Poppy Brew

Dinosaur and Helicopter

2011-12-12T16:40:00.000-08:00

No, this is not my Christmas wish list. This is real life. Sort of. I think. But I'm pretty sure the dinosaur is not real though, and I deduced this from the metal looking spikes sticking out of his feet. Detective work is sort of a gift of mine. So if you need me to come snoop around and find diamonds and rescue dames and stuff, I can do it.

via Retronaut

Weight Loss for Dummies

2011-11-23T12:06:00.001-08:00

I hate this bitch. (via)

So I'm a little bit rotund. I like to think plump. It makes me sound sweet and jolly. Although I'm not sweet or jolly at all. I'm bitchy and bitter. I WILL CUT YOU.

So I decided to, you know, stop eating like it was a sport and, you know, maybe run around a little bit more, like I imagine a donkey would when he got all excited about eating carrot cake or something. I don't know when donkeys run actually. All I know about donkeys is that 90% of the time they have these giant erections that ruin an otherwise family-friendly photograph of some farm scene. Oh, donkeys and their erections!

So enough about that, here are a few helpful hints I've come across in losing my much-needed-to-lose twelve pounds in a month:

Don't eat peanut butter cups everyday. This makes me cry, but it's the truth.
Stop betting people money about how much or how fast you can eat.
Refrain from drinking your age in alcoholic drinks. This is really just a good "life" lesson that most thirty year olds know about already, but I'm a slow learner. I just don't get it. I'm all like "WHAT?" and "HUH?" and "YOUSE BE JOKING, RIIIGHT?"
If you slip up and do eat a dozen peanut butter cups or drink a dozen beers, it's ok! Just hop on a treadmill, think about how much you hate yourself and run until you throw up all that delicious, evil food and drink. DO NOT EAT YOUR THROW UP. Do not eat it. This part is important. You can't do things just because your cat does. I'm just throwing life lessons at you!
Think of every bit of food and drink you used to enjoy and just forget about it. If someone keeps offering you baked goods, you forget about those people too. Say "Donut what? Who are you?" Boom forgotten.
Learn words like "arugula", "vegetable broth", "dry toast" and "tap water".Because did you know that normal, everyday delicious foods are full of these things called calories? WHAT THE HELL IS THAT? So all the sundaes I ate before, with peanut butter, hot fudge, rice crispies, walnuts, maraschino cherries and whipped cream, they were all filled with these "calories". Sweet, delicious, sneaky bastard calories. Can you believe it? I can't believe that I can still fit through doorways, knowing what I know now about these calorie fuckers.
If you're at the gym and hating it, like a normal person would, imagine that guy in Reservoir Dogs that has to sit tied to the chair while that other guy dances around to "Stuck in the Middle With You" and you just know he's gonna do something with that knife, and then he cuts your ear off! Imagine that! Now it's not so bad running a little, is it? I also used to do this at the dentist, when dentists were horrible people back in the day and fluoride came in two flavours - banana or strawberry - and you had to keep it in your mouth for ten hours trying not to throw up all over the place.

So that's it. I am pretty, pretty, proud of myself. You don't know the temptation I have towards peanut butter cups, unless your name is Gollum and you're all freaked out about some ring. Then maybe you sort of understand. So if anyone wants to book me for some motivational speaking I have a pretty open schedule and I'll take payment in doritos and whisky. My use of curse words is non-negotiable, but I am flexible on pants.

Portland

2011-11-17T11:27:00.001-08:00

via

I'm visiting Portland for the first time this weekend. My goals are to go to Target for some globe string lights, eat a crazy donut, drink some delicious beers and run around in the forest. I'll probably also get a little too drunk and say "put a bird on it" too many times and the probably want to punch myself in the face. I'm just being real here. You gotta be real. Like plants. I hate fake plants. I will kill a thousand live plants before I get a fake one. ONE THOUSAND. And I'm probably getting pretty close. Just kidding. I've maybe killed twenty plants. Just kidding. I didn't kill them, they passed away naturally in their sleep. Just kidding. Plants don't sleep, my cat sleeps. Just kidding. She doesn't sleep, she always has one eye open. Just kidding. Sometimes she closes both eyes but then I poke her and go "Hey". Just kidding. Hay is for horses. Just kidding. Hay is for lots of animals. Just kidding. Probably not puppies. Just kidding. Puppies could like hay. I don't know. Just kidding. I do know. Just kidding. I don't know. I just like puppies. Just kidding. I like other stuff too. Like cotton candy. Just kidding.

Did you guys see Kristen Wiig as Judy Grimes on SNL? I watched it TWICE, which now that I've written that in caps lock doesn't seem very impressive.

Frida

2011-11-02T11:45:00.000-07:00

I dressed up as Frida Kahlo this Halloween. The unibrow would have happened naturally if I just gave it some time. It's a really easy costume to pull together, which is good because I'm lazy and cheap and lazy!

Some of my favourite costumes I saw at our Halloween party were: a robot complete with bike light eyes, sexy saxophone man, clockwork orange guy and Alfalfa. I never used to be into Halloween, but I must say it was pretty neat having a party where almost everyone was in costume. I loved being able to refer to people as what they were dressed up as, like "what's the slutty Olive Oyl drinking over there?" or "why'd you almost fight Buzz Lightyear?" or "Hunter S. Thompson can't find his phone".

I also love this:

@azizansari Aziz Ansari

Best thing I heard all Halloween - "Oh shit! Jesus just punched that Ghostbusters in the face!!"

Also, our party consisted of four kegs and two visits from the cops. How old am I, really?

Cowboys

2011-10-28T17:07:00.000-07:00

Look at these cowboy photos! Just look at all these bad ass muthas! Cowboys are so cool. Except the calf roping. I don't like that bit. But I like that they can get so attached to their horse, and they can go "click click" with their tongue to make the horse walk backward to save them from falling off a cliff, like Mel Gibson did in that movie. Die Hard? The Jesus one? Maverick! I'd really love to know what all their horses' names are. I'd like to think at least one cowboy has named his horse Sparkles. Also, do you think they ever found Curly's gold? That's what cowboys do, right? They look for Curly's gold.

