Holy Crow!

This is incredible and terrifying. It made me google "people killed by crows" in case I ever come across this in my everyday life. Apparently no one has been killed by crows. OR LIVED TO TELL ABOUT IT.

via National Geographic

I can't decide what sort of animal attack would be best or worst. Here are the possibilities I'm considering:

a) Millions of crows. I actually don't think this seems to bad because it would be so frenzied and loud, like you were in a tornado of crows. Also, I don't know if this is how it works (when you're murdered by crows) but I like to think that there's so many of them they'll each just pick away a little bit of you and carry you off to far off lands and you'll be scattered all over the Earth. It's sort of romantic.

b) Thousands of Piranhas. I don't like this idea one bit. It doesn't seem fun or romantic and I think little fish shouldn't have teeth like that. If you're a fish and have teeth you should be a big shark, so that everyone knows you're scary.

c) Polar Bear. I thought this would be sort of ok, but then I stumbled upon photos from a polar bear attack. Let me just warn you that he was basically scalped and I can see through his ankle. I can see a lot. But I still sort of feel badly for polar bears because of how they're all drowning from global warming melting all their ice floes they sit on and have little nice parties with narwhals and seals. I'm pretty sure that was what Al Gore was saying when he was on Oprah.

d) Lion. No problem. I think he'd only kill me from suffocation due to cuddling too much. I can take that.

e) Moose. I've never seen a moose with antlers in real life, and it's something I really, really want to see. I've seen a moose with no antlers and it was o.k. I guess, but I want to see some antlers, dammit! So if a moose is gonna attack me, he better make sure he has his antlers on, or I'm gonna be pissed.

f) Elephant. I'm torn on this one. I think elephants are the sweetest, most emotional sort of animals and I love all those crazy elephant stories of mourning and grief and vengeance and everything, so I'd be pretty upset if one turned against me. I'd be all "Dude. Really, bro?" like when Ronnie and The Situation argue about the bro code.