" or "why'd you almost fight Buzz Lightyear?" or "Hunter S. Thompson can't find his phone".

I also love this:

Aziz Ansari
Best thing I heard all Halloween - "Oh shit! Jesus just punched that Ghostbusters in the face!!"

Also, our party consisted of four kegs and two visits from the cops. How old am I, really?

Friday, October 28, 2011


Look at these cowboy photos! Just look at all these bad ass muthas! Cowboys are so cool. Except the calf roping. I don't like that bit. But I like that they can get so attached to their horse, and they can go "click click" with their tongue to make the horse walk backward to save them from falling off a cliff, like Mel Gibson did in that movie. Die Hard? The Jesus one? Maverick! I'd really love to know what all their horses' names are. I'd like to think at least one cowboy has named his horse Sparkles. Also, do you think they ever found Curly's gold? That's what cowboys do, right? They look for Curly's gold.

All photos from Retronaut

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Monday, October 17, 2011

Two-Headed Animals

That's all I do lately is talk about animals! I guess I just sort of like animals better than people. They're furry and don't talk back. They don't yammer into their cell phones in quiet, public places or drive excessively loud motorcycles. They don't get all judgey on me when they see how much peanut butter I put on my toast. I picture a lot of animals to have personalities sort of like Mitch Hedberg - like they're goofy and high on heroin and say "ALRIIIGHT..." a lot. Laid back.

So I started looking at Two-Headed Animals. Look at how important that hyphen is in there: without it it would just mean two animals with heads, but WITH it it means animals with two heads. Punctuation is so important. It's the matter of one head or two, in this case. And heads are so important - it's where brains are!

So now that I just took ya to school with a little anatomy class there, here's some two-headed animals!

Farm animals are the best in photographs because they're not smelly when it's just a photo. When I look at this little two-headed calf I think how come you only ever hear about things with two heads, and never anything about things with two bums? Doesn't that happen sometimes too? Surely it must! I must've been pretty close to having two bums because my bum is pretty big. I guess my DNA was like "ok you have enough bum DNA for two bums" but they forgot the splitter gene, that splits the one big bum into two regular sized bums. That is how it works scientifically. I have a microscope at home if you don't believe me.

Hahahah... I don't care if this is real or not. I want to live there. Look at his feet! It's like ALF and the flying dog monster guy from Neverending Story as one! This llama would be cool even without a second head. At first I almost called him an emu! I think the legs through me off, they sort of seem like enormous bird legs. Also, is that a donkey or a pony? Why can't I recognize animals right now?! This is a disturbing turn of events. Can I go to the doctor and tell her about this? That's what our health care system is for right? Getting confused by the internet?

Turtles are the funniest guys! Can you imagine these two trying to get anywhere? One head will be like "oh whoops, I forgot my leaf, let's go back" and the other will be like "I just want to get to that sugar cube over there!" I don't know what turtles eat, but who doesn't eat leaves and sugar?

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

TV: Teacher, Mother, Secret Lover

Ok, so I watch a lot of TV shows. I watch some really, really good ones that make me feel like I'm totally fuckin' educated, and then I also watch some not so smart ones that make me feel ashamed and embarrassed for the idiots on the ol' idiot box (The Situation at the Donald Trump Roast!). So maybe every Tuesday (but more realistically just today) I will sum up a few TV shows and TV experiences from my week. Because this is important!

 (When you search "Whitney Cummings" google autocompletes it with "moneyshot", so be careful or you're going to waste your whole afternoon!)

I'm going to start with Whitney, because Krystal didn't even know what it's all about. She's kind of lucky, because the show is pretty terrible. I watch it still, because I watch terrible television, but I know it's terrible. So that makes me terrible, but I still exist dammit! Just like these terrible shows. I'm pretty disappointed in the show, because I thought she was at least sometimes funny on Chelsea Lately, but in her show Whitney she's really just an annoying girl in a relationship. And that's probably the worst type of annoying girl (the other types are annoying excited girl in clothing changing room at a sale, annoying drunk girl eating a hot dog beside you, and annoying girl on public transit gossiping about her friends.)

