Cat Hanger

Have you guys seen these cat hangers?

theclearlydope.tumblr.com via Diana on Pinterest

I actually bought one of these. I hate myself a little bit more for doing so, but it has practical reasons! I'm not a crazy person so I don't dress up my actual cat, because that is crazy to actually dress a real cat. But it's not crazy to want to, because what sane person wouldn't want to see a pretty little cat in a pretty little party dress? Exactly.
So now I can put a pretty dress on the hanger and be all like "oh well, Miss Kitty, now aren't you the belle of the ball?" and "Heavens to Betsy! If that neckline plunged any lower, you'd be a certified plumber!" and then maybe if I was in a bad mood and feeling snarky I'd be like "Oh. I... like it. I do. But maybe, well maybe because you have more of a modest bust than I do, I don't know it just sort of hangs there and isn't really filled out as much on you. Like you can't even tell you have boobs in this. Yes, they're on the smaller side, smaller than mine, but you do have them at least." But I'd mostly be nice to the cat hanger I think, because she's seen me cry when I can't get my pants on.

So in conclusion: Crazy is dressing up a real cat, but Not Crazy is buying a cat hanger and then talking to it and making it your best friend.

I Wake Up Screaming

I like this movie title. I've been having such a terrible time waking up lately - I blame old  man winter stealing the sunshine! Although I don't wake up screaming, I do mumble a lot and act grouchy, and I'd probably scream a little bit if I was more awake.

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I want to watch this movie though. I'm going to make a list of 100 classic movies to watch and then intend on watching them but then probably never do it. THOUGHT THAT COUNTS.

Tulip Farms

Do tulip farms need some idiot running around the fields, shrieking like a maniac? Because I think I can do that. In fact, I may be overqualified. My idiocy knows no bounds.

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Indecent Proposal

So I got proposed to, no big thang. Duncan just wants to spend an entire lifetime with me forever and ever until a murder/suicide do us part. I think he's making a big mistake, but if he's too dumb to know that then  maybe we're a good match after all.

The proposal story goes like this: we were in the highlands of Scotland walking back from town to his parent's house and we stopped to look at some cows, which is pretty typical of me because I could watch those guys for hours, even though they were just regular ones and not the highland cows. I talked about one cow for a few minutes until Duncan put his arm around me and said "oh, you like that cow?" and I said "yeah" thinking that maybe he's finally warming up to the idea of us having some livestock all up in here, and then he asked me to be the next Mrs. Macdonald (and if a lady with that name can't have a couple cows then I don't know who should!). Anyways, WORST SEGUE EVER. From cow to marriage. And I didn't even get that cow out of it.

So now I'm kinda planning a wedding, but by planning I mean looking at pinterest a lot. I've concluded that most weddings are expensive and tacky. I always thought I'd have more like a picnic wedding with lots of pie, but it turns out we're having a big, Scottish wedding in Scotland and we have to have formal invitations and not use swear words on them.

Here are a few of the things I want to incorporate into the wedding:

Piñatas
I want to make "wedding piñatas" a thing. 

Source: confettisystem.com via Diana on Pinterest

Highland Cows
I'm hoping having a bunch of cute cows around me can help me not look like an idiot in photographs. Because that's how I tend to look.

Source: anniehpilon.blogspot.com via Diana on Pinterest

Balloons
Balloons make things fun.

Source: anoukbinterior.blogspot.se via Diana on Pinterest

Donuts
I ate four donuts the other day. And while I'm admitting embarrassing things about myself, I called my cat Honey Boo Boo the other day.

Source: flickr.com via Diana on Pinterest

Any wedding tips?

My Saturday Night

I'm pretty cool, right? Like totally hip and with it and radical and all that jazz. Total cowabunga and gnarly to the max.

But not so, my friends! Not so. 

Here is the internal transcript that ran through my head this past Saturday night - at 9 PM!

If I go to the store to get ice cream, I'll have to change out of my pyjamas. If I don't change out of my pyjamas I won't have any ice cream. Clearly the win win situation is to go the store in my pyjamas right? And I should probably take somebody with me so I don't look so crazy. But the only person here is my cat so she'll have to do.