All photos from Retronaut

Fat Cats

2011-10-20T11:42:00.000-07:00

Normally, I hate fat cats, but not these guys!

Sorry ninja turtle noses, you're out.

Two-Headed Animals

2011-10-17T07:00:00.000-07:00

That's all I do lately is talk about animals! I guess I just sort of like animals better than people. They're furry and don't talk back. They don't yammer into their cell phones in quiet, public places or drive excessively loud motorcycles. They don't get all judgey on me when they see how much peanut butter I put on my toast. I picture a lot of animals to have personalities sort of like Mitch Hedberg - like they're goofy and high on heroin and say "ALRIIIGHT..." a lot. Laid back.

So I started looking at Two-Headed Animals. Look at how important that hyphen is in there: without it it would just mean two animals with heads, but WITH it it means animals with two heads. Punctuation is so important. It's the matter of one head or two, in this case. And heads are so important - it's where brains are!

So now that I just took ya to school with a little anatomy class there, here's some two-headed animals!

via

Farm animals are the best in photographs because they're not smelly when it's just a photo. When I look at this little two-headed calf I think how come you only ever hear about things with two heads, and never anything about things with two bums? Doesn't that happen sometimes too? Surely it must! I must've been pretty close to having two bums because my bum is pretty big. I guess my DNA was like "ok you have enough bum DNA for two bums" but they forgot the splitter gene, that splits the one big bum into two regular sized bums. That is how it works scientifically. I have a microscope at home if you don't believe me.

via

Hahahah... I don't care if this is real or not. I want to live there. Look at his feet! It's like ALF and the flying dog monster guy from Neverending Story as one! This llama would be cool even without a second head. At first I almost called him an emu! I think the legs through me off, they sort of seem like enormous bird legs. Also, is that a donkey or a pony? Why can't I recognize animals right now?! This is a disturbing turn of events. Can I go to the doctor and tell her about this? That's what our health care system is for right? Getting confused by the internet?

via

Turtles are the funniest guys! Can you imagine these two trying to get anywhere? One head will be like "oh whoops, I forgot my leaf, let's go back" and the other will be like "I just want to get to that sugar cube over there!" I don't know what turtles eat, but who doesn't eat leaves and sugar?

TV: Teacher, Mother, Secret Lover

2011-10-11T13:45:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I watch a lot of TV shows. I watch some really, really good ones that make me feel like I'm totally fuckin' educated, and then I also watch some not so smart ones that make me feel ashamed and embarrassed for the idiots on the ol' idiot box (The Situation at the Donald Trump Roast!). So maybe every Tuesday (but more realistically just today) I will sum up a few TV shows and TV experiences from my week. Because this is important!


via

(When you search "Whitney Cummings" google autocompletes it with "moneyshot", so be careful or you're going to waste your whole afternoon!)

I'm going to start with Whitney, because Krystal didn't even know what it's all about. She's kind of lucky, because the show is pretty terrible. I watch it still, because I watch terrible television, but I know it's terrible. So that makes me terrible, but I still exist dammit! Just like these terrible shows. I'm pretty disappointed in the show, because I thought she was at least sometimes funny on Chelsea Lately, but in her show Whitney she's really just an annoying girl in a relationship. And that's probably the worst type of annoying girl (the other types are annoying excited girl in clothing changing room at a sale, annoying drunk girl eating a hot dog beside you, and annoying girl on public transit gossiping about her friends.)

The last episode I watched she got mad at her boyfriend for checking out a girl and then lying about it. Then she gives him the silent treatment. And it's boring. I don't even remember what happens - I just have a vague, dull sense of irritability, and then they make up.

In conclusion, I give this show 6 thumbs up! It's dumb, but I'll still watch it and complain about it! If one of the characters would get some sort of substance abuse problem, I think the show would be a lot more interesting!

So watch out next week for some more tv reviews. I feel like I'll be a little bi-polar about reviewing things because as much as things might suck, I still want to give 'em 10 thumbs up like Homer Simpson, just because it's still TV. And TV is really, really, really good.

Speaking of Cats*

2011-10-07T15:32:00.000-07:00

*It's a perfect segue because everyone's always speaking of cats, right?

Oh man, do I want a cat cam, Mr. Lee! I was pretty scared to search for "kitty cams" because I just really didn't know what I'd find. Cat cam seemed safe enough. My cat would be a good spy cat because she's so friendly and doesn't mind just waltzing into other people's homes. She could collect all their secrets! What if she walked in on people doing it? Then she'd be porn cat.

Spy Cat

Cats have actually been used as spies before by the CIA. Apparently, they "slit the cat open, put batteries in him, wired him up. The tail was used as an antenna. They made a monstrosity." So they unleashed this cat to go about its spy work all wired up and everything, and then he got run over by a taxi before it got any intel. Foiled!

They've tried to use other animals as spies too, which is probably mean to the animals sometimes, but the idea still intrigues me. It seems like it should be a tv show somehow, and that's probably what piqued my interest (TV!). Here's how I see the show panning out: My cat, Marley, is the star of the show. First off, she's already sort of undercover because everyone thinks she's a boy, but she's a girl. Second, I'll slap some reindeer antlers on her and then throw her in the snowy woods to go look for the bad guys from Goldeneye (does that make sense, I've only ever seen the video game). Then, she's gonna rig up some system to launch herself into the bad guys' lair just as they were about to kill James Bond, and she'll turn off their evil death machines or whatever and then he'll say "Now that's what I call a CATapult". Then she'll wink. Because she actually does wink in real life lots. That'll be her TV thing though.

Surely THAT would be more watchable than the crap that's coming out this season (Whitney? Come on.)

Bored = Google "funny animals"

2011-09-27T10:31:00.000-07:00

Some photos are just stupid and cheesy and not funny at all, but then I remember I'm at work googling "funny animals" and I have the diet of a booze-fuelled eight year old, so I try not to judge. But I have made some observations.

via

My extensive research in this field has led me to conclude several key points.