The last episode I watched she got mad at her boyfriend for checking out a girl and then lying about it. Then she gives him the silent treatment. And it's boring. I don't even remember what happens - I just have a vague, dull sense of irritability, and then they make up.

In conclusion, I give this show 6 thumbs up! It's dumb, but I'll still watch it and complain about it! If one of the characters would get some sort of substance abuse problem, I think the show would be a lot more interesting!

So watch out next week for some more tv reviews. I feel like I'll be a little bi-polar about reviewing things because as much as things might suck, I still want to give 'em 10 thumbs up like Homer Simpson, just because it's still TV. And TV is really, really, really good.

Friday, October 7, 2011

Speaking of Cats*

*It's a perfect segue because everyone's always speaking of cats, right?
Oh man, do I want a cat cam, Mr. Lee! I was pretty scared to search for "kitty cams" because I just really didn't know what I'd find. Cat cam seemed safe enough. My cat would be a good spy cat because she's so friendly and doesn't mind just waltzing into other people's homes. She could collect all their secrets! What if she walked in on people doing it? Then she'd be porn cat.

Spy Cat

Cats have actually been used as spies before by the CIA. Apparently, they "slit the cat open, put batteries in him, wired him up. The tail was used as an antenna. They made a monstrosity." So they unleashed this cat to go about its spy work all wired up and everything, and then he got run over by a taxi before it got any intel. Foiled!

They've tried to use other animals as spies too, which is probably mean to the animals sometimes, but the idea still intrigues me. It seems like it should be a tv show somehow, and that's probably what piqued my interest (TV!). Here's how I see the show panning out: My cat, Marley, is the star of the show. First off, she's already sort of undercover because everyone thinks she's a boy, but she's a girl. Second, I'll slap some reindeer antlers on her and then throw her in the snowy woods to go look for the bad guys from Goldeneye (does that make sense, I've only ever seen the video game). Then, she's gonna rig up some system to launch herself into the bad guys' lair just as they were about to kill James Bond, and she'll turn off their evil death machines or whatever and then he'll say "Now that's what I call a CATapult". Then she'll wink. Because she actually does wink in real life lots. That'll be her TV thing though.

Surely THAT would be more watchable than the crap that's coming out this season (Whitney? Come on.)

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Bored = Google "funny animals"

Some photos are just stupid and cheesy and not funny at all, but then I remember I'm at work googling "funny animals" and I have the diet of a booze-fuelled eight year old, so I try not to judge. But I have made some observations.

 My extensive research in this field has led me to conclude several key points.
  • Cats are hilarious and bad ass. They hate you, and that's funny!
  • Boxes on heads are funny.
  • Sleepy animals are funny.
  • Dressing animals in clothes is NOT funny. 
  • Giving a slow loris a little umbrella is funny and adorable. I love that guy.
  • Animals watching tv are funny. 
  • Wrinkly dogs are funny dogs, but Marmadukes are the funniest. He's so clumsy and can't control his limbs! Hot Dog is also a funny dog - he hates baths and loves sandwiches!
  • Animals looking like they're masturbating is NOT funny. Animal penises are NOT funny. And that's a shame because it really ruins a lot of otherwise good pictures of donkeys.
  • Wet cats are funny. 
  • Panda bears are hilarious. They just seem like adorable furry people. I can picture panda bears doing everything people do: playing baseball, eating baloney, waiting in line at Starbucks, snaking a drain. I wouldn't be surprised if one day someone fesses up to just inventing the panda bear and they're like "listen guys, so awhile ago, a bunch of us just thought it would be fun to dress like this funny and adorable bear guy, and well, they're not real. It's just costumes and special effects and Hollywood and dedicated actors in panda suits". I'd be all "Right. Totally. I completely understand and it all makes sense to me. I am not surprised one bit at this news."
And that's that.

    Wednesday, September 7, 2011

    Able Design

    It's no surprise that I love animal related things. Well, maybe it is. But anyway, I love these posters by Able Design. Their animals have names and adjectives, which is great because then I can make up little stories in my head about these guys and just HOPE that they'll have action figures one day to act things out.