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This was the completely natural progression of my thoughts. This is how my brain works now. When I used to be all GIVIN' ER all the time partying and being fun and whooping it up or whatever the young kids do, now I'm staying home to eat peanut butter and talk about housewives with my cat. It's like I'm a childless parent. At least if there was a baby around it would seem like I'm parenting. I've been watching a lot of great parenting shows, like Here Comes Honey Boo Boo so I'm pretty with it on key parenting phrases like "work it smoochie!" and "you do the do, you do the time" (for teen pregnancy.) Once I get my cat a t-shirt that says "Big Sister" on it, it's like I'm totally ready to be a parent. 

So that was my Saturday anyways. I also tried learning how to tie some knots. It was knot successful. PUN!

Crafting With Cat Hair

I accidentally found this. At first this seems like a cuckoo thing - crafting with cat hair! But is it? Is it really?

via Amazon

I wonder how long it would take to make a life size cat from cat hair? And how about a dinosaur-size cat? Because there's probably no point in making a cat from cat hair if it's not dinosaur sized. With flame throwers.

Now I will never make any crafts from cat hair because I'm just too lazy to do, you know, any kind of work, but if I wasn't I think I would maybe just consider making that little finger puppet guy! He's got a little collar and a teensy bell! It's pretty cute and maybe it makes more sense than using sheeps wool to make a felted cat? Or is this kind of like how human adults drinking cow's milk seems fine but breast milk is gross?

Well, I just don't know.

Five Years

I was living with a boyfriend when he quickly died in hospital from a shockingly aggressive cancer we did not know he had until a couple weeks prior. It was July 16, 2007. Each 16th day of the month after that I thought "it's been one month since he died", "it's been two months since he died", and so on. And one month I just stopped doing that. On the 17th I was like "oh hey, whoops". My life moved on. Now it's been five years and again I'm like "oh hey, whoops". It seems like a lifetime ago. And maybe it sort of was. 


He liked to write, and I liked to read the ridiculous nonsense he wrote. One email he sent to me was my favourite:

Usted es una bruja.

I don't know what you have going on, but I believe in it. In you. I can hardly wait until I see you again, the big brown eyes, and the happy smile, that somehow looks sad on you as well. You got something, I don't know what it is yet, but when I find out, I'm gonna keep it to myself. You are a romantic.

I have an old suitcase full of his writing that I keep meaning to do something with. There is not much else left of him besides that - some chunky ashes kept in a flask, a pair of his glasses, a ring given to me on Christmas - "a token of his appreciation" he had said, his vinyl records, his record player. He was a hilarious mess, waking me up on Saturday morning to listen to records and drink red wine before breakfast. 


So today I am thinking of him, and thinking of me from what seems like another life. I still feel sick when I think about how quickly my life changed, how so much of me died along with him, how my world we had built together just vanished one day. He was gone, we were gone. Just like that.


The painful truth is that I'm over it now, over the intense heart ache and dull sorrow that death brings, and the only thing left is the uncomfortable thought that I can get over something like that. And the terrible fear that it can happen again at any time, and this happy life I have can once again be in ruins and I'll find myself once more crying in the shower. But I think I've learned to be comfortable in my own head now. I am stronger, older, wiser, calmer. Time has been my best friend in sorrow.  


So it's a strange day. Sad for a loss from the past, but guilty over my happiness in the present. But I am happy. And I think that's good of me. 


And here's a pretty song: 

Bananas Making Me Go Bananas

So I like me some bananas sometimes. Even though the real housewives of somewhere or other once told me that giving bjs give you more wrinkles and now that I'm in my 30's I have to worry about stuff like that. Oh god do I worry about stuff like that. And I figure that eating bananas is maybe sort of the same thing a little bit. But yesterday I let that worry fly out the window and I was going to eat a banana, dammit! I was like this monkey here. I thought "Sweet, dude. I'm gonna eat a banana.Alright." I was happy. But I still had hair on my head, so that's even better. But see how wrinkly he is from eating all those bananas?

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So I went to get a banana, but all the bananas at the corner store were still sort of greenish. So I picked the stupidest banana that was the least green. It was just so, so stupid. It was impenetrable! I tried opening it like a monkey does and that didn't work either and they are scientifically proven banana expert gods. I felt like this monkey. He just wants a banana, an OPEN banana, so badly! He wants to eat it with his mouth!