Cats are hilarious and bad ass. They hate you, and that's funny!
Boxes on heads are funny.
Sleepy animals are funny.
Dressing animals in clothes is NOT funny.
Giving a slow loris a little umbrella is funny and adorable. I love that guy.
Animals watching tv are funny.
Wrinkly dogs are funny dogs, but Marmadukes are the funniest. He's so clumsy and can't control his limbs! Hot Dog is also a funny dog - he hates baths and loves sandwiches!
Animals looking like they're masturbating is NOT funny. Animal penises are NOT funny. And that's a shame because it really ruins a lot of otherwise good pictures of donkeys.
Wet cats are funny.
Panda bears are hilarious. They just seem like adorable furry people. I can picture panda bears doing everything people do: playing baseball, eating baloney, waiting in line at Starbucks, snaking a drain. I wouldn't be surprised if one day someone fesses up to just inventing the panda bear and they're like "listen guys, so awhile ago, a bunch of us just thought it would be fun to dress like this funny and adorable bear guy, and well, they're not real. It's just costumes and special effects and Hollywood and dedicated actors in panda suits". I'd be all "Right. Totally. I completely understand and it all makes sense to me. I am not surprised one bit at this news."

And that's that.

Able Design

2011-09-07T07:00:00.000-07:00

It's no surprise that I love animal related things. Well, maybe it is. But anyway, I love these posters by Able Design. Their animals have names and adjectives, which is great because then I can make up little stories in my head about these guys and just HOPE that they'll have action figures one day to act things out.

Able Design

So here's Humphrey. He's happy, but that's only because he's also too dumb to know any better. He's in love with a poacher's wife, even though she's been with half the jungle and has a lazy eye. But I guess he loves her anyway and you can't stand in the way of love. One day he received a letter in the mail and it told a story about an albino gorilla who was struck by lightning and would go out haunting and killing on the third moon of each month unless you sent the letter on to five friends with a jar of jelly. If they eat the jelly before the sun comes up then you'll be blessed with good fortune cookie fortunes and be lucky in love. So he sent the letter and jelly to his friends and waited. His next fortune cookie read "A fool knows when he's a beaten. A beaten fool is really beaten. A beaten egg is scrambled." So it's obvious how THAT ended for him.

Able Design

Caesar is a friendly lion, but in an ironic way. So he's actually not friendly. It's sort of joke on the savannah. Like the antelopes will be at the ol' watering hole and say "Did you see what Caesar did to Joe? That shit be cold!" and another antelope will say "Man, he's a friendly mother fucker, ain't he?" and the antelopes will all be like "FOR REAL!" because it doesn't really make sense but they just need to say something to take their minds off poor Joe, bled out in the grass after this cold killer got him by the throat.

Able Design

Edmund is so fucking passionate it's unreal. Here is a short list of things he's passionate about: adventure, actuarial math, anarchy, achieving the impossible, artichoke dip, afghan horses, Amazing Race, assassinations. That's just "A". There's still the rest of the alphabet, with all those other letters. I just used "A" as an example because it made sense to start with the first letter. He's passionate about alphabetizing also.

Gopher Hole Museum

2011-09-01T13:37:00.000-07:00

I can't believe things like this even exist. But they do, and I'm happy for that. I think. I'm undecided. Taxidermy is sort of a strange gray area for me, like throwing a cat into a snowbank. It's sort of neat to see, but I feel a little guilty about it. But gophers! Doing people things! If I was a gopher, I think this would be a perfectly respectful use of my dead body. I'd be the gopher lady with the groceries, but it would mostly be filled with peanut butter and zoodles.

All photos (and more!) here

Goodbye Twenties!

2011-08-26T13:11:00.000-07:00

via Neal on Flickr

Hit the big 3-0 a couple weeks ago. This post is kind of late, but that sort of happens when you get older. Time changes. Some sort of flux or continuum with space or something. Steven Hawking knows. I tried to read a book about it but it was too hard. But you can do it and tell me about it, ok?

I wanted to recap my twenties and sort of put them to rest and move on. So here are the highlights from my roaring twenties:

I worked in Jasper and met my best friend Meredith there. She's a legend. I tell Duncan often how much I love her, and I love that I have a strong female friendship that's not littered with bitterness and cattiness like all those other bitches.
I went to school for stupid computer programming and am still paying for that education. Bloody hell. It's enough to get me started on an uneducated socialist rant.
I lived in a funny apartment building in Winnipeg that was full of weirdos and people that should have been homeless. But they lived there, in their homes. Our neighbour Jerry once lit his underwear on fire. He was wearing them. I learned that, to me, Winnipeg is a depressing city that offered little hope or joy.
I moved to Vancouver. I was happy. Finally.
My boyfriend I was living with died from lymphoma in a matter of weeks. It changed me. I became bitter and cynical and drank too much. I learned about grief and mourning, and how sporadic and senseless and confusing emotions can be.
I traveled a bit. I learned I was bad at traveling. It makes me sleepy and I just want to live everywhere I go. Especially if there's hammocks.
I got a lovely little niece, Leta. I learned that watching a child run is like watching pure joy. That kid loves to run so much. WAIT TILL YOU'RE 30, KID! Running is the worst. You don't even know.
I met Duncan and fell in love. He had a beard at the time. He is the nicest and sweetest and kindest person ever. The only time he gets mad is when he flosses his teeth or when Marley interrupts his sandwich making. That's it. On my 30th birthday card he wrote "30's are the best. That's when I met you." I think through his kindness he's trying to make me not bitter and cynical and unpleasant, but it's not going to work. Or maybe it will. If we got a puppy. Or a baby.

In conclusion, a lot of my life happened in my 20s. But not enough. I don't have a horse or a house or a boat. I don't know how to tie all the knots I'd like to tie. I haven't been to an observatory. I've never seen a penguin or a mobster in a track suit. I haven't made a ship in a bottle. I've never had a souffle or played in a jazz band. I don't know how to fly a helicopter. I can't golf. I have not lived up to my potential. So I'll do that later on.

Giveaway Loser Winners

2011-07-25T18:00:00.000-07:00

So do you remember a million years ago I wrote a stupid post (as per usual) about how I always lose giveaways? And then I kinda joked about me having a giveaway where the winner would get to hear a story about my cats? Well you all won! Which really means you lost. Because now you have to read this story about my cats. But CORRECTION. My CAT. Singular.

And the story begins...