    Able Design
    So here's Humphrey. He's happy, but that's only because he's also too dumb to know any better. He's in love with a poacher's wife, even though she's been with half the jungle and has a lazy eye. But I guess he loves her anyway and you can't stand in the way of love. One day he received a letter in the mail and it told a story about an albino gorilla who was struck by lightning and would go out haunting and killing on the third moon of each month unless you sent the letter on to five friends with a jar of jelly. If they eat the jelly before the sun comes up then you'll be blessed with good fortune cookie fortunes and be lucky in love. So he sent the letter and jelly to his friends and waited. His next fortune cookie read "A fool knows when he's a beaten. A beaten fool is really beaten. A beaten egg is scrambled." So it's obvious how THAT ended for him.

    Able Design
    Caesar is a friendly lion, but in an ironic way. So he's actually not friendly. It's sort of joke on the savannah. Like the antelopes will be at the ol' watering hole and say "Did you see what Caesar did to Joe? That shit be cold!" and another antelope will say "Man, he's a friendly mother fucker, ain't he?" and the antelopes will all be like "FOR REAL!" because it doesn't really make sense but they just need to say something to take their minds off poor Joe, bled out in the grass after this cold killer got him by the throat.

    Able Design
    Edmund is so fucking passionate it's unreal. Here is a short list of things he's passionate about: adventure, actuarial math, anarchy, achieving the impossible, artichoke dip, afghan horses, Amazing Race, assassinations. That's just "A". There's still the rest of the alphabet, with all those other letters. I just used "A" as an example because it made sense to start with the first letter. He's passionate about alphabetizing also.

    Thursday, September 1, 2011

    Gopher Hole Museum

    I can't believe things like this even exist. But they do, and I'm happy for that. I think. I'm undecided. Taxidermy is sort of a strange gray area for me, like throwing a cat into a snowbank. It's sort of neat to see, but I feel a little guilty about it. But gophers! Doing people things! If I was a gopher, I think this would be a perfectly respectful use of my dead body. I'd be the gopher lady with the groceries, but it would mostly be filled with peanut butter and zoodles.

    All photos (and more!) here

    Friday, August 26, 2011

    Goodbye Twenties!

    via Neal on Flickr
     Hit the big 3-0 a couple weeks ago. This post is kind of late, but that sort of happens when you get older. Time changes. Some sort of flux or continuum with space or something. Steven Hawking knows. I tried to read a book about it but it was too hard. But you can do it and tell me about it, ok?

    I wanted to recap my twenties and sort of put them to rest and move on. So here are the highlights from my roaring twenties:
    • I worked in Jasper and met my best friend Meredith there. She's a legend. I tell Duncan often how much I love her, and I love that I have a strong female friendship that's not littered with bitterness and cattiness like all those other bitches.
    • I went to school for stupid computer programming and am still paying for that education. Bloody hell. It's enough to get me started on an uneducated socialist rant.
    • I lived in a funny apartment building in Winnipeg that was full of weirdos and people that should have been homeless. But they lived there, in their homes. Our neighbour Jerry once lit his underwear on fire. He was wearing them. I learned that, to me, Winnipeg is a depressing city that offered little hope or joy.
    • I moved to Vancouver. I was happy. Finally.
    • My boyfriend I was living with died from lymphoma in a matter of weeks. It changed me. I became bitter and cynical and drank too much. I learned about grief and mourning, and how sporadic and senseless and confusing emotions can be.
    • I traveled a bit. I learned I was bad at traveling. It makes me sleepy and I just want to live everywhere I go. Especially if there's hammocks.
    • I got a lovely little niece, Leta. I learned that watching a child run is like watching pure joy. That kid loves to run so much. WAIT TILL YOU'RE 30, KID! Running is the worst. You don't even know.
    • I met Duncan and fell in love. He had a beard at the time. He is the nicest and sweetest and kindest person ever. The only time he gets mad is when he flosses his teeth or when Marley interrupts his sandwich making. That's it. On my 30th birthday card he wrote "30's are the best. That's when I met you." I think through his kindness he's trying to make me not bitter and cynical and unpleasant, but it's not going to work. Or maybe it will. If we got a puppy. Or a baby. 
    In conclusion, a lot of my life happened in my 20s. But not enough. I don't have a horse or a house or a boat. I don't know how to tie all the knots I'd like to tie. I haven't been to an observatory. I've never seen a penguin or a mobster in a track suit. I haven't made a ship in a bottle. I've never had a souffle or played in a jazz band. I don't know how to fly a helicopter. I can't golf. I have not lived up to my potential. So I'll do that later on.  