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So I had to bite and rip and peel the banana with my mouth and teeth which is probably not good for wrinkles and if I saw someone eating a banana the way I was, I would call them an idiot and yell "YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG!" Bananas are probably the easiest fruit to eat and I was doing it wrong. I was like this monkey here but pretend my banana was greenish and I'm not as adorable looking.

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And let me tell you, did you know that banana peels between the outside of the peel (the skin) and the inside (the slippy part), did you know that it is very very sticky and when you eat it like an idiot it makes you turn into that dog that just ate peanut butter and you just have to keep licking the roof of your mouth and you feel like you just ate a spoonful of cinnamon? Did you know that? So that made me feel like this monkey except maybe my foot doesn't look like a turkey nut sack.

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I was so upset about my banana experience that I had to eat three cookies and watch horrible television. I looked like this guy. I'm a mouth breather so this photo is apt I tell you. APT!

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So that's my banana story. I'm sure if I asked my friend's mom about banana stories, she'd have some doozies because she's an ER nurse and people sure do like to stick things up their bums. I'm tempted to google "most popular food to stick in bum" but guess what? I've learned things in life, and even though that might be a sort of funny tidbit to know and yell at people in the supermarket, I'm just not gonna do it. But if you do it, can you tell me the answer?

BANANA FACTS!

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Bananas are good for hangovers! It's because of all their calcium goodness. This is great news. Although if I was hungover when I couldn't get into that banana I probably would've started throwing some poop. I get it now, monkeys, I get it.

The banana tree is not a tree and the banana is not a fruit. The banana plant is a herb and the banana is a berry. Like transformers! "Bananaforms, roll out." - future movie quote.

Bananas are at risk of going extinct. They are very fragile little things and they don't have seeds so if some banana monster comes after them, they can be wiped out very easily. Science. I don't know why Bananas isn't a movie. If they've made a movie based on the game Battleship, I'm pretty sure a banana movie isn't very far behind it. Or at least Bananagrams then. Which I don't even know what that is.

In conclusion, OMG BANANAS.

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"Go apple!"
"Go orange!"
"Go banana!"

Beer, It's Lovely!

Ah, the olden times.

via Retronaut

Sometimes I sort of feel like I shoulda been one of these guys - an old man painter talking about hookers and boats and beer and wearing hats. Well, I guess I could still be an old hooker that works on boats and wears hats. And by hats I mean people would sit on my face.

I stopped hoping and dreaming a long time ago.

Grand Ole Bestiary

I found some old photos of my family online! Just kidding, they're not my family but they SHOULD BE. These guys are awesome. I guess it's obvious that we're not related because of, you know, the animal heads but I could easily have an animal head too! You don't know. (Hint: if I had an animal head, it would probably be a walrus).

But anyways, here's what I think is going through the minds of these fabulous critters (all from Retronaut):

"Dude. I am so stoned right now. I don't even know if I'm a mouse or a squirrel. Either way, we should eat some cheese. Hey, what are we looking at, bro? Is that the Titanic? Are we alive during the Titanic times? Where'd you even get those cookies? Oh god, we're in an experiment aren't we? They're experimenting on us! I am NOT hitting that button again. Oh man, I'm freaking out right now. I do NOT like this. Oh shit, are those acorns? I like your shirt. Hey, I have the same shirt!"

"I am such a horny gal!"

 "So that bitch Courtney is just playing him! You should see her, Delores! She does this annoying thing with her mouth all the time that is trying to be sexy but she's just DUMB, you know? She always brings up how she's a MODEL, you know, and none of the other girls in the house even like her, she's so bitchy I just hate her. Ugh. And you know he's going to pick her in the end. Men are so stupid."

"Come along, Finnigan, and don't give me no sass. I have to hurry back home and get that gazelle in the oven! I met the most wonderful lion cub named Simba last week and I'm cooking him dinner tonight. I think tonight is the night, Finnigan! I have the perfect Elton John song to play for our magical moment!"

I. am. bored.

Dinosaur and Helicopter

No, this is not my Christmas wish list. This is real life. Sort of. I think. But I'm pretty sure the dinosaur is not real though, and I deduced this from the metal looking spikes sticking out of his feet. Detective work is sort of a gift of mine. So if you need me to come snoop around and find diamonds and rescue dames and stuff, I can do it.

via Retronaut

Weight Loss for Dummies

I hate this bitch. (via)

So I'm a little bit rotund. I like to think plump. It makes me sound sweet and jolly. Although I'm not sweet or jolly at all. I'm bitchy and bitter. I WILL CUT YOU.