Well, basically the story is that my cat got hit by a car and died. It was a sad, sad day for me, and I'm still sad about it. I really hate when animals die. Like in movies when a horse gets shot and it falls down, and I freak out about it, and Duncan has to remind me that it's just a movie with special effects and stuff, and I yell "BUT IT HAPPENS IN REAL LIFE TOO!" And I'm totally right about that actually.

I miss my cat. He was the cuddliest guy. But he was still straight up GANGSTA. Man, dying out there on those cold, mean streets. Just being dropped like that? That's HARD. I'm pretty sure he probably jumped in front of that car to take a hit for some lady cat. Or maybe an old grandpa cat. I think he was like that.

Hades - Sometime in 2001 - May 31, 2011

Canada

2011-06-23T16:59:00.000-07:00

B.C. Woman Hits Moose On Way To Visit Sister Who Hit Moose

"Moose are involved in about 8% of all wildlife vehicle collisions, according to the Wildlife Collision Prevention Program’s website."

“I knew right away it was a moose,” she said. “I slammed on the brakes with both my feet.”

“It was like two explosions.”

via National Post

Canada is so gangster.

Have you ever hit a moose? Would you, could you hit a moose? Would you hit a moose on the loose? Would you hit a moose if he was with a goose? Would you hit a moose in a red caboose? Would you hit a moose then call a truce? Would you hit a moose with a blue spruce? How about if he was watching Footloose?

Ok, let's nobody hit a moose.

Poop

2011-06-23T16:54:00.000-07:00

Hey guys, I know I haven't posted anything in ages, but I just had to share with you that Japanese scientists have apparently made meat out of poop.

When I see someone eating beef, I'll just HAVE to tell them that maybe it's poop. Just so they know that it's possible. This breakthrough is fascinating, isn't it.

On another note, can you believe we still use shoe laces? It's funny how they can make meat out of poop but then we still do up our shoes with string. The world is so backwards.

Giveaway Loser

2011-05-13T11:17:00.000-07:00

Goddammit. I feel like all I do all day is enter giveaways. I feel like my odds are really good sometimes, and I just don't seem to win. I want junk, ok? If anyone is having a giveaway where I can be the only one entering to win, can you let me know? I'll tweet about it, or write it on a post-it or something. I'll tell the guy at Starbucks too.

So does anyone want to enter my giveaway thingy I'm having? The prize is nothing. But your odds are GOOD! Well, pretty good. And actually, since I'm feeling generous I'm going to add to the prize of nothing and raise it up to a story about my cats. So if you win, I'll tell thee a tale of kitty proportions! And I have TWO cats, so there are lots of stories of cats to go around, mmkay? And these ain't no boring white bread city cats neither. No, these be straight up gangsta cats, who have run-ins with coyotes and eagles and gang bangers and everything. There's even rumours going around the hood that there's a crazy old man that traps cats on the next block. But my cats are way too smart to fall for that. I'm also pretty sure they're cooking up some traps of their own, sort of Home Alone style. And if you think about it, Home Alone would still be a pretty sweet movie if it was about cats being home alone. IF you think about it. Which you should.

So to enter this giveaway, please follow me on twitter, facebook and at the grocery store (no judging! I need all those nut butters!). Also, extra entries if you send me a video of you buying batteries (I have my reasons!) or if you punch an idiot in the face. I don't count as an idiot and there will be no arguments about that! If you punch me in the face, you're totally disqualified. If you punch Tyra Banks in the face, you get double entries and go into a bonus round.

Oh. No takers? Quel surprise!

Election Day

2011-05-02T15:51:00.000-07:00

So, I've never voted before. I'm lazy, and frankly, I don't really know how. Also, I don't really mind so much. The issues I genuinely care about aren't exactly hot topics with the candidates. Here's a short list:

Motorcycles are too loud.
I don't like being forced into standing ovations.
No late-comers to the cinema.
People who don't pick up their dog's poo have to eat it or something gross.
The police don't always have to be so mean and law-enforcing. Maybe sometimes they could be positive and polite and encourage good behaviour. They could say "Wow. That was so nice of you to wait for the walking man to light up when you crossed that intersection!" or "Hey! I saw you pick up that litter and put it in the bin! Good work, citizen!" or "You looked pretty when you came to that full stop!"
There should be more canals around. Canals are grossly underused in Canada.
No bumpy roads.

I realize I sound a bit like a sociopathic grandma.

Well, off to the voting stations. Do I pull a lever or something? Or tick a box? Throw a walnut in a hole? I am so not prepared for this.

Crikey!

2011-04-28T12:06:00.000-07:00

via

I love reptile limbs. They remind me of muppets how they don't really seem to have joints and they're just sort of floppy.

Can you imagine seeing this guy in the wild? Eating a bucket? That would be so scary. Today on my bike ride to work I saw a goose. It seems all innocent, but this goose was out for blood I tell you! Here's the full story of the goose:

It started months ago when I first spotted a stray goose on a little side road that I take on my way to work. I thought "Oh, a goose!" and then "He's all alone. He must be lost". I actually worried about this goose. I don't like seeing geese by themselves. But a couple days later there were two geese and they walked around the road like they owned the place. Like their farts don't stink, ya know?

Some astute readers of this complete waste of time blog may remember mention of another goose run-in with a family member of mine. My mother was knocked off her bike by a goose. Now I don't know what my family ever did to geese, but apparently we drew first blood and geese don't forget that. So it makes me weary you know, this unspoken feud my family shares with geese. I could feel it in my bones. I was next.

So this morning I'm bicycling along my route to work when I take a left turn (as always) onto a little quiet block. At the very end of the block in the middle of the road, stands a goose. I bike towards him, my heart racing, my nose dripping with anticipation (I have a cold). He starts honking. He takes a few steps towards me as I get closer and honks louder and more insistent. Frantic honking. Honking for his life. I go "whoa" and swerve around him using my super duper bike skills. He looked pissed. I won this round. Take that, Goose! As I pedaled away I saw a taxi cab come to a complete stop in front of the goose. I couldn't bear to watch the bloodbath that this goose most definitely had in store for these unsuspecting passengers, these next victims in his bloody killing spree. I just couldn't bear it. So I'm at work now. My safe goose-free work.

And that's that.

