Beer, It's Lovely!

Ah, the olden times.

via Retronaut

Sometimes I sort of feel like I shoulda been one of these guys - an old man painter talking about hookers and boats and beer and wearing hats. Well, I guess I could still be an old hooker that works on boats and wears hats. And by hats I mean people would sit on my face.

I stopped hoping and dreaming a long time ago.

Grand Ole Bestiary

I found some old photos of my family online! Just kidding, they're not my family but they SHOULD BE. These guys are awesome. I guess it's obvious that we're not related because of, you know, the animal heads but I could easily have an animal head too! You don't know. (Hint: if I had an animal head, it would probably be a walrus).

But anyways, here's what I think is going through the minds of these fabulous critters (all from Retronaut):

"Dude. I am so stoned right now. I don't even know if I'm a mouse or a squirrel. Either way, we should eat some cheese. Hey, what are we looking at, bro? Is that the Titanic? Are we alive during the Titanic times? Where'd you even get those cookies? Oh god, we're in an experiment aren't we? They're experimenting on us! I am NOT hitting that button again. Oh man, I'm freaking out right now. I do NOT like this. Oh shit, are those acorns? I like your shirt. Hey, I have the same shirt!"

"I am such a horny gal!"

 "So that bitch Courtney is just playing him! You should see her, Delores! She does this annoying thing with her mouth all the time that is trying to be sexy but she's just DUMB, you know? She always brings up how she's a MODEL, you know, and none of the other girls in the house even like her, she's so bitchy I just hate her. Ugh. And you know he's going to pick her in the end. Men are so stupid."

"Come along, Finnigan, and don't give me no sass. I have to hurry back home and get that gazelle in the oven! I met the most wonderful lion cub named Simba last week and I'm cooking him dinner tonight. I think tonight is the night, Finnigan! I have the perfect Elton John song to play for our magical moment!"

I. am. bored.

Dinosaur and Helicopter

No, this is not my Christmas wish list. This is real life. Sort of. I think. But I'm pretty sure the dinosaur is not real though, and I deduced this from the metal looking spikes sticking out of his feet. Detective work is sort of a gift of mine. So if you need me to come snoop around and find diamonds and rescue dames and stuff, I can do it.

via Retronaut

Weight Loss for Dummies

I hate this bitch. (via)

So I'm a little bit rotund. I like to think plump. It makes me sound sweet and jolly. Although I'm not sweet or jolly at all. I'm bitchy and bitter. I WILL CUT YOU.

So I decided to, you know, stop eating like it was a sport and, you know, maybe run around a little bit more, like I imagine a donkey would when he got all excited about eating carrot cake or something. I don't know when donkeys run actually. All I know about donkeys is that 90% of the time they have these giant erections that ruin an otherwise family-friendly photograph of some farm scene. Oh, donkeys and their erections!

So enough about that, here are a few helpful hints I've come across in losing my much-needed-to-lose twelve pounds in a month:

• Don't eat peanut butter cups everyday. This makes me cry, but it's the truth.
• Stop betting people money about how much or how fast you can eat. 
• Refrain from drinking your age in alcoholic drinks. This is really just a good "life" lesson that most thirty year olds know about already, but I'm a slow learner. I just don't get it. I'm all like "WHAT?" and "HUH?" and "YOUSE BE JOKING, RIIIGHT?"
• If you slip up and do eat a dozen peanut butter cups or drink a dozen beers, it's ok! Just hop on a treadmill, think about how much you hate yourself and run until you throw up all that delicious, evil food and drink. DO NOT EAT YOUR THROW UP. Do not eat it. This part is important. You can't do things just because your cat does. I'm just throwing life lessons at you!
• Think of every bit of food and drink you used to enjoy and just forget about it. If someone keeps offering you baked goods, you forget about those people too. Say "Donut what? Who are you?" Boom forgotten.
• Learn words like "arugula", "vegetable broth", "dry toast" and "tap water".Because did you know that normal, everyday delicious foods are full of these things called calories? WHAT THE HELL IS THAT? So all the sundaes I ate before, with peanut butter, hot fudge, rice crispies, walnuts, maraschino cherries and whipped cream, they were all filled with these "calories". Sweet, delicious, sneaky bastard calories. Can you believe it? I can't believe that I can still fit through doorways, knowing what I know now about these calorie fuckers.
• If you're at the gym and hating it, like a normal person would, imagine that guy in Reservoir Dogs that has to sit tied to the chair while that other guy dances around to "Stuck in the Middle With You" and you just know he's gonna do something with that knife, and then he cuts your ear off! Imagine that! Now it's not so bad running a little, is it? I also used to do this at the dentist, when dentists were horrible people back in the day and fluoride came in two flavours - banana or strawberry - and you had to keep it in your mouth for ten hours trying not to throw up all over the place.

So that's it. I am pretty, pretty, proud of myself. You don't know the temptation I have towards peanut butter cups, unless your name is Gollum and you're all freaked out about some ring. Then maybe you sort of understand. So if anyone wants to book me for some motivational speaking I have a pretty open schedule and I'll take payment in doritos and whisky. My use of curse words is non-negotiable, but I am flexible on pants.