Thursday, March 29, 2012

Bananas Making Me Go Bananas

So I like me some bananas sometimes. Even though the real housewives of somewhere or other once told me that giving bjs give you more wrinkles and now that I'm in my 30's I have to worry about stuff like that. Oh god do I worry about stuff like that. And I figure that eating bananas is maybe sort of the same thing a little bit. But yesterday I let that worry fly out the window and I was going to eat a banana, dammit! I was like this monkey here. I thought "Sweet, dude. I'm gonna eat a banana.Alright." I was happy. But I still had hair on my head, so that's even better. But see how wrinkly he is from eating all those bananas?
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So I went to get a banana, but all the bananas at the corner store were still sort of greenish. So I picked the stupidest banana that was the least green. It was just so, so stupid. It was impenetrable! I tried opening it like a monkey does and that didn't work either and they are scientifically proven banana expert gods. I felt like this monkey. He just wants a banana, an OPEN banana, so badly! He wants to eat it with his mouth!
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So I had to bite and rip and peel the banana with my mouth and teeth which is probably not good for wrinkles and if I saw someone eating a banana the way I was, I would call them an idiot and yell "YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG!" Bananas are probably the easiest fruit to eat and I was doing it wrong. I was like this monkey here but pretend my banana was greenish and I'm not as adorable looking.
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And let me tell you, did you know that banana peels between the outside of the peel (the skin) and the inside (the slippy part), did you know that it is very very sticky and when you eat it like an idiot it makes you turn into that dog that just ate peanut butter and you just have to keep licking the roof of your mouth and you feel like you just ate a spoonful of cinnamon? Did you know that? So that made me feel like this monkey except maybe my foot doesn't look like a turkey nut sack.
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I was so upset about my banana experience that I had to eat three cookies and watch horrible television. I looked like this guy. I'm a mouth breather so this photo is apt I tell you. APT!
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So that's my banana story. I'm sure if I asked my friend's mom about banana stories, she'd have some doozies because she's an ER nurse and people sure do like to stick things up their bums. I'm tempted to google "most popular food to stick in bum" but guess what? I've learned things in life, and even though that might be a sort of funny tidbit to know and yell at people in the supermarket, I'm just not gonna do it. But if you do it, can you tell me the answer?

BANANA FACTS!
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Bananas are good for hangovers! It's because of all their calcium goodness. This is great news. Although if I was hungover when I couldn't get into that banana I probably would've started throwing some poop. I get it now, monkeys, I get it.

The banana tree is not a tree and the banana is not a fruit. The banana plant is a herb and the banana is a berry. Like transformers! "Bananaforms, roll out." - future movie quote.

Bananas are at risk of going extinct. They are very fragile little things and they don't have seeds so if some banana monster comes after them, they can be wiped out very easily. Science. I don't know why Bananas isn't a movie. If they've made a movie based on the game Battleship, I'm pretty sure a banana movie isn't very far behind it. Or at least Bananagrams then. Which I don't even know what that is.

In conclusion, OMG BANANAS.
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"Go apple!"
"Go orange!"
"Go banana!"

Thursday, March 8, 2012

Beer, It's Lovely!

Ah, the olden times.

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Sometimes I sort of feel like I shoulda been one of these guys - an old man painter talking about hookers and boats and beer and wearing hats. Well, I guess I could still be an old hooker that works on boats and wears hats. And by hats I mean people would sit on my face.

I stopped hoping and dreaming a long time ago.
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