OR IS IT?

via

Yellow Frogs!

2011-04-18T10:50:00.000-07:00

via Dear Libby

Ready for a story about my childhood? Excited? Me neither, but it's Monday so what do you have to lose? Some dignity, sure, but just deal with it, ok?

It was maybe 1992, sort of around the time where I was wearing tights underneath my jean shorts and maybe tried to wear eyeliner with disastrous results. I had a friend named Kendyl that was talented and funny and whose mom and sister called me "Piñata". I do not know how that name came to be, but it was awesome. (It's probably because you associate piñatas with partytime, and that's totally what I was like at eleven - super happy fun partytime. And then crying. Lots of crying. Oh man, all that crying!).

So one gorgeous summer day, Kendyl and I decided to draw on the sidewalks with sidewalk chalk. Well, Kendyl did all the drawing and I coloured it in. She's an amazing artist, see? So I would go around colouring in her creations while ladies walked by and complimented me on how good they were, and I was all, "natch", because I read that word in Archie comics a lot.

She lived in a sort of apartment complex that had all these townhouses in an area with all these sidewalk paths going between them so we drew/coloured all over the place. Then we decided it would be funny to draw these yellow frog type gang signs all over the place so people would think there's a new gang in town called Yellow Frogs, with two bad ass members (one of them named Piñata). People would be so confused and terrified and excited by this idea, hey?

But we were foiled by a grumpy landlady who hates fun. She made us adorable little pre-teens wash off the drawings with a hose. Isn't that a sad scene? A hose! It's like we literally washed away our fun and youth into those city drains. But that art nazi couldn't wash away our memories! Those yellow frogs will remain in our hearts and minds forever and ever...memories of a long ago time, a simpler time, but a time filled with strife and sarcasm and endless sidewalks of possibilities. A time of petty struggles and angst-filled youth. A time of dusty boot straps and bloody protests in the street fueled by rage and poverty and tequila... I could go on and on.

No? Ok.

Jive Talk

2011-04-13T14:17:00.000-07:00

I know I'm usually a good for nothin' mop that's out of the world mellow stage, but things are gonna change MAN. I'm not gonna hold back the dawn. So find yourself a groovy little stash and dig what I'm puttin' down, cats.

via

I bought me a trumpet. Even though I don't be stickin', I just had to get it, man. You dig?

Ya, me neither. It only works when I push down the third key. Oh, I'll make such beautiful music!

Get This!

2011-04-01T12:05:00.000-07:00

I'm using twitter now. Or sort of. I'm not good at it. I have nothing to say, except things about poop. But this is me: @DianaRainer.

Mid-Century Album Covers

So, what I found interesting and exciting and hilarious this week:

This guy standing on his head lots.

Little monkeys racing little cars. Part of me thinks it's terrible to get animals to do stupid things like that, but, well it's monkeys in cars. Moral dilemma settled. It's cute!

Nose candy app. Come on, people.

An adorable letter from a 9 year boy that thinks he knows how to "make people and animals alive" and just needs a little help getting some supplies (like "tools for cutting people open").

I want to live in a Brachiosaurus! He's my favourite.

Cats that look like Hitler.

Donkey saves sheep friend from angry dog. I should read the news more often.

Nope! Nope, I shouldn't. Obese man fused to chair.

Oh. Wait. Sheep give birth to dog.

Hope everyone has a good weekend, full of magic and mystery and mayhem! Not me. I'm having a cat night tonight. I had a dream I let in a wolverine and it ate one of my cats, so I'm sort of trying to process that emotionally by spending extra time with them and talking to them like they're people. But really, I'll probably just yell at them when they stand in front of the tv. (My shows!)

Big Balloons

2011-03-30T12:33:00.000-07:00

Oh my! I could lift up so many things with those balloons! Like me! Holding some bananas!

via National Geographic

"Setting a new world record for the largest balloon cluster flight ever attempted, the entire aircraft from top to bottom was a whopping 10-stories high, made it to an alititude of 10,000 feet, and flew for about an hour."

Crazy? Also, did you know that the world is running out of helium? And that most of the world's helium comes for an area around Amarillo, Texas? Wow, huh? You can read an article here about it, but I'll sum it up for you because it's very technical and sciencey and has lots of words, and really, who has time for that.

So, some science dudes were all like "hey, there's this awesome isotope called helium-3 that's missing a neutron, but it's super rare. But it could be a fuel for a form of nuclear fusion that could take us to frickin' NEPTUNE, man! Neptune!" So in the 60's the U.S. government realized that helium was a handy little guy to have around so they stockpiled a shitload of it underground. Now for some unexplained reason they don't want the helium anymore, which sounds bananas to me, but I'm sure there's some sort of conspiracy going on that involves Tom Hanks. So they're selling off their bunker of helium to just anyone and think it will be all gone in 10-25 years, with the entire stupid earth being virtually helium-free by the end of the century. What sort of planet would that be, with no helium? Sounds like a pretty stupid one, if you ask me, with no floating houses or anything. But anyways, there's a bunch of helium on the moon and some planets and stuff, so we just have to get there to get it. Which is totally worth it for party balloons. Totally.

Would You Rather...

2011-03-23T10:11:00.000-07:00

...Be a half human/half octopus, with the upper body and head of a human and the lower tentacles of an octopus BUT you would always be really thirsty and you were only allowed on land for 1 hour each day and you couldn't ride a bicycle

OR

...Be a robot that scooted around on wheels and could go really fast and speak every language in the world and you'd always win at Jeopardy and you'd never be itchy BUT you could only eat food that starts with the letter "R" and your only friend is a mean snake that always makes you clean his toilet?

My Thoughts:

I like the octopus bit of the first option and I'm usually thirsty anyways, but I do love bicycles. Although I am pretty frightened of all those crazy creatures in the sea so I would live a life of constant fear. And I wasn't liking the food restrictions of the second option one bit until I realized that "Reese Peanut Butter Cups" would be in, and I think I could eat those A LOT. I also love raspberries, and they're in too so I think I could handle the "R" foods bit. And I hate being itchy and I'm pretty bad at languages, so those are two big bonuses for robot. Hmm...

My Answer:

Octopus. I'm not too attached to my legs and I like the idea of being a sea creature.

