Weight Loss for Dummies

I hate this bitch. (via)

So I'm a little bit rotund. I like to think plump. It makes me sound sweet and jolly. Although I'm not sweet or jolly at all. I'm bitchy and bitter. I WILL CUT YOU.

So I decided to, you know, stop eating like it was a sport and, you know, maybe run around a little bit more, like I imagine a donkey would when he got all excited about eating carrot cake or something. I don't know when donkeys run actually. All I know about donkeys is that 90% of the time they have these giant erections that ruin an otherwise family-friendly photograph of some farm scene. Oh, donkeys and their erections!

So enough about that, here are a few helpful hints I've come across in losing my much-needed-to-lose twelve pounds in a month:

• Don't eat peanut butter cups everyday. This makes me cry, but it's the truth.
• Stop betting people money about how much or how fast you can eat. 
• Refrain from drinking your age in alcoholic drinks. This is really just a good "life" lesson that most thirty year olds know about already, but I'm a slow learner. I just don't get it. I'm all like "WHAT?" and "HUH?" and "YOUSE BE JOKING, RIIIGHT?"
• If you slip up and do eat a dozen peanut butter cups or drink a dozen beers, it's ok! Just hop on a treadmill, think about how much you hate yourself and run until you throw up all that delicious, evil food and drink. DO NOT EAT YOUR THROW UP. Do not eat it. This part is important. You can't do things just because your cat does. I'm just throwing life lessons at you!
• Think of every bit of food and drink you used to enjoy and just forget about it. If someone keeps offering you baked goods, you forget about those people too. Say "Donut what? Who are you?" Boom forgotten.
• Learn words like "arugula", "vegetable broth", "dry toast" and "tap water".Because did you know that normal, everyday delicious foods are full of these things called calories? WHAT THE HELL IS THAT? So all the sundaes I ate before, with peanut butter, hot fudge, rice crispies, walnuts, maraschino cherries and whipped cream, they were all filled with these "calories". Sweet, delicious, sneaky bastard calories. Can you believe it? I can't believe that I can still fit through doorways, knowing what I know now about these calorie fuckers.
• If you're at the gym and hating it, like a normal person would, imagine that guy in Reservoir Dogs that has to sit tied to the chair while that other guy dances around to "Stuck in the Middle With You" and you just know he's gonna do something with that knife, and then he cuts your ear off! Imagine that! Now it's not so bad running a little, is it? I also used to do this at the dentist, when dentists were horrible people back in the day and fluoride came in two flavours - banana or strawberry - and you had to keep it in your mouth for ten hours trying not to throw up all over the place.

So that's it. I am pretty, pretty, proud of myself. You don't know the temptation I have towards peanut butter cups, unless your name is Gollum and you're all freaked out about some ring. Then maybe you sort of understand. So if anyone wants to book me for some motivational speaking I have a pretty open schedule and I'll take payment in doritos and whisky. My use of curse words is non-negotiable, but I am flexible on pants.

Introductions

I'm a socially awkward person. Until I've had like twelve beers and then I'm just gorgeous, witty and a world-class dancer. I know I'm actually probably more like Chris Farley though - total fat guy in a little coat with unkempt hair. And I break things I sit on.

A photo from a genius holiday party we had. Everyone bought delicious food over and I kept pretty much all of it. 

Anyways, I want to start making charming and delightful introductions when I introduce one friend to another friend or to an enemy or to my cat. So here are some ideas to introduce some people to some other people (or animals).

"Samantha, this is Arnold. Arnold is an unconventional and at times inappropriate amateur sleuth with infinite curiousity and a penchant for danger. His interests include backgammon, knives and bloodhounds. Samantha is a fiery acrobat known for her incredible strength and her uncanny ability to communicate mentally with animals. Samantha spends most of her time chilling at home in Grayskull."

"Henry, this is Delores. Delores is a street-savvy working girl who doesn't take no crap from nobody! She once helped turned a man's life around by buying and selling orange juice and pork bellies on the commodities market! How about that? They made a movie about it. And Henry is a lovable but naive fool who's overcome an unfortunate addiction to opiates and epsom salts. Now he spends his time reading Eckhart Tolle to his parrots."

And here's how I would introduce myself to my cat:

"Marley, this is Diana. She's a grumpy, mumbly curmudgeon that's suffered multiple injuries to the face. She finds solace in peanut butter cups, questionable reality tv and napping outdoors. Her spirit animal would be the sea turtle because of its sleepy eyes and hopeless nature. Diana, this is Marley. She's a sassy fat cat who enjoys scratching vinyl records, the couch and random boxes. She is an extraordinary judge of character, as she chooses to poop exclusively at the house of the only grouchy neighbour on the block. Her favourite food is bugs."

How would you introduce yourself?

Portland

via

I'm visiting Portland for the first time this weekend. My goals are to go to Target for some globe string lights, eat a crazy donut, drink some delicious beers and run around in the forest. I'll probably also get a little too drunk and say "put a bird on it" too many times and the probably want to punch myself in the face. I'm just being real here. You gotta be real. Like plants. I  hate fake plants. I will kill a thousand live plants before I get a fake one. ONE THOUSAND. And I'm probably getting pretty close. Just kidding. I've maybe killed twenty plants. Just kidding. I didn't kill them, they passed away naturally in their sleep. Just kidding. Plants don't sleep, my cat sleeps. Just kidding. She doesn't sleep, she always has one eye open. Just kidding. Sometimes she closes both eyes but then I poke her and go "Hey". Just kidding. Hay is for horses. Just kidding. Hay is for lots of animals. Just kidding. Probably not puppies. Just kidding. Puppies could like hay. I don't know. Just kidding. I do know. Just kidding. I don't know. I just like puppies. Just kidding. I like other stuff too. Like cotton candy. Just kidding.

Did you guys see Kristen Wiig as Judy Grimes on SNL? I watched it TWICE, which now that I've written that in caps lock doesn't seem very impressive.

Frida

I dressed up as Frida Kahlo this Halloween. The unibrow would have happened naturally if I just gave it some time. It's a really easy costume to pull together, which is good because I'm lazy and cheap and lazy!

Some of my favourite costumes I saw at our Halloween party were: a robot complete with bike light eyes, sexy saxophone man, clockwork orange guy and Alfalfa. I never used to be into Halloween, but I must say it was pretty neat having a party where almost everyone was in costume. I loved being able to refer to people as what they were dressed up as, like "what's the slutty Olive Oyl drinking over there?" or "why'd you almost fight Buzz Lightyear?" or "Hunter S. Thompson can't find his phone".

I also love this:

@azizansari Aziz Ansari

Best thing I heard all Halloween - "Oh shit! Jesus just punched that Ghostbusters in the face!!"

Also, our party consisted of four kegs and two visits from the cops. How old am I, really?