Humbug

Ok guys. I'm admitting defeat. Packing it in. Throwing in the towel and all that. On this holiday stuff that's just so cheery and infectious. Everyone out on the internet is decorating and baking and crafting the shit out of this holiday, and it's made me feel less than adequate. I can't keep up. 

(I watched "Keeping Up With the Kardashians" for the first time the other weekend, and nothing really made a lot of sense and they kept doing stuff and maybe going to Miami and having a baby and all this weird stuff, and I said "I can't keep up with these Kardashians" and THEN I realized that what I said is basically the name of the show. But I didn't even realize that because TV totally brainwashed me. So now I have to rethink all my brand loyalty because I just can't trust myself anymore. And I have to buy toothpaste tonight and I don't really know the difference between Crest and Colgate, and I just want something to protect my enamel because I'm deathly afraid I'm losing enamel on my teeth) 

So I've developed a plan. This year for my New Year's Resolution, I'm going to resolve to start making resolutions, so that next year I can resolve to get this holiday crap done EARLY, like summertime. Actually last night I bought gift tags on sale for me to use next year because I already have all my gift tag stuff worked out for this year. And I have TWO sets of unused Christmas cards that I can NOT use next year, and some tissue paper from already opened presents that's not too crumpled.

Did you see what happened there? A hoarder was born. I even have 2 cats already and their litter box is pretty, pretty full. "Do NOT touch that poop. Do NOT touch it. Wait, I need to go through that bag. There's old foreign newspapers and disappointing Kathy comics that I cut out like a crazy person. I shouldn't be allowed to have scissors. But my scissor room is over there. I've got millions of them. In that room there, with my shower curtains and Fraggle Rock toys. Watch out for that cat! Oh wait, it's dead. Nope, it's a raccoon. Nope, it's one of my babies. SOMEONE PROCREATED WITH ME."

Bless this mess.

Get This!

In one week (more or less), I will be going to the Museum of Natural History, a NY Knicks/Miami Heat basketball game, and the Brooklyn Flea Market. Could I BE more excited? No. 

via

Now, what did I find interesting or hilarious or ridiculous this week?

Body fishing in China: "...somebody has to do it, right? Otherwise our river might get too full with bodies."

A creepy interview with a creepy hand model. She seems so dumb and weird.

Changing your name to Captain Awesome? Awesome. (I'd aim pretty low though, because I'm modest like that, and go with something like "Crew Member Just OK")

Pasta carpet. 

Ducks being blown away by the wind. Oh my! (The music to go with this video is questionable)

I've always wondered what it's like to be the captain of a cocaine submarine.

I want to have a private library with this sort of stuff one day. Not public. Private.

I wish my street had pretty painted stripes.

And that's the end of that chapter!

Happy Weekend! I'm gonna sleep for one million hours this weekend.

Mitten Kitten?

What... are... YOU?

Donna Wilson

"I'm witty and sneaky, I like playing hide and seek and dislike tomatoes."

I love mittens, and I love kittens, but this sorry guy just fills me with all sort of rage and disappointment. He seems neither mitten nor kitten. BLAH!

Jellyfish

I feel a little bad if these are killed specifically to be placed in glass, but they're pretty nonetheless.

Dam & Karlslund Glas

Although, apparently jellyfish are pretty much taking over the world, so I think people should maybe stop eating little lambs and cows and things and maybe start scarfing down on some of these sea monsters.

Discover Magazine

Jellyfish creep me out. They totally belong in outer space.

Get This!

I got a ticket for not wearing a bike helmet. What a bunch of fascists.

I think the government is in cahoots with helmet manufacturers, just like they are with Big Tobacco and all those other evil corporations. Obviously the Big Helmet guys have way better lobbyists because so many people buy into this idea of helmets being safer, but some studies show that's just not true. There's a major government cover-up here, man. And I just became a victim. I'm always a victim. Like the time I was in the express line at the supermarket and the guy in front of me had a cartload of groceries and he's like "oh sorry, didn't realize it was an express lane" as he's unloading all his crap, and I'm standing there holding my foil balloon thinking "why did I line up behind this moron?". But then I realized I was the moron for standing behind him. See there I was a victim of my own stupidity. And it hurt.

Aqua Velvet Retro Graphica - Mid-Century Album Covers

Oh well. La di da. It's Friday, bitches! Here's the nonsense I've been filling my head with:

Facebook involved in 1 out of 5 divorce cases.WTF and LOL. Check out these facebook sneakers too. I'd divorce someone if they wore those.

A letter from a little girl urging Abe Lincoln to grow a beard. "All the ladies like whiskers". True dat, little girl.

I would love to make this pretty wine bottle light thing, but the chance of me severely injuring myself drilling a hole through glass is pret-tay, pret-tay, pret-tay good.

400, 000 square feet, 50-person cinema, multiple swimming pools, ballroom, staff of 600, $200,000 monthly electric bill. Who are you? Mr. Burns? Do you have albino rhino slippers too?

Because of all those chuckleheads that needed to feel like they made something, I now need to add fresh eggs, milk and oil when I bake cakes using cake mixes. Kidding! I don't bake, silly!

Avoiding your father right now? You're probably fertile and want to screw him.

I'm kinda glad this week is over. I'm pooped. But then another one is just gonna start again next week. The weeks just keep coming and coming and they don't stop. Just like the mail. Except my mail. I don't seem to get any. Unless you count "current occupant".

Have a slappy, happy weekend!

Drawing Cats

Americans, please tell me that one of you bought this groupon deal for a hand drawn cat from I Want to Draw a Cat For You. $3! One of the highlights is: "confusing holiday gift".

I was bummed that it was only for U.S. residents. Well, first I was mad. Then I was a little sad. Then I was hungry. And then I was sad again. And then I cried. And Maggie cried. Then she laughed. She's such a little trooper.

The point is: I drew some cats. 

Hades is a confused little fellow who's scared of bugs, peanuts and audible breathing. He enjoys walking backwards really slow, constant meowing and throwing up. His favourite book is: magazines.

Marley is a downtown alley cat from Peg Gritty who doesn't take no for an answer. She enjoys stealing food, breaking shit and giving sass. Her favourite food is: McNuggets.

Speaking of cats, have you seen this cat town in Florida some guy built? There's a cat-sized Walmart with little shopping carts. Meow I've seen it all.