(Check out this octopus with a human head. Um, that's NOT the kind of octopus creature I want to be. I'm way bigger and more jolly looking in my imagination)

What would you rather be?

Word Verification Prohibition

2011-03-22T07:00:00.000-07:00

Today I had one where the word was uraretard (u r a retard). I thought "Yes. Yes I am. For typing into a word verification box." They're so dumb and pointless and they waste my precious precious time when I could be doing a million other productive things. Such as:

Texting my friends complaining about hangovers
Reading gossip about Taylor's lips from The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills (she's so stupid)
Pointing out bugs to my cats so they can eat them up!

Thinking about chocolate bars and eating them
Watching television programs about men in Alaska and their glory hole
Looking for garbage on craigslist and trying to convince Duncan we need 4 vintage suitcases and an old door

See? I don't have time to verify WORDS. They're never even real words. It bugs me so much! So myself and the lovely Krystal over at Village said "SCREW YOU" to word verification and we're starting up a word verification prohibition!

Here's a button if you're in (with the cool kids)

Otherwise, so long chummmmmmmmmmm......puh!

(I'll still read your blogs, but I'll mutter curse words under my breath and maybe pound my desk with my fists, sort of a like a chimp. It's not pretty)

Toms Shoes

2011-03-21T09:00:00.000-07:00

Toms Shoes

I really want a pair, but haven't tried any on and I'm baffled by all the options. Since I have big feet, I try to stay away from red (Ronald McDonald) or yellow (Big Bird), even though I really like the red ones! I'm seriously like Side Show Bob feet though. What to do!

They even have a wedding section! (I will totally wear these for a wedding). It also doesn't hurt that with every pair you buy they'll buy a pair of shoes for a child in need. They remind me of the old dock shoes I used to have as a kid that I wore until they literally FELL off of my feet. It's true. I was running around at this Harbour Festival in a town near our cottage and my foot went completely through my shoe and I fell down and did an awkward Chris Farley sort of tumble and was all "SON OF A....".

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

2011-03-17T13:47:00.000-07:00

Ya bunch of drunks! Do people actually celebrate this holiday without drinking? I don't think so.

I drank so much when I was in Ireland. It's hard not to, really. And rude. Don't be rude!

The Penises of Bhutan

2011-03-15T07:00:00.000-07:00

Hmm. How interesting? Apparently some lama either hit some demon on the head with his penis, or he shoved it in his mouth and suffocated him with it! Well. Ok. So people would paint penises on their houses. Oh. Yes. I see. So when do the pills and weird druggy plants full of delicious toxins kick in? Where's that part of the story? It's missing.

Wonder a Day

Oh, Bhutan! Is this why you guys are so happy? Because you see penises everywhere, and it's sort of funny? I like this idea! But maybe we can replace penises with other happy things like koala bears and mittens and peonies and Godzilla? Fun stuff!

Talent

2011-03-14T07:00:00.000-07:00

I'm always amazed by the crazy sketches people do over at Odosketch

.

Why the hell are people so talented and why don't I have any sort of special talents? My nose is especially runny all the time but I haven't found ONE ideal use for that gift. Not one.

LIFE'S NOT FAIR. Where's Oprah when you need her?

Get This!

2011-03-11T09:54:00.000-08:00

Yesterday in a torturous boot camp class I went to, I discovered that my bum could pretty much use some sort of bra for support. What was with all the jumping? Anyways, it could be called a brum.


“Really? Really? You’re really laying is on me now? Can’t this wait until the pills kick in?” - Hungover Owls

Now for things of interest (to my pitiful mind, anyways) around the big ol' internet:

Incredible dog stories that make me want to scold my cats just a little bit, for never jumping in the line of fire or basically anything really useful or heroic. (Damn you! You intelligent, selfish animals you!)

A funny letter posing the question buttocks or crotch? My answer is buttocks.

Sushi candy! Indeed!

I need to put some pom poms on some cocktail napkins and also put some bricks on a ceiling. Gorgeous!

Tiger kills lion in a Turkish zoo. Now, I'm not saying this zoo isn't safe, but if a LION can be taken out I don't really think I stand much of a chance of survival. A LION! That little turn of events would have made Madagascar a whole other kind of movie.

Spent a little time at work honing up on my Rock Paper Scissors skills. Turns out when I've had a few drinks I'm terrible at this game (even though I'm 10 seconds behind everyone). "Poor predictable Bart. Always picks rock"... "Good ol' rock! Nothing beats that!". My brain is kind of like that.

A cute and sad little comic about Reindeer left to their own devices.

Yemen? Ya man! (Yes, that's terrible, I know). But who knew I wanted to go to Yemen? I didn't know that!

Finally, this will be the absolutely cutest thing you have ever seen and you'll instantly become obsessed with having a slow loris as a little desktop friend that holds his little umbrella and looks up at you with his massive eyeballs, and then maybe hands you a pencil or a candy and you say "thanks, slow loris!" and you just know you'll be best friends forever. BUT NO. People hunt them for their large eyeballs so they're on that terrible endangered list and maybe this would be the last slow loris to ever even hold a tiny umbrella. And that would be the worst tragedy to hit mankind. THE WORST. Yes, even worse than you, current Japanese earthquake, and you seem pretty BAD ASS. Poor Japan.

Later, boners.

Horse!

2011-03-09T09:00:00.000-08:00

via

Goddammit why can't I have a horse like that? Or look like that on a horse? Also, I don't like wearing shoes either. This woman has my life, obviously.

Stuff No One Told Me

2011-03-07T07:00:00.000-08:00

Have you seen this blog Stuff No One Told Me? Man, I wish I could draw. And think funny and interesting little sayings up. Like "If your cat like to throw up on the floor, don't leave your shoes lying around" or "If you lose something, check Starbucks" or "Check expiry dates often. The answer will often surprise and terrify you".

Slow is the New Fast

Porn and Disney

Work Slowly

I always do, son. I always do. Hey, remember that Seinfeld where George just asks annoyed and frustrated when anyone in the office asks him to do any work? It totally works.

Get This!

2011-03-04T09:52:00.000-08:00

I've got nothing today! I'm going to have to start making stuff up. Uh oh.