So I decided to, you know, stop eating like it was a sport and, you know, maybe run around a little bit more, like I imagine a donkey would when he got all excited about eating carrot cake or something. I don't know when donkeys run actually. All I know about donkeys is that 90% of the time they have these giant erections that ruin an otherwise family-friendly photograph of some farm scene. Oh, donkeys and their erections!

So enough about that, here are a few helpful hints I've come across in losing my much-needed-to-lose twelve pounds in a month:

• Don't eat peanut butter cups everyday. This makes me cry, but it's the truth.
• Stop betting people money about how much or how fast you can eat. 
• Refrain from drinking your age in alcoholic drinks. This is really just a good "life" lesson that most thirty year olds know about already, but I'm a slow learner. I just don't get it. I'm all like "WHAT?" and "HUH?" and "YOUSE BE JOKING, RIIIGHT?"
• If you slip up and do eat a dozen peanut butter cups or drink a dozen beers, it's ok! Just hop on a treadmill, think about how much you hate yourself and run until you throw up all that delicious, evil food and drink. DO NOT EAT YOUR THROW UP. Do not eat it. This part is important. You can't do things just because your cat does. I'm just throwing life lessons at you!
• Think of every bit of food and drink you used to enjoy and just forget about it. If someone keeps offering you baked goods, you forget about those people too. Say "Donut what? Who are you?" Boom forgotten.
• Learn words like "arugula", "vegetable broth", "dry toast" and "tap water".Because did you know that normal, everyday delicious foods are full of these things called calories? WHAT THE HELL IS THAT? So all the sundaes I ate before, with peanut butter, hot fudge, rice crispies, walnuts, maraschino cherries and whipped cream, they were all filled with these "calories". Sweet, delicious, sneaky bastard calories. Can you believe it? I can't believe that I can still fit through doorways, knowing what I know now about these calorie fuckers.
• If you're at the gym and hating it, like a normal person would, imagine that guy in Reservoir Dogs that has to sit tied to the chair while that other guy dances around to "Stuck in the Middle With You" and you just know he's gonna do something with that knife, and then he cuts your ear off! Imagine that! Now it's not so bad running a little, is it? I also used to do this at the dentist, when dentists were horrible people back in the day and fluoride came in two flavours - banana or strawberry - and you had to keep it in your mouth for ten hours trying not to throw up all over the place.

So that's it. I am pretty, pretty, proud of myself. You don't know the temptation I have towards peanut butter cups, unless your name is Gollum and you're all freaked out about some ring. Then maybe you sort of understand. So if anyone wants to book me for some motivational speaking I have a pretty open schedule and I'll take payment in doritos and whisky. My use of curse words is non-negotiable, but I am flexible on pants.

Introductions

I'm a socially awkward person. Until I've had like twelve beers and then I'm just gorgeous, witty and a world-class dancer. I know I'm actually probably more like Chris Farley though - total fat guy in a little coat with unkempt hair. And I break things I sit on.

A photo from a genius holiday party we had. Everyone bought delicious food over and I kept pretty much all of it. 

Anyways, I want to start making charming and delightful introductions when I introduce one friend to another friend or to an enemy or to my cat. So here are some ideas to introduce some people to some other people (or animals).

"Samantha, this is Arnold. Arnold is an unconventional and at times inappropriate amateur sleuth with infinite curiousity and a penchant for danger. His interests include backgammon, knives and bloodhounds. Samantha is a fiery acrobat known for her incredible strength and her uncanny ability to communicate mentally with animals. Samantha spends most of her time chilling at home in Grayskull."

"Henry, this is Delores. Delores is a street-savvy working girl who doesn't take no crap from nobody! She once helped turned a man's life around by buying and selling orange juice and pork bellies on the commodities market! How about that? They made a movie about it. And Henry is a lovable but naive fool who's overcome an unfortunate addiction to opiates and epsom salts. Now he spends his time reading Eckhart Tolle to his parrots."

