Tuesday, July 27, 2010

My Disappointment

Internet, you are one mad roller coaster ride. You give me presents like MRI's of Corn and Animals being Friends, but now you disappointment me with this blatant false advertising.

It started off innocently enough: I saw an ad for goats for sale. It's a dream of mine to one day have a goat and pony and they'll be best friends together! So I just wanted to see how much a goat was going for these days.

So I clicked it, this ad titled "Goats for Sale".Only to be directed to this:

Not a goat on the page! Can you believe it? FOR SHAME, INTERNET. For shame. Although I did find something called Super Horny Goat Weed, designed to increase power and performance and support normal sexual functioning

Here I thought it was for some horny goats that just want to mellow out, man. It's a good thing I don't know a goat, or I would have bought him some as a surprise! I wouldn't want to see that (but I bet it's on the internet somewhere... you're so gross, internet) 

(I wouldn't actually buy a goat online. I was just curious in regards to goat pricing. I'm very interested in goat economics. I would definitely rescue my goat from goat bandits or something if I ever get my own goat. He will be RESCUED by me, and I'll be his hero)

Friday, July 23, 2010

Weekend Plans

Every weekend, I try my absolute hardest to pretty much do nothing, and that is probably the hardest thing to achieve. Duncan is always on my case to "get out and do stuff and go outside". What? Like watching Golden Girls and talking to my cats like they're people isn't doing anything? And the balcony door is open to let the outside "in".Yesterday I blow-dried my hair instead of falling asleep with a towel around my head. That's as ambitious as I get. He should know me by now.

He went as far as buying me a wet suit a few weeks ago so I would start going kayaking with him. I think the most difficult thing I've ever done in my life is put that thing on in a warm store change room with the salesperson right outside talking to me. I was jumping and swearing and sweating and cursing my obviously arthritic fingers (I've self-diagnosed that arthritis). You'd think man hands like mine would come with some sort of enormous finger strength, but mine didn't. (Thanks Dad, for your useless gorilla hands)

So I'm going to try to relax this weekend, probably on the beach with some magazines that are half a year old, and also attend a series of bbqs where I have to defend portobello mushrooms as a superior bbq item. (I love portobello mushrooms on the bbq, I don't know what they're talking about). I know some people are able to live these fabulous lives AND document it with photos and words and everything, and the truth is they're just superior people, and I accept that. I can't drink 12 beers AND remember to remove a lens cap when I take photos. But they can. AND they even upload them in a timely fashion. Who are they? Superman? Or at the very least Aquaman? Respect...

(P.S. Meredith, if you're out there, I will get your birthday photos to you sometime before your next birthday. Hey, maybe that'll be a birthday present! Which I still haven't gotten you yet either. Or from the birthday before. I'm not done painting those nesting dolls. I still have a Pilsener can and a potato to do)

Sunday, July 18, 2010

You Are My Fave is my fave

I stole that title from the wonderful Melanie over at You Are My Fave. See, she said "efreeme is my fave", so I say it back. That's how life works. It's circular. Sure, I may have had to become a sponsor for her to endorse efreeme, but that's politics son.. that's politics.

She could very well have another website called You Are Hated By Me, and maybe efreeme will be on there next week. That's called flip flopping, and that's what Democrats do.

If I had a website called You Are Hated By Me, here's what I'd feature:

Standing ovations & encores. They're just not special anymore. They don't mean anything. I've been meaning to write to Larry David about this, because I'm pretty sure he'd have my back on this one. Here's a really great article about the Standing Ovation Problem (SOP). I will not SLEEP until this problem is solved. I will not stand for it, this SOP disaster.

Airport Security. What a joke. I can't take water through security, but an empty glass container that I can SMASH into a deadly weapon is fine. I really really want to try getting on an airplane with a packed parachute and the whole outfit and everything with goggles. Do you think that would work? I think someone should try it and let me know before I buy a parachute outfit and goggles.

Fat cats. No, not my cats that are a little rotund (BIG BONED, dammit!) I mean the fat cats on Wall Street, like the Monopoly man driving his hot rod all up and down the block, smoking a cigar and running over peasants, like ME. They all have boats and butlers and smoking jackets and then raise their children to be like Olivia Palermo from The City. Someone on that show once said something about there being two types of people: "work horses and show ponies". Umm, I think I'm a donkey. And donkeys hate fat cats. Circle of Life.

My life is pretty good considering my only problems are standing ovations, airport security and fat cats. I saw a kid today wearing a shirt that said "I've got 99 problems but my dancing isn't one of them". If my kid was wearing that shirt, I would get a shirt made that said "I've got 99 problems and my kid wearing that shirt is one of them".

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Ignorant About Macaroons

Guess what? I don't know what a macaroon is. I mean, REALLY is. I know what the eff they look like because everyone on the internet seems to wet their pants about macaroons. I thought they were like those chocolates called "rosebuds" that came in a box. (I wanted to find a picture of that box of chocolates called rosebuds, but when I googled "chocolate rosebuds" I got a bunch of results for gay porn. So I guess I found something else I don't know about. So much learning to do!)

I don't think some macaroons look too edible. They're always very bright and colourful and just don't seem like food. They sort of look like very childish buttons or something I'd want to throw at something. If something is dyed purple, that tastes like grape right? Of course that's right. I just can't imagine a purple macaroon tasting like grape flavour. You know what those pink ones probably taste like? ROSES. It's true, they make rose macaroons. The yellow is probably daffodil and the green is leaf.

I don't know about these things. I'm not going to google them to see what they actually are. I prefer for them to remain mysterious. They look too unnatural. Like clear Pepsi. Or 6:00 a.m. Or this saiga antelope:


Anyways, I know I can just look up what a macaroon actually is, but I prefer to remain ignorant. This lil' antelope guy on the other hand.... I need to learn about him. Is that a football in his nose? Is he as old as the number of rings on his horns? What kind of horns are those? I NEED TO KNOW. Macaroons... meh.