Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Weight Loss for Dummies

I hate this bitch. (via)
So I'm a little bit rotund. I like to think plump. It makes me sound sweet and jolly. Although I'm not sweet or jolly at all. I'm bitchy and bitter. I WILL CUT YOU.

So I decided to, you know, stop eating like it was a sport and, you know, maybe run around a little bit more, like I imagine a donkey would when he got all excited about eating carrot cake or something. I don't know when donkeys run actually. All I know about donkeys is that 90% of the time they have these giant erections that ruin an otherwise family-friendly photograph of some farm scene. Oh, donkeys and their erections!

So enough about that, here are a few helpful hints I've come across in losing my much-needed-to-lose twelve pounds in a month:
  • Don't eat peanut butter cups everyday. This makes me cry, but it's the truth.
  • Stop betting people money about how much or how fast you can eat. 
  • Refrain from drinking your age in alcoholic drinks. This is really just a good "life" lesson that most thirty year olds know about already, but I'm a slow learner. I just don't get it. I'm all like "WHAT?" and "HUH?" and "YOUSE BE JOKING, RIIIGHT?"
  • If you slip up and do eat a dozen peanut butter cups or drink a dozen beers, it's ok! Just hop on a treadmill, think about how much you hate yourself and run until you throw up all that delicious, evil food and drink. DO NOT EAT YOUR THROW UP. Do not eat it. This part is important. You can't do things just because your cat does. I'm just throwing life lessons at you!
  • Think of every bit of food and drink you used to enjoy and just forget about it. If someone keeps offering you baked goods, you forget about those people too. Say "Donut what? Who are you?" Boom forgotten.
  • Learn words like "arugula", "vegetable broth", "dry toast" and "tap water".Because did you know that normal, everyday delicious foods are full of these things called calories? WHAT THE HELL IS THAT? So all the sundaes I ate before, with peanut butter, hot fudge, rice crispies, walnuts, maraschino cherries and whipped cream, they were all filled with these "calories". Sweet, delicious, sneaky bastard calories. Can you believe it? I can't believe that I can still fit through doorways, knowing what I know now about these calorie fuckers.
  • If you're at the gym and hating it, like a normal person would, imagine that guy in Reservoir Dogs that has to sit tied to the chair while that other guy dances around to "Stuck in the Middle With You" and you just know he's gonna do something with that knife, and then he cuts your ear off! Imagine that! Now it's not so bad running a little, is it? I also used to do this at the dentist, when dentists were horrible people back in the day and fluoride came in two flavours - banana or strawberry - and you had to keep it in your mouth for ten hours trying not to throw up all over the place.
So that's it. I am pretty, pretty, proud of myself. You don't know the temptation I have towards peanut butter cups, unless your name is Gollum and you're all freaked out about some ring. Then maybe you sort of understand. So if anyone wants to book me for some motivational speaking I have a pretty open schedule and I'll take payment in doritos and whisky. My use of curse words is non-negotiable, but I am flexible on pants.

8 comments:

  1. GOLDEN. this made me love you.

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  2. Laughed, I sure did.
    I am on this journey too.
    Shoot, who isn't.
    I went to the gym today, and I was the only one there, they whole time. I was pretty impressed with myself!!!!
    Good luck to us both...

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  3. WOW!!! i really admire you for being so disciplined and firm regarding your loosing weight and diet, very tough to do but very inspiring when we would really experience the results of our hardwork... going to the gym is also my plan but seems like my busy schedule puts me out of it but i hope i'll really have time to go there too.. love your blog, following you now, hope you could visit my blog too..kissess!!!

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  4. my friend and i are on a strict running schedule over here...so i feel your pain. there are these little baggies of chocolate hearts that i buy and i can eat like a whole bag in one night but it's like, they are so individually small that it feels ok. and then i'm like 'another one won't really matter at this point!'...same with drinks. it's basically my motto!

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  5. I went to the gym for the first time in years yesterday. Then I came back and ate 3 chocolate souffl├ęs. Balance is, once again, restored.

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  6. Loved this :)

    Although I will find it hard to follow...

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  7. i have a feeling you know exACTly how i feel about running. why did i promise the husband i'd do the "couch to 5k" program? because i am an idiot, that's why.

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  8. also, i've really missed your blog while i was away not doing better things.

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