    Monday, July 25, 2011

    Giveaway Loser Winners

    So do you remember a million years ago I wrote a stupid post (as per usual) about how I always lose giveaways? And then I kinda joked about me having a giveaway where the winner would get to hear a story about my cats? Well you all won! Which really means you lost. Because now you have to read this story about my cats. But CORRECTION. My CAT. Singular.

    And the story begins...

    Well, basically the story is that my cat got hit by a car and died. It was a sad, sad day for me, and I'm still sad about it. I really hate when animals die. Like in movies when a horse gets shot and it falls down, and I freak out about it, and Duncan has to remind me that it's just a movie with special effects and stuff, and I yell "BUT IT HAPPENS IN REAL LIFE TOO!" And I'm totally right about that actually.

    I miss my cat. He was the cuddliest guy. But he was still straight up GANGSTA. Man, dying out there on those cold, mean streets. Just being dropped like that? That's HARD. I'm pretty sure he probably jumped in front of that car to take a hit for some lady cat. Or maybe an old grandpa cat. I think he was like that.

    Hades - Sometime in 2001 - May 31, 2011

    Thursday, June 23, 2011


    B.C. Woman Hits Moose On Way To Visit Sister Who Hit Moose

    "Moose are involved in about 8% of all wildlife vehicle collisions, according to the Wildlife Collision Prevention Program’s website." 

    “I knew right away it was a moose,” she said. “I slammed on the brakes with both my feet.” 

    “It was like two explosions.”

    via National Post
    Canada is so gangster.

    Have you ever hit a moose? Would you, could you hit a moose? Would you hit a moose on the loose? Would you hit a moose if he was with a goose? Would you hit a moose in a red caboose? Would you hit a moose then call a truce? Would you hit a moose with a blue spruce? How about if he was watching Footloose?

    Ok, let's nobody hit a moose.


    Hey guys, I know I haven't posted anything in ages, but I just had to share with you that Japanese scientists have apparently made meat out of poop.

    When I see someone eating beef, I'll just HAVE to tell them that maybe it's poop. Just so they know that it's possible. This breakthrough is fascinating, isn't it.

    On another note, can you believe we still use shoe laces? It's funny how they can make meat out of poop but then we still do up our shoes with string. The world is so backwards.

    Friday, May 13, 2011

    Giveaway Loser

    Goddammit. I feel like all I do all day is enter giveaways. I feel like my odds are really good sometimes, and I just don't seem to win. I want junk, ok? If anyone is having a giveaway where I can be the only one entering to win, can you let me know? I'll tweet about it, or write it on a post-it or something. I'll tell the guy at Starbucks too.

    So does anyone want to enter my giveaway thingy I'm having? The prize is nothing. But your odds are GOOD! Well, pretty good. And actually, since I'm feeling generous I'm going to add to the prize of nothing and raise it up to a story about my cats. So if you win, I'll tell thee a tale of kitty proportions! And I have TWO cats, so there are lots of stories of cats to go around, mmkay? And these ain't no boring white bread city cats neither. No, these be straight up gangsta cats, who have run-ins with coyotes and eagles and gang bangers and everything. There's even rumours going around the hood that there's a crazy old man that traps cats on the next block. But my cats are way too smart to fall for that. I'm also pretty sure they're cooking up some traps of their own, sort of Home Alone style. And if you think about it, Home Alone would still be a pretty sweet movie if it was about cats being home alone. IF you think about it. Which you should.

