Cowboys

Look at these cowboy photos! Just look at all these bad ass muthas! Cowboys are so cool. Except the calf roping. I don't like that bit. But I like that they can get so attached to their horse, and they can go "click click" with their tongue to make the horse walk backward to save them from falling off a cliff, like Mel Gibson did in that movie. Die Hard? The Jesus one? Maverick! I'd really love to know what all their horses' names are. I'd like to think at least one cowboy has named his horse Sparkles. Also, do you think they ever found Curly's gold? That's what cowboys do, right? They look for Curly's gold.

All photos from Retronaut

Fat Cats

Normally, I hate fat cats, but not these guys!

Sorry ninja turtle noses, you're out.

Two-Headed Animals

That's all I do lately is talk about animals! I guess I just sort of like animals better than people. They're furry and don't talk back. They don't yammer into their cell phones in quiet, public places or drive excessively loud motorcycles. They don't get all judgey on me when they see how much peanut butter I put on my toast. I picture a lot of animals to have personalities sort of like Mitch Hedberg - like they're goofy and high on heroin and say "ALRIIIGHT..." a lot. Laid back.

So I started looking at Two-Headed Animals. Look at how important that hyphen is in there: without it it would just mean two animals with heads, but WITH it it means animals with two heads. Punctuation is so important. It's the matter of one head or two, in this case. And heads are so important - it's where brains are!

So now that I just took ya to school with a little anatomy class there, here's some two-headed animals!

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Farm animals are the best in photographs because they're not smelly when it's just a photo. When I look at this little two-headed calf I think how come you only ever hear about things with two heads, and never anything about things with two bums? Doesn't that happen sometimes too? Surely it must! I must've been pretty close to having two bums because my bum is pretty big. I guess my DNA was like "ok you have enough bum DNA for two bums" but they forgot the splitter gene, that splits the one big bum into two regular sized bums. That is how it works scientifically. I have a microscope at home if you don't believe me.

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Hahahah... I don't care if this is real or not. I want to live there. Look at his feet! It's like ALF and the flying dog monster guy from Neverending Story as one! This llama would be cool even without a second head. At first I almost called him an emu! I think the legs through me off, they sort of seem like enormous bird legs. Also, is that a donkey or a pony? Why can't I recognize animals right now?! This is a disturbing turn of events. Can I go to the doctor and tell her about this? That's what our health care system is for right? Getting confused by the internet?

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Turtles are the funniest guys! Can you imagine these two trying to get anywhere? One head will be like "oh whoops, I forgot my leaf, let's go back" and the other will be like "I just want to get to that sugar cube over there!" I don't know what turtles eat, but who doesn't eat leaves and sugar?

TV: Teacher, Mother, Secret Lover

Ok, so I watch a lot of TV shows. I watch some really, really good ones that make me feel like I'm totally fuckin' educated, and then I also watch some not so smart ones that make me feel ashamed and embarrassed for the idiots on the ol' idiot box (The Situation at the Donald Trump Roast!). So maybe every Tuesday (but more realistically just today) I will sum up a few TV shows and TV experiences from my week. Because this is important!

 

 

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 (When you search "Whitney Cummings" google autocompletes it with "moneyshot", so be careful or you're going to waste your whole afternoon!)

I'm going to start with Whitney, because Krystal didn't even know what it's all about. She's kind of lucky, because the show is pretty terrible. I watch it still, because I watch terrible television, but I know it's terrible. So that makes me terrible, but I still exist dammit! Just like these terrible shows. I'm pretty disappointed in the show, because I thought she was at least sometimes funny on Chelsea Lately, but in her show Whitney she's really just an annoying girl in a relationship. And that's probably the worst type of annoying girl (the other types are annoying excited girl in clothing changing room at a sale, annoying drunk girl eating a hot dog beside you, and annoying girl on public transit gossiping about her friends.)

The last episode I watched she got mad at her boyfriend for checking out a girl and then lying about it. Then she gives him the silent treatment. And it's boring. I don't even remember what happens - I just have a vague, dull sense of irritability, and then they make up.

In conclusion, I give this show 6 thumbs up! It's dumb, but I'll still watch it and complain about it! If one of the characters would get some sort of substance abuse problem, I think the show would be a lot more interesting!

So watch out next week for some more tv reviews. I feel like I'll be a little bi-polar about reviewing things because as much as things might suck, I still want to give 'em 10 thumbs up like Homer Simpson, just because it's still TV. And TV is really, really, really good.

Speaking of Cats*

*It's a perfect segue because everyone's always speaking of cats, right?
 
Oh man, do I want a cat cam, Mr. Lee! I was pretty scared to search for "kitty cams" because I just really didn't know what I'd find. Cat cam seemed safe enough. My cat would be a good spy cat because she's so friendly and doesn't mind just waltzing into other people's homes. She could collect all their secrets! What if she walked in on people doing it? Then she'd be porn cat.

Spy Cat

Cats have actually been used as spies before by the CIA. Apparently, they "slit the cat open, put batteries in him, wired him up. The tail was used as an antenna. They made a monstrosity." So they unleashed this cat to go about its spy work all wired up and everything, and then he got run over by a taxi before it got any intel. Foiled!

They've tried to use other animals as spies too, which is probably mean to the animals sometimes, but the idea still intrigues me. It seems like it should be a tv show somehow, and that's probably what piqued my interest (TV!). Here's how I see the show panning out: My cat, Marley, is the star of the show. First off, she's already sort of undercover because everyone thinks she's a boy, but she's a girl. Second, I'll slap some reindeer antlers on her and then throw her in the snowy woods to go look for the bad guys from Goldeneye (does that make sense, I've only ever seen the video game). Then, she's gonna rig up some system to launch herself into the bad guys' lair just as they were about to kill James Bond, and she'll turn off their evil death machines or whatever and then he'll say "Now that's what I call a CATapult". Then she'll wink. Because she actually does wink in real life lots. That'll be her TV thing though.

Surely THAT would be more watchable than the crap that's coming out this season (Whitney? Come on.)