The Best Picture On the Internet

Anyways, here's what got a big old gold star in my Google Reader this week, and also in my mind.

An extremely cute engagement video. Gawd, I hate them so much. Couples happily in love! Oh wait. My boyfriend reads this.

Mudskipper: fish that lives mostly on land. Get the eff out. I'm pretty sure that means people could be living under the sea anytime now. Any... time...

Amazing Google Street View images. I wish I could spend all day looking through Google Street view for amazing things. Actually, that doesn't sound too fun.

Breast milk ice cream? Well, now the possibilities are endless. Fettucine alfredo? Cheese?

Alphabattle! I realized "d" is a pretty passive letter. Goddammit "d", let's kick some ass!

Hope everyone has a good weekend! I made a deal with Duncan to stop watching reality tv for a little while, so I'm gonna jam as much shitty television into my weekend as possible before this whole "lent" thing.

Winning!

Muppets

2011-03-03T07:00:00.000-08:00

Love this minimalist muppets print from Eric Slager

Goddam, those muppets are funny little people. Fozzie Bear was my favourite when I was little, and I think he's a newer one but I love Pepe the King Prawn too. And the old men (who I learned today were called Waldorf and Statler) were funny with their pantomime-esque jokes in the balcony.

Who was your favourite muppet?

Bad Ass Jewelry

2011-03-02T07:00:00.000-08:00

I feel like I'm lacking in some bad ass jewelry. I can't quite pull off the pretty, dainty, little feminine pieces because of my mammoth hands and just overall appearance (it just doesn't work), but I'm loving some of these pieces, all found on Bona Drag.

Aesa Abracadabra Pendant

Made Her Think Silver Hex Ring

Iosselliani Gold Skull Earrings

All For The Mountain Mothership Ring

Iosselliani Eagle Earrings

Why do you need money to buy things? Who invented that system of trade? How about I trade you a pumpkin and a life lesson for those earrings? Deal. (The life lesson is "don't trade your goods for pumpkins, unless it's for a bigger pumpkin")

Weather Up (Brooklyn)

2011-03-01T13:32:00.000-08:00

I just want to make sure I don't forget the name of this amazing neighbourhood bar we went to in Brooklyn called Weather Up. It doesn't have a sign on the outside (or maybe anywhere?) so for a simpleton like me it's very confusing.

I loved the white subway tiles outside and in, and the cocktails the suspender-wearing bartender mixed up were the most delicious tasting things ever.

via

Holy Crow!

2011-02-23T10:53:00.000-08:00

This is incredible and terrifying. It made me google "people killed by crows" in case I ever come across this in my everyday life. Apparently no one has been killed by crows. OR LIVED TO TELL ABOUT IT.

via National Geographic

I can't decide what sort of animal attack would be best or worst. Here are the possibilities I'm considering:

a) Millions of crows. I actually don't think this seems to bad because it would be so frenzied and loud, like you were in a tornado of crows. Also, I don't know if this is how it works (when you're murdered by crows) but I like to think that there's so many of them they'll each just pick away a little bit of you and carry you off to far off lands and you'll be scattered all over the Earth. It's sort of romantic.

b) Thousands of Piranhas. I don't like this idea one bit. It doesn't seem fun or romantic and I think little fish shouldn't have teeth like that. If you're a fish and have teeth you should be a big shark, so that everyone knows you're scary.

c) Polar Bear. I thought this would be sort of ok, but then I stumbled upon photos from a polar bear attack. Let me just warn you that he was basically scalped and I can see through his ankle. I can see a lot. But I still sort of feel badly for polar bears because of how they're all drowning from global warming melting all their ice floes they sit on and have little nice parties with narwhals and seals. I'm pretty sure that was what Al Gore was saying when he was on Oprah.

d) Lion. No problem. I think he'd only kill me from suffocation due to cuddling too much. I can take that.

e) Moose. I've never seen a moose with antlers in real life, and it's something I really, really want to see. I've seen a moose with no antlers and it was o.k. I guess, but I want to see some antlers, dammit! So if a moose is gonna attack me, he better make sure he has his antlers on, or I'm gonna be pissed.

f) Elephant. I'm torn on this one. I think elephants are the sweetest, most emotional sort of animals and I love all those crazy elephant stories of mourning and grief and vengeance and everything, so I'd be pretty upset if one turned against me. I'd be all "Dude. Really, bro?" like when Ronnie and The Situation argue about the bro code.

A Love Story

2011-02-22T13:05:00.000-08:00

Between a boy and his sandwich. I try to throw myself and my cats in the mix, but the sandwich is the real true love. Here are some of my favourite pages from the bookie-poo:

You can see the whole thing here

(you flip pages in the bottom right corner)

Romance done.

Get This!

2011-02-18T16:02:00.000-08:00

I discovered a new form of torture last night. It's called "cycling into hail" and it turns out I'm pretty good at it. To make it extra tortuous, you just don't wear socks or a jacket and you make sure your feet are really wet. Also, go downhill really fast. It's so tortuous. I'm an evil genius.

Matte Stephens

Now, I didn't read as much of the internet as I'd like, or as I usually do, but I read my fair share this week. Here are some highlights:

Sheep Are Awesome (from Kelli/Bug Miscellany). I dare you to watch that and not want to be an extreme shepherder. I DARE you. I tried and failed. I now have a life goal.

I like this idea of washing myself with a rock. OR you could have a shower sort of inside a rocky cave and then just rub your back on it, like a bear does against trees and things. I like this hibernating thing bears do too.

I hate to think what my four icons would be, but I think they'd be somewhere along the lines of beer, tv, cat and toast. Wait. That doesn't sound so bad.

That is BAD. ASS. Having a record player in your car. Man, remember as a kid not wearing your seatbelt and crawling all over the car and everything? That couldn't fly nowadays. We're being robbed of our freedom!

And speaking of ass, it's now available in liquid form. FINALLY.

Isn't marzipan gross enough as it is?

I would love to drink this and eat this. Can someone help me does this stuff? Melissa, I'm looking at you. You can bring your whisky in a tupperware container again if you'd like.

Have I talked about Axe Cop before? I'm getting a little Axe-Cop crazy.

