Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Fears

Sharks, bears, flies in my head (I think they get in through my ears and/or eyes. Honestly, I think I feel them go in or out sometimes). Sound crazy? Well, this guy thought he was crazy when he heard stuff moving around in his head, but he actually had flies in there. Well, larvae, but STILL.

And the ocean is a scary place, man. There's so many weirdo creatures in there with fangs and lights inside them, and they can blow themselves up and poison you and shoot ink at you, and even kill the CROCODILE HUNTER. They're so weird, those sea creatures. I don't trust them one bit. I really don't want to see underwater things that can actually come up and touch me. I would poop myself to pieces.

So let's review some of those wackos of the sea (all photos from National Geogprahic):

Ooh, modern lounge chairs in the sea? NOPE! Pair of stingrays. (I wonder what stingrays think about pancakes?) I have to stop thinking about pancakes.

Ah, the regal Humboldt Squid. I actually don't know if they're regal, but I'm pretty sure these guys can shoot ink from somewhere. I don't know how they make it or where it comes out of, but I wonder if that big area that looks like it would be its head is where they store their ink. Because if it was full of brains, I think they'd be smart enough to shoot something better than ink at you. Like a bullet. Evolution - you're not so hot.

Look at this googly eyed love bug! I actually kinda liked this guy until I read: "The shrimp feeds by smashing open its prey until it can feed on its tissue". How violent. And his name? Peacock Mantis Shrimp. Really, scientists? You just combine three different names of things into one? I can do that. Watch.

Tumour Flamingo Foreskin.

Ah, a pretty flower petal floating through the calm waters. NOPE. Toxic Red Flatworm. Sea creatures are so tricky. I think they'd win a war over the land animals. I'd watch THAT movie.

This one's my favourite. Are you a Snail Lettuce Log? With a doorknob in your mouth? In an underwater crystal cave? Is She-Ra with you? NOPE! It's a Nudibranch and Tunicate. Now, when I read Nudibranch in my head, it sounds like nudey branch. That seems ridiculous but so is this Nudibranch. And the blue sparkly balloon in his mouth? That's the Tunicate. I think someone dumped a bunch of acid into the ocean.

Big deal, a starfish. BUT did you know they can SELF-AMPUTATE an appendage if they are injured or under attack, and then REGENERATE a body part that's been lost. This Starfish belongs on TV, wearing a little cape for his superpower abilities. He should at least be the new spokesperson for the War Amps Play Safe campaign, to replace the creepy Astar. I never liked that robot.

Hahaha... a shark blowing bubbles. I like this shark. He looks allllright.
You? I fear and hate you. I don't think you even have eyeballs and I can't trust someone without eyeballs. They're the windows to the soul.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Mismanaging Myself

I wore a dress today that has buttons down the front. Sometime throughout the day a button fell off. So I showed some upper stomach skin for an unknown amount of time. I also quite regularly have poppy seeds in my teeth. I don't even know where they come from, but somehow those little seeds sneak into my mouth! What I'm trying to say is, I'm a bit of a mess. I set out wanting to look put together and polished, like this:


But then I end up looking more like this:

The monster/bear seems drastic, but it's kind of accurate. Hairy, baggy eyes, fuzzy ears, stubby hand/arms... it's all there. (I actually don't think I have stubby hand/arms but I DO think that my arms sort of flop down in front of my body, and not really to the sides like normal people)

Anyways, so today was my effort at wearing a dress, pretending to be a functioning adult, and I go and pop a button and don't notice for what may have been an entire day. I also probably flashed a bunch of pedestrians and the guy that lives out of his van in the park when I was riding my bike with a dress. I NEED A LIFE COACH. Better yet, get me in the Starting Over House.

Here's what I need to work on:

Wash my face each night ESPECIALLY if I've worn makeup that day. Smoky eyes does not mean next-day mascara eyes (although that actually does work sort of well for a subtle effect)

Stop keeping my clothes and etc. in a pile on the floor. The answer to "where is...?" should never be "in my pile".

Keep buying junk on craigslist. Bowling pin ashtrays and broken projectors are awesome.

Check myself in a mirror after eating a meal with seeds, pepper, spinach... basically anything that is not tooth-coloured.

Keep my chin hairs at bay! Disgraceful. I remind myself of Teen Wolf.

Stop drafting imaginary letters to Olivia Palermo. She is not going to read them or agree that she's "pretty mean". That girl is such a phony! I hate phonies, just like Holden Caulfield and Lisa Simpson, and Olivia is the worst phony of them all. I hope Joe Zee fires her. Vote Quimby.

Keep quoting Simpsons religiously. Everyone loves it and it makes me seem pop-culture smart and not like I just watch the Simpsons almost nightly when I have trouble sleeping. I find it soothing. What?

Also, here's a video I enjoy. This is kind of how I would want to think I look riding my bike all girly like, and not like some sort of drunken-looking demon as I would suspect I do.

Friday, June 18, 2010

Vocabulary


I don't use the word "chucklehead" enough.

For example:

"I don't know about you chuckleheads, but I'm getting the macaroni"

"Who do those chuckleheads think they are. You call that a bowling team?"

"What the chucklehead do you do at a lettuce festival?"

