Friday, May 13, 2011

Giveaway Loser

Goddammit. I feel like all I do all day is enter giveaways. I feel like my odds are really good sometimes, and I just don't seem to win. I want junk, ok? If anyone is having a giveaway where I can be the only one entering to win, can you let me know? I'll tweet about it, or write it on a post-it or something. I'll tell the guy at Starbucks too.

So does anyone want to enter my giveaway thingy I'm having? The prize is nothing. But your odds are GOOD! Well, pretty good. And actually, since I'm feeling generous I'm going to add to the prize of nothing and raise it up to a story about my cats. So if you win, I'll tell thee a tale of kitty proportions! And I have TWO cats, so there are lots of stories of cats to go around, mmkay? And these ain't no boring white bread city cats neither. No, these be straight up gangsta cats, who have run-ins with coyotes and eagles and gang bangers and everything. There's even rumours going around the hood that there's a crazy old man that traps cats on the next block. But my cats are way too smart to fall for that. I'm also pretty sure they're cooking up some traps of their own, sort of Home Alone style. And if you think about it, Home Alone would still be a pretty sweet movie if it was about cats being home alone. IF you think about it. Which you should.

So to enter this giveaway, please follow me on twitter, facebook and at the grocery store (no judging! I need all those nut butters!). Also, extra entries if you send me a video of you buying batteries (I have my reasons!) or if you punch an idiot in the face. I don't count as an idiot and there will be no arguments about that! If you punch me in the face, you're totally disqualified. If you punch Tyra Banks in the face, you get double entries and go into a bonus round.

Oh. No takers? Quel surprise!

Monday, May 2, 2011

Election Day

So, I've never voted before. I'm lazy, and frankly, I don't really know how. Also, I don't really mind so much. The issues I genuinely care about aren't exactly hot topics with the candidates. Here's a short list:
  • Motorcycles are too loud.
  • I don't like being forced into standing ovations.
  • No late-comers to the cinema. 
  • People who don't pick up their dog's poo have to eat it or something gross.
  • The police don't always have to be so mean and law-enforcing. Maybe sometimes they could be positive and polite and encourage good behaviour. They could say "Wow. That was so nice of you to wait for the walking man to light up when you crossed that intersection!" or "Hey! I saw you pick up that litter and put it in the bin! Good work, citizen!" or "You looked pretty when you came to that full stop!"
  • There should be more canals around. Canals are grossly underused in Canada.
  • No bumpy roads.
I realize I sound a bit like a sociopathic grandma.

Well, off to the voting stations. Do I pull a lever or something? Or tick a box? Throw a walnut in a hole? I am so not prepared for this.