Introductions

I'm a socially awkward person. Until I've had like twelve beers and then I'm just gorgeous, witty and a world-class dancer. I know I'm actually probably more like Chris Farley though - total fat guy in a little coat with unkempt hair. And I break things I sit on.

A photo from a genius holiday party we had. Everyone bought delicious food over and I kept pretty much all of it. 

Anyways, I want to start making charming and delightful introductions when I introduce one friend to another friend or to an enemy or to my cat. So here are some ideas to introduce some people to some other people (or animals).

"Samantha, this is Arnold. Arnold is an unconventional and at times inappropriate amateur sleuth with infinite curiousity and a penchant for danger. His interests include backgammon, knives and bloodhounds. Samantha is a fiery acrobat known for her incredible strength and her uncanny ability to communicate mentally with animals. Samantha spends most of her time chilling at home in Grayskull."

"Henry, this is Delores. Delores is a street-savvy working girl who doesn't take no crap from nobody! She once helped turned a man's life around by buying and selling orange juice and pork bellies on the commodities market! How about that? They made a movie about it. And Henry is a lovable but naive fool who's overcome an unfortunate addiction to opiates and epsom salts. Now he spends his time reading Eckhart Tolle to his parrots."

And here's how I would introduce myself to my cat:

"Marley, this is Diana. She's a grumpy, mumbly curmudgeon that's suffered multiple injuries to the face. She finds solace in peanut butter cups, questionable reality tv and napping outdoors. Her spirit animal would be the sea turtle because of its sleepy eyes and hopeless nature. Diana, this is Marley. She's a sassy fat cat who enjoys scratching vinyl records, the couch and random boxes. She is an extraordinary judge of character, as she chooses to poop exclusively at the house of the only grouchy neighbour on the block. Her favourite food is bugs."

How would you introduce yourself?