Later, boners!

Natural History Museum

2011-02-16T15:38:00.000-08:00

Or the Museum of Natural History. Whichever one. The one in New York. We went there before Christmas!

I had never been there OR seen Night at the Museum, so I was extremely excited. And did you know you actually can spend a night there? Or maybe it's just for children, but you really can have a big sleepover in the museum. I would sleep in the belly of the whale. It would be cozy. And crazy!

I loved the animal exhibit setups they had. I hate the idea of taxidermy in a way, but I just ignored my own opinion for the moment and enjoyed those little dead animals in their make believe scenes, which I must say, were lacking inspiration. Lots of fields and grass and grazing going on, but was there even ONE animal flinging poop? Nope. Not one. That doesn't sound like nature to me.

Apart from that, it was really, really, really, really.... good.

Bunnies!

2011-02-07T11:07:00.000-08:00

Look at these cutie pies. Now, no offense to babies, but I sort of think bunnies are cuter. I've never once looked at a picture of a bunny and thought "he looks kinda creepy" but I've definitely seen some babies that make me a little frightened.

via

And then there's this guy. The North Koreans want him for his meat. (Well, not just him, but a bunch of them!)

via

Get out of here! That sucker is huge. I wonder if he likes snuggling. I think he could eat my cat.Or me! Oh please let it be my cat. No wait. I don't know what I want.

I don't know why I decided to look at bunnies today. I think it's because I saw a Cadbury cream egg yesterday. That explains it.

In other news, I'm a wee bit hungover today. And it's Monday. I blame the Superbowl, but really it was the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills and vodka. Also tequila, beer, pancakes, eggos and pizza. All of those things.

Miroslav Sasek

2011-02-02T09:55:00.000-08:00

I love children's books. They're so charming and magical, and I used to love to read as a child. When I have my own child I'm gonna shove so many books down it's throat it's gonna hate me! I'll shove brussel sprouts and knowledge and good will and comedic timing down it's throat too. That's how parenting works, right? You just shove things down the kid's throat? I got it down.

So anyways, I love THESE children's books, by Miroslav Sasek. They're a delight!

via

I think I'll write one titled "This Is Rock Bottom" or "This Is Your Emancipation Hearing". Just in case.

Get This!

2011-01-28T10:57:00.000-08:00

I think I was just saved from my hangover by a doughnut. It was the most delicious rescue ever.

via

I'm slowly catching up on reading basically the entire internet, and a few things caught my eye:

Goat is the new monkey. I'm down. They're hilarious.

In a perfect world, I'd have these plates. All of them.

I also want this Edison alarm clock, but I don't know how the snooze feature would work. I'm a big fan of snoozing. I snoozed for 1.5 hours today and it's not even noon! I'm productive!

Let them chew coca!

"A study has found that studies need to find more previous studies to cite in current studies." - The Awl

The next time someone asks you to participate in some meatball sandwich horseplay, just say no. Or it will ruin your family and two people will die.

Fried poo sticks? You had me at fried. Lost me at poo a little bit, but then got me back with sticks.

Later boners! I'm going hot springing this weekend! (I think it's Duncan's gentle way of telling me I need to bathe).

Flower Engineer

2011-01-27T15:00:00.000-08:00

I've made a lot of poor life choices in the past, but not becoming a flower engineer probably tops them all.

(from Andreas Verheijen)

Why can't my walls be flowers? I hate my life.

Hobo Speak

2011-01-26T13:58:00.000-08:00

via

Now if you'll excuse me, I have some learning to do. It's tough out here in the jingles.

Little Known Facts About Me

2011-01-18T12:49:00.000-08:00

1. I don't like biting into apples. Mainly this is because I'm scared my teeth will break, since they're veneers after having smashed my face into the cement on my bike. But I also don't like biting into apples because I imagine I look horse-faced when I do. Although I also think I look horse-faced when I yawn, and I yawn all the time, because frankly, you bore me.

2. I feel like I have at least one fly in my ear holes sometimes. I hear it go "whoosh", and then I make myself look slightly retarded by pressing my ear down towards my shoulder and probably twitching a little. I'm not retarded. I just think I have a fly in my ear.

3. I don't like the whole vampire craze. I don't care about vampires. I like werewolves, because they're really just like wolves pretty much, and when I was in grade two the wolf was my favourite animal and I wrote that in my journal ten times every day about how much I loved wolves. Also, Teen Wolf was a great movie.

4. I tried to watch a video the other day about a giant centipede catching and eating a bat, but I couldn't watch all the way through, because although I thought the centipede looked sort of cute with all his legs and I know he has to eat something, I just felt really bad for the bat, because he was probably just flying around with his friends and then he gets eaten. That's a sad ending. UNLESS it was a trick title and no one gets eaten and they sort of high five eachother and then have brunch?

5. I don't like participating in things if it's not my idea. Yes, I'm a party pooper. My friend Andrew used to say something like "Did you have a big dinner?" and I'd say "Why?" and he'd say "BECAUSE YOU'RE POOPING ALL OVER THIS PARTY". Except usually they were trying to get me to agree to having a pie thrown in my face, and not like, participate in a bake sale. Boys!

Back to the Grind!

2011-01-17T11:20:00.000-08:00

January is so stupid. I don't like it at all. But it's here and without even noticing it's even half over.

So some of you (like, maybe two) noticed that I hadn't been around for awhile. Now, sometimes when people are sort of MIA for a bit and then come back they have a big announcement to make, like they got engaged or became an astronaut or something. Not me! (Although I did lose my cat for one day and I discovered that I can tuck my jeans into my boots, which for me was a big revelation. I don't know why I didn't think I could do that before, but it just didn't seem to be a possibility for me. It makes no sense).

So I have no announcements. I was away because I was visiting Duncan's family in New York and Scotland, which was mostly pretty uneventful because of the blasted weather keeping us indoors. But it was nice. His family is nice. And get this! They're polite and respect each other! They're the type of family that you think only ever belongs in movies. But they're real people. It's fascinating.

Anyways, I hope to stop watching those stupid Kardashians long enough to do up some blog posts one of these days.

Humbug

2010-12-14T12:20:00.000-08:00

Ok guys. I'm admitting defeