Little Known Facts About Me

1. I don't like biting into apples. Mainly this is because I'm scared my teeth will break, since they're veneers after having smashed my face into the cement on my bike. But I also don't like biting into apples because I imagine I look horse-faced when I do. Although I also think I look horse-faced when I yawn, and I yawn all the time, because frankly, you bore me.

2. I feel like I have at least one fly in my ear holes sometimes. I hear it go "whoosh", and then I make myself look slightly retarded by pressing my ear down towards my shoulder and probably twitching a little. I'm not retarded. I just think I have a fly in my ear.

3. I don't like the whole vampire craze. I don't care about vampires. I like werewolves, because they're really just like wolves pretty much, and when I was in grade two the wolf was my favourite animal and I wrote that in my journal ten times every day about how much I loved wolves. Also, Teen Wolf was a great movie.

4. I tried to watch a video the other day about a giant centipede catching and eating a bat, but I couldn't watch all the way through, because although I thought the centipede looked sort of cute with all his legs and I know he has to eat something, I just felt really bad for the bat, because he was probably just flying around with his friends and then he gets eaten. That's a sad ending. UNLESS it was a trick title and no one gets eaten and they sort of high five eachother and then have brunch?

5. I don't like participating in things if it's not my idea. Yes, I'm a party pooper. My friend Andrew used to say something like "Did you have a big dinner?" and I'd say "Why?" and he'd say "BECAUSE YOU'RE POOPING ALL OVER THIS PARTY". Except usually they were trying to get me to agree to having a pie thrown in my face, and not like, participate in a bake sale. Boys!

Back to the Grind!

January is so stupid. I don't like it at all. But it's here and without even noticing it's even half over.

So some of you (like, maybe two) noticed that I hadn't been around for awhile. Now, sometimes when people are sort of MIA for a bit and then come back they have a big announcement to make, like they got engaged or became an astronaut or something. Not me! (Although I did lose my cat for one day and I discovered that I can tuck my jeans into my boots, which for me was a big revelation. I don't know why I didn't think I could do that before, but it just didn't seem to be a possibility for me. It makes no sense).

So I have no announcements. I was away because I was visiting Duncan's family in New York and Scotland, which was mostly pretty uneventful because of the blasted weather keeping us indoors. But it was nice. His family is nice. And get this! They're polite and respect each other! They're the type of family that you think only ever belongs in movies. But they're real people. It's fascinating.

Anyways, I hope to stop watching those stupid Kardashians long enough to do up some blog posts one of these days.

Humbug

Ok guys. I'm admitting defeat. Packing it in. Throwing in the towel and all that. On this holiday stuff that's just so cheery and infectious. Everyone out on the internet is decorating and baking and crafting the shit out of this holiday, and it's made me feel less than adequate. I can't keep up. 

(I watched "Keeping Up With the Kardashians" for the first time the other weekend, and nothing really made a lot of sense and they kept doing stuff and maybe going to Miami and having a baby and all this weird stuff, and I said "I can't keep up with these Kardashians" and THEN I realized that what I said is basically the name of the show. But I didn't even realize that because TV totally brainwashed me. So now I have to rethink all my brand loyalty because I just can't trust myself anymore. And I have to buy toothpaste tonight and I don't really know the difference between Crest and Colgate, and I just want something to protect my enamel because I'm deathly afraid I'm losing enamel on my teeth) 

So I've developed a plan. This year for my New Year's Resolution, I'm going to resolve to start making resolutions, so that next year I can resolve to get this holiday crap done EARLY, like summertime. Actually last night I bought gift tags on sale for me to use next year because I already have all my gift tag stuff worked out for this year. And I have TWO sets of unused Christmas cards that I can NOT use next year, and some tissue paper from already opened presents that's not too crumpled.

Did you see what happened there? A hoarder was born. I even have 2 cats already and their litter box is pretty, pretty full. "Do NOT touch that poop. Do NOT touch it. Wait, I need to go through that bag. There's old foreign newspapers and disappointing Kathy comics that I cut out like a crazy person. I shouldn't be allowed to have scissors. But my scissor room is over there. I've got millions of them. In that room there, with my shower curtains and Fraggle Rock toys. Watch out for that cat! Oh wait, it's dead. Nope, it's a raccoon. Nope, it's one of my babies. SOMEONE PROCREATED WITH ME."

Bless this mess.

Get This!

In one week (more or less), I will be going to the Museum of Natural History, a NY Knicks/Miami Heat basketball game, and the Brooklyn Flea Market. Could I BE more excited? No. 

via

Now, what did I find interesting or hilarious or ridiculous this week?

Body fishing in China: "...somebody has to do it, right? Otherwise our river might get too full with bodies."

A creepy interview with a creepy hand model. She seems so dumb and weird.

Changing your name to Captain Awesome? Awesome. (I'd aim pretty low though, because I'm modest like that, and go with something like "Crew Member Just OK")

Pasta carpet. 

Ducks being blown away by the wind. Oh my! (The music to go with this video is questionable)

I've always wondered what it's like to be the captain of a cocaine submarine.

I want to have a private library with this sort of stuff one day. Not public. Private.

I wish my street had pretty painted stripes.

And that's the end of that chapter!

Happy Weekend! I'm gonna sleep for one million hours this weekend.