    So to enter this giveaway, please follow me on twitter, facebook and at the grocery store (no judging! I need all those nut butters!). Also, extra entries if you send me a video of you buying batteries (I have my reasons!) or if you punch an idiot in the face. I don't count as an idiot and there will be no arguments about that! If you punch me in the face, you're totally disqualified. If you punch Tyra Banks in the face, you get double entries and go into a bonus round.

    Oh. No takers? Quel surprise!

    Monday, May 2, 2011

    Election Day

    So, I've never voted before. I'm lazy, and frankly, I don't really know how. Also, I don't really mind so much. The issues I genuinely care about aren't exactly hot topics with the candidates. Here's a short list:
    • Motorcycles are too loud.
    • I don't like being forced into standing ovations.
    • No late-comers to the cinema. 
    • People who don't pick up their dog's poo have to eat it or something gross.
    • The police don't always have to be so mean and law-enforcing. Maybe sometimes they could be positive and polite and encourage good behaviour. They could say "Wow. That was so nice of you to wait for the walking man to light up when you crossed that intersection!" or "Hey! I saw you pick up that litter and put it in the bin! Good work, citizen!" or "You looked pretty when you came to that full stop!"
    • There should be more canals around. Canals are grossly underused in Canada.
    • No bumpy roads.
    I realize I sound a bit like a sociopathic grandma.

    Well, off to the voting stations. Do I pull a lever or something? Or tick a box? Throw a walnut in a hole? I am so not prepared for this.

    Thursday, April 28, 2011


    I love reptile limbs. They remind me of muppets how they don't really seem to have joints and they're just sort of floppy.

    Can you imagine seeing this guy in the wild? Eating a bucket? That would be so scary. Today on my bike ride to work I saw a goose. It seems all innocent, but this goose was out for blood I tell you! Here's the full story of the goose:

    It started months ago when I first spotted a stray goose on a little side road that I take on my way to work. I thought "Oh, a goose!" and then "He's all alone. He must be lost". I actually worried about this goose. I don't like seeing geese by themselves. But a couple days later there were two geese and they walked around the road like they owned the place. Like their farts don't stink, ya know?

    Some astute readers of this complete waste of time blog may remember mention of another goose run-in with a family member of mine. My mother was knocked off her bike by a goose. Now I don't know what my family ever did to geese, but apparently we drew first blood and geese don't forget that. So it makes me weary you know, this unspoken feud my family shares with geese. I could feel it in my bones. I was next.

    So this morning I'm bicycling along my route to work when I take a left turn (as always) onto a little quiet block. At the very end of the block in the middle of the road, stands a goose. I bike towards him, my heart racing, my nose dripping with anticipation (I have a cold). He starts honking. He takes a few steps towards me as I get closer and honks louder and more insistent. Frantic honking. Honking for his life. I go "whoa" and swerve around him using my super duper bike skills. He looked pissed. I won this round. Take that, Goose! As I pedaled away I saw a taxi cab come to a complete stop in front of the goose. I couldn't bear to watch the bloodbath that this goose most definitely had in store for these unsuspecting passengers, these next victims in his bloody killing spree. I just couldn't bear it. So I'm at work now. My safe goose-free work.

    And that's that.

    OR IS IT?

    Monday, April 18, 2011

    Yellow Frogs!

    via Dear Libby
    Ready for a story about my childhood? Excited? Me neither, but it's Monday so what do you have to lose? Some dignity, sure, but just deal with it, ok?

    It was maybe 1992, sort of around the time where I was wearing tights underneath my jean shorts and maybe tried to wear eyeliner with disastrous results. I had a friend named Kendyl that was talented and funny and whose mom and sister called me "Piñata". I do not know how that name came to be, but it was awesome. (It's probably because you associate piñatas with partytime, and that's totally what I was like at eleven - super happy fun partytime. And then crying. Lots of crying. Oh man, all that crying!).

    So one gorgeous summer day, Kendyl and I decided to draw on the sidewalks with sidewalk chalk. Well, Kendyl did all the drawing and I coloured it in. She's an amazing artist, see? So I would go around colouring in her creations while ladies walked by and complimented me on how good they were, and I was all, "natch", because I read that word in Archie comics a lot.