And here's how I would introduce myself to my cat:

"Marley, this is Diana. She's a grumpy, mumbly curmudgeon that's suffered multiple injuries to the face. She finds solace in peanut butter cups, questionable reality tv and napping outdoors. Her spirit animal would be the sea turtle because of its sleepy eyes and hopeless nature. Diana, this is Marley. She's a sassy fat cat who enjoys scratching vinyl records, the couch and random boxes. She is an extraordinary judge of character, as she chooses to poop exclusively at the house of the only grouchy neighbour on the block. Her favourite food is bugs."

How would you introduce yourself?

Portland

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I'm visiting Portland for the first time this weekend. My goals are to go to Target for some globe string lights, eat a crazy donut, drink some delicious beers and run around in the forest. I'll probably also get a little too drunk and say "put a bird on it" too many times and the probably want to punch myself in the face. I'm just being real here. You gotta be real. Like plants. I  hate fake plants. I will kill a thousand live plants before I get a fake one. ONE THOUSAND. And I'm probably getting pretty close. Just kidding. I've maybe killed twenty plants. Just kidding. I didn't kill them, they passed away naturally in their sleep. Just kidding. Plants don't sleep, my cat sleeps. Just kidding. She doesn't sleep, she always has one eye open. Just kidding. Sometimes she closes both eyes but then I poke her and go "Hey". Just kidding. Hay is for horses. Just kidding. Hay is for lots of animals. Just kidding. Probably not puppies. Just kidding. Puppies could like hay. I don't know. Just kidding. I do know. Just kidding. I don't know. I just like puppies. Just kidding. I like other stuff too. Like cotton candy. Just kidding.

Did you guys see Kristen Wiig as Judy Grimes on SNL? I watched it TWICE, which now that I've written that in caps lock doesn't seem very impressive.

Frida

I dressed up as Frida Kahlo this Halloween. The unibrow would have happened naturally if I just gave it some time. It's a really easy costume to pull together, which is good because I'm lazy and cheap and lazy!

Some of my favourite costumes I saw at our Halloween party were: a robot complete with bike light eyes, sexy saxophone man, clockwork orange guy and Alfalfa. I never used to be into Halloween, but I must say it was pretty neat having a party where almost everyone was in costume. I loved being able to refer to people as what they were dressed up as, like "what's the slutty Olive Oyl drinking over there?" or "why'd you almost fight Buzz Lightyear?" or "Hunter S. Thompson can't find his phone".

I also love this:

@azizansari Aziz Ansari

Best thing I heard all Halloween - "Oh shit! Jesus just punched that Ghostbusters in the face!!"

Also, our party consisted of four kegs and two visits from the cops. How old am I, really?

Cowboys

Look at these cowboy photos! Just look at all these bad ass muthas! Cowboys are so cool. Except the calf roping. I don't like that bit. But I like that they can get so attached to their horse, and they can go "click click" with their tongue to make the horse walk backward to save them from falling off a cliff, like Mel Gibson did in that movie. Die Hard? The Jesus one? Maverick! I'd really love to know what all their horses' names are. I'd like to think at least one cowboy has named his horse Sparkles. Also, do you think they ever found Curly's gold? That's what cowboys do, right? They look for Curly's gold.

All photos from Retronaut

Fat Cats

Normally, I hate fat cats, but not these guys!

Sorry ninja turtle noses, you're out.

Two-Headed Animals

That's all I do lately is talk about animals! I guess I just sort of like animals better than people. They're furry and don't talk back. They don't yammer into their cell phones in quiet, public places or drive excessively loud motorcycles. They don't get all judgey on me when they see how much peanut butter I put on my toast. I picture a lot of animals to have personalities sort of like Mitch Hedberg - like they're goofy and high on heroin and say "ALRIIIGHT..." a lot. Laid back.

So I started looking at Two-Headed Animals. Look at how important that hyphen is in there: without it it would just mean two animals with heads, but WITH it it means animals with two heads. Punctuation is so important. It's the matter of one head or two, in this case. And heads are so important - it's where brains are!

So now that I just took ya to school with a little anatomy class there, here's some two-headed animals!

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Farm animals are the best in photographs because they're not smelly when it's just a photo. When I look at this little two-headed calf I think how come you only ever hear about things with two heads, and never anything about things with two bums? Doesn't that happen sometimes too? Surely it must! I must've been pretty close to having two bums because my bum is pretty big. I guess my DNA was like "ok you have enough bum DNA for two bums" but they forgot the splitter gene, that splits the one big bum into two regular sized bums. That is how it works scientifically. I have a microscope at home if you don't believe me.