On another note, I use the word "lovely" far too often, because it just sounds nicer than "nice". More... lovely I guess (DAMN IT). But here's what thesaurus says I can use instead:
 
admirable, adorable, alluring, amiable, attractive, beauteous, bewitching, captivating, comely, dainty, delectable, delicate, delicious, delightful, enchanting, engaging, enjoyable, exquisite, fair, good-looking, gorgeous, graceful, gratifying, handsome, knockout, lovesome, nice, picture, pleasant, pleasing, pretty, pulchritudinous, rare, scrumptious, splendid, stunning, sweet, winning
As you can see, I've already clicked on pulchritudinous, and I'm gonna try to bust that one out sometime soon. I'm gonna write it on my hand so I don't forget and then try not to sweat like a sea creature on my bike ride.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Donald's Downstairs?

Donald is DOWNSTAIRS!


That's from Brandi's song "sittin' up in my room". It's the opening little bit that sets the tone for the video, about Donald being downstairs at the party, and Brandi sittin' up in her room (I'm actually terrible at listening to lyrics, so I don't know what it's about at all. Why is she sittin' up in her room when Donald's downstairs?). But It takes me back to my teenage days, when I was a teenager, you dig?

So here's a terrifying moment from my past. Perhaps I can start a weekly post called "Terrifying Thursdays" to give my life structure, and meaning. Leave a legacy behind. There needs to be some sort of record of my legacies, and my triumphs! What about my triumphs?! Oh man, I've got so many triumphs...

But my terrifying moment. It was in high school of course. I think the terrifying part started on the bus, on my way to school, when I smelled something STINKY. But I was on the bus, so that made sense. I get to basketball practice and run around like a retard mentally retarded person and the other girls tell me I'm the ONE THAT STINKS. What did I stink like? Oh, like fish. I was a teenage girl that smelled like fish.

God damn it.

My mother had made some terrible rancid fish stew that day, and it seeped into EVERY FACET OF MY TEENAGE LIFE. I'm sure I walked around with stink lines for weeks. It honestly lasted weeks. I went to school smelling like fish for weeks. Guess what FEBREEZE? You don't remove ODOURS like the odour I had. Nothing did. It was unbelievable. I think it was nuclear. I'm pretty sure we didn't use electricity any more. Everything ran on fish smell.

So that's what I think of now when I smell stinky fish. My ol' high school days when I walked around school smelling like some sort of diseased vagina. I TOLD YOU IT WAS TERRIFYING.

Friday, June 11, 2010

Dolla Dolla Bills Y'all!


Yup, we'll give you $5 when you create a store on efreeme.com and list 20 items! $5 right into your pocket (via PayPal). There are so many great things to do with $5! Here are some ideas I've come up with:
  • Buy a bottle of wine in Argentina (in a restaurant!). You have to get there yourself though
  • Buy some seeds to plant a field of flowers (you just need a field and some time)
  • Buy an ice cream cone. Did you know that ice cream is delicious? 
  • Donate it! This American Life says $5 more than covers your share of listening to their programs for an entire year! They have good stories on there. My favourite was about a gorilla that this psychiatrist couple raised in their home but then when she became an adult they shipped her off to Africa with other gorillas that had been pets, and these poor gorillas didn't know how to be gorillas! So a lady had to live with them and teach them how. They sounded like they were such sad gorillas! 
  • Buy a King Can of beer to take to a party. People love you if you show up with a King Can of beer.
  • Buy a pair of underwear. They're handy to have.
  • Buy a coffee for you and a friend and catch up on the old times and relive your glory days. See? $5 can almost buy the gift of friendship (kinda) and we're giving that to you. Really, that's priceless!
So go to efreeme.com soon! We can only give out $5 so many times before we run out of line of credit money we actually have! There is NO listing fee, NO commission on sold items, and there is NO "premium" sort of package or something that we will try to sell to you ever. It's just all... FREE.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Eye Spy

I like animal eyes. They seem more reflective. I just always wonder what animals are thinking. I wonder if they think the same about me. They can't ALWAYS be thinking about food, can they?

I bet this owl is thinking about rummoli, and also if it should go sit on a fence. I guess owls don't really sit anywhere, and he's probably wondering about that too and wishing he could sit. Sitting is awesome, but lying down is even better. And the poor owl can't do either. Tough life, owl!

This frog is mad! He just saw his girlfriend canoodling with another frog on a lily pad! He is so pissed right now.

So this is a butterfly, and its eyeball looks like a blood-filled tick I used to pick off the dogs at the cabin. For such a pretty insect you think their eyes would be a little nicer. Butterflies only think about the wind and avoiding raindrops.

This freaks me out, this eyeball of a snake. Then I imagine its forked tongue too and an ominous rattling noise! And you know what's even worse than a snake? A snake that can swim in the water! If I saw a snake in water somewhere I think I'd poop in my pants.


Poor old goat! What the hell sort of pupil is that? I actually really love goats, but they sure freak me out up close. They only think about eating cans and being friends with ponies.
This was a goat next to an old red barn that we saw on the way to Nelson. You can't see his eyes but they were totally crazy eyes. It was friends with a pony and the pony and the goat cuddled up together and the pony was covered in snow! That was a good trip.

And the classic husky eyes. They're just pretty, and sad. Huskies used to be wolves but they can no longer howl at the moon, so they got kicked out of the pack. That's why they're sad. They want to be wolves again.
 (Oh...I forgot where these images are from)

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

A New Vintage & Handmade Marketplace!


It's finally (mostly) here and ready for people to start posting their lovely items! (also ready for people to start buying some lovely items!) So list your items, set up shop before all the good names are taken, and bask in the sweet, sweet glory of avoiding any sort of fees (except for the little ding PayPal takes when your item sells).

There's still a lot of work planned to make it that much better, but please let me know if you have any suggestions at all. I'd really appreciate any and all feedback!

Here are a few things I've listed so far!






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