    She lived in a sort of apartment complex that had all these townhouses in an area with all these sidewalk paths going between them so we drew/coloured all over the place. Then we decided it would be funny to draw these yellow frog type gang signs all over the place so people would think there's a new gang in town called Yellow Frogs, with two bad ass members (one of them named Piñata). People would be so confused and terrified and excited by this idea, hey?

    But we were foiled by a grumpy landlady who hates fun. She made us adorable little pre-teens wash off the drawings with a hose. Isn't that a sad scene? A hose! It's like we literally washed away our fun and youth into those city drains. But that art nazi couldn't wash away our memories! Those yellow frogs will remain in our hearts and minds forever and ever...memories of a long ago time, a simpler time, but a time filled with strife and sarcasm and endless sidewalks of possibilities. A time of petty struggles and angst-filled youth. A time of dusty boot straps and bloody protests in the street fueled by rage and poverty and tequila... I could go on and on.

    No? Ok.

    Wednesday, April 13, 2011

    Jive Talk

    I know I'm usually a good for nothin' mop that's out of the world mellow stage, but things are gonna change MAN. I'm not gonna hold back the dawn. So find yourself a groovy little stash and dig what I'm puttin' down, cats.
     I bought me a trumpet. Even though I don't be stickin', I just had to get it, man. You dig?

    Ya, me neither. It only works when I push down the third key. Oh, I'll make such beautiful music!

    Friday, April 1, 2011

    Get This!

    I'm using twitter now. Or sort of. I'm not good at it. I have nothing to say, except things about poop. But this is me: @DianaRainer.

    Mid-Century Album Covers
    So, what I found interesting and exciting and hilarious this week:

    This guy standing on his head lots.

    Little monkeys racing little cars. Part of me thinks it's terrible to get animals to do stupid things like that, but, well it's monkeys in cars. Moral dilemma settled. It's cute!

    Nose candy app. Come on, people.

    An adorable letter from a 9 year boy that thinks he knows how to "make people and animals alive" and just needs a little help getting some supplies (like "tools for cutting people open").

    I want to live in a Brachiosaurus! He's my favourite.

    Cats that look like Hitler.

    Donkey saves sheep friend from angry dog. I should read the news more often.

    Nope! Nope, I shouldn't. Obese man fused to chair.

    Oh. Wait. Sheep give birth to dog.

    Hope everyone has a good weekend, full of magic and mystery and mayhem! Not me. I'm having a cat night tonight. I had a dream I let in a wolverine and it ate one of my cats, so I'm sort of trying to process that emotionally by spending extra time with them and talking to them like they're people. But really, I'll probably just yell at them when they stand in front of the tv. (My shows!)

    Wednesday, March 30, 2011

    Big Balloons

    Oh my! I could lift up so many things with those balloons! Like me! Holding some bananas!

    "Setting a new world record for the largest balloon cluster flight ever attempted, the entire aircraft from top to bottom was a whopping 10-stories high, made it to an alititude of 10,000 feet, and flew for about an hour."

    Crazy? Also, did you know that the world is running out of helium? And that most of the world's helium comes for an area around Amarillo, Texas? Wow, huh? You can read an article here about it, but I'll sum it up for you because it's very technical and sciencey and has lots of words, and really, who has time for that.

    So, some science dudes were all like "hey, there's this awesome isotope called helium-3 that's missing a neutron, but it's super rare. But it could be a fuel for a form of nuclear fusion that could take us to frickin' NEPTUNE, man! Neptune!" So in the 60's the U.S. government realized that helium was a handy little guy to have around so they stockpiled a shitload of it underground. Now for some unexplained reason they don't want the helium anymore, which sounds bananas to me, but I'm sure there's some sort of conspiracy going on that involves Tom Hanks. So they're selling off their bunker of helium to just anyone and think it will be all gone in 10-25 years, with the entire stupid earth being virtually helium-free by the end of the century. What sort of planet would that be, with no helium? Sounds like a pretty stupid one, if you ask me, with no floating houses or anything. But anyways, there's a bunch of helium on the moon and some planets and stuff, so we just have to get there to get it. Which is totally worth it for party balloons. Totally.