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Hahahah... I don't care if this is real or not. I want to live there. Look at his feet! It's like ALF and the flying dog monster guy from Neverending Story as one! This llama would be cool even without a second head. At first I almost called him an emu! I think the legs through me off, they sort of seem like enormous bird legs. Also, is that a donkey or a pony? Why can't I recognize animals right now?! This is a disturbing turn of events. Can I go to the doctor and tell her about this? That's what our health care system is for right? Getting confused by the internet?

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Turtles are the funniest guys! Can you imagine these two trying to get anywhere? One head will be like "oh whoops, I forgot my leaf, let's go back" and the other will be like "I just want to get to that sugar cube over there!" I don't know what turtles eat, but who doesn't eat leaves and sugar?

TV: Teacher, Mother, Secret Lover

Ok, so I watch a lot of TV shows. I watch some really, really good ones that make me feel like I'm totally fuckin' educated, and then I also watch some not so smart ones that make me feel ashamed and embarrassed for the idiots on the ol' idiot box (The Situation at the Donald Trump Roast!). So maybe every Tuesday (but more realistically just today) I will sum up a few TV shows and TV experiences from my week. Because this is important!

 

 

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 (When you search "Whitney Cummings" google autocompletes it with "moneyshot", so be careful or you're going to waste your whole afternoon!)

I'm going to start with Whitney, because Krystal didn't even know what it's all about. She's kind of lucky, because the show is pretty terrible. I watch it still, because I watch terrible television, but I know it's terrible. So that makes me terrible, but I still exist dammit! Just like these terrible shows. I'm pretty disappointed in the show, because I thought she was at least sometimes funny on Chelsea Lately, but in her show Whitney she's really just an annoying girl in a relationship. And that's probably the worst type of annoying girl (the other types are annoying excited girl in clothing changing room at a sale, annoying drunk girl eating a hot dog beside you, and annoying girl on public transit gossiping about her friends.)

The last episode I watched she got mad at her boyfriend for checking out a girl and then lying about it. Then she gives him the silent treatment. And it's boring. I don't even remember what happens - I just have a vague, dull sense of irritability, and then they make up.

In conclusion, I give this show 6 thumbs up! It's dumb, but I'll still watch it and complain about it! If one of the characters would get some sort of substance abuse problem, I think the show would be a lot more interesting!

So watch out next week for some more tv reviews. I feel like I'll be a little bi-polar about reviewing things because as much as things might suck, I still want to give 'em 10 thumbs up like Homer Simpson, just because it's still TV. And TV is really, really, really good.

Speaking of Cats*

*It's a perfect segue because everyone's always speaking of cats, right?
 
Oh man, do I want a cat cam, Mr. Lee! I was pretty scared to search for "kitty cams" because I just really didn't know what I'd find. Cat cam seemed safe enough. My cat would be a good spy cat because she's so friendly and doesn't mind just waltzing into other people's homes. She could collect all their secrets! What if she walked in on people doing it? Then she'd be porn cat.

Spy Cat

Cats have actually been used as spies before by the CIA. Apparently, they "slit the cat open, put batteries in him, wired him up. The tail was used as an antenna. They made a monstrosity." So they unleashed this cat to go about its spy work all wired up and everything, and then he got run over by a taxi before it got any intel. Foiled!

They've tried to use other animals as spies too, which is probably mean to the animals sometimes, but the idea still intrigues me. It seems like it should be a tv show somehow, and that's probably what piqued my interest (TV!). Here's how I see the show panning out: My cat, Marley, is the star of the show. First off, she's already sort of undercover because everyone thinks she's a boy, but she's a girl. Second, I'll slap some reindeer antlers on her and then throw her in the snowy woods to go look for the bad guys from Goldeneye (does that make sense, I've only ever seen the video game). Then, she's gonna rig up some system to launch herself into the bad guys' lair just as they were about to kill James Bond, and she'll turn off their evil death machines or whatever and then he'll say "Now that's what I call a CATapult". Then she'll wink. Because she actually does wink in real life lots. That'll be her TV thing though.

Surely THAT would be more watchable than the crap that's coming out this season (Whitney? Come on.)