    Wednesday, March 23, 2011

    Would You Rather...

    ...Be a half human/half octopus, with the upper body and head of a human and the lower tentacles of an octopus BUT you would always be really thirsty and you were only allowed on land for 1 hour each day and you couldn't ride a bicycle


    ...Be a robot that scooted around on wheels and could go really fast and speak every language in the world and you'd always win at Jeopardy and you'd never be itchy BUT you could only eat food that starts with the letter "R" and your only friend is a mean snake that always makes you clean his toilet?

    My Thoughts:

    I like the octopus bit of the first option and I'm usually thirsty anyways, but I do love bicycles. Although I am pretty frightened of all those crazy creatures in the sea so I would live a life of constant fear. And I wasn't liking the food restrictions of the second option one bit until I realized that "Reese Peanut Butter Cups" would be in, and I think I could eat those A LOT. I also love raspberries, and they're in too so I think I could handle the "R" foods bit. And I  hate being itchy and I'm pretty bad at languages, so those are two big bonuses for robot. Hmm...

    My Answer:

    Octopus. I'm not too attached to my legs and I like the idea of being a sea creature.

    (Check out this octopus with a human head. Um, that's NOT the kind of octopus creature I want to be. I'm way bigger and more jolly looking in my imagination)

    What would you rather be?

    Tuesday, March 22, 2011

    Word Verification Prohibition

    Today I had one where the word was uraretard (u r a retard). I thought "Yes. Yes I am. For typing into a word verification box." They're so dumb and pointless and they waste my precious precious time when I could be doing a million other productive things. Such as:

    Texting my friends complaining about hangovers
    Reading gossip about Taylor's lips from The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills (she's so stupid)
    Pointing out bugs to my cats so they can eat them up!

    Thinking about chocolate bars and eating them
    Watching television programs about men in Alaska and their glory hole
    Looking for garbage on craigslist and trying to convince Duncan we need 4 vintage suitcases and an old door

    See? I don't have time to verify WORDS. They're never even real words. It bugs me so much! So myself and the lovely Krystal over at Village said "SCREW YOU" to word verification and we're starting up a word verification prohibition!

    Here's a button if you're in (with the cool kids)

    Otherwise, so long chummmmmmmmmmm......puh!

    (I'll still read your blogs, but I'll mutter curse words under my breath and maybe pound my desk with my fists, sort of a like a chimp. It's not pretty)

    Monday, March 21, 2011

    Toms Shoes

    Toms Shoes

    I really want a pair, but haven't tried any on and I'm baffled by all the options. Since I have big feet, I try to stay away from red (Ronald McDonald) or yellow (Big Bird), even though I really like the red ones! I'm seriously like Side Show Bob feet though. What to do!

    They even have a wedding section! (I will totally wear these for a wedding). It also doesn't hurt that with every pair you buy they'll buy a pair of shoes for a child in need. They remind me of the old dock shoes I used to have as a kid that I wore until they literally FELL off of my feet. It's true. I was running around at this Harbour Festival in a town near our cottage and my foot went completely through my shoe and I fell down and did an awkward Chris Farley sort of tumble and was all "SON OF A....".

    Thursday, March 17, 2011

    Happy St. Patrick's Day!

    Ya bunch of drunks! Do people actually celebrate this holiday without drinking? I don't think so.

    I drank so much when I was in Ireland. It's hard not to, really. And rude. Don't be rude!

    Tuesday, March 15, 2011

    The Penises of Bhutan

    Hmm. How interesting? Apparently some lama either hit some demon on the head with his penis, or he shoved it in his mouth and suffocated him with it! Well. Ok. So people would paint penises on their houses. Oh. Yes. I see. So when do the pills and weird druggy plants full of delicious toxins kick in? Where's that part of the story? It's missing.

    Wonder a Day
    Oh, Bhutan! Is this why you guys are so happy? Because you see penises everywhere, and it's sort of funny? I like this idea! But maybe we can replace penises with other happy things like koala bears and mittens and peonies and Godzilla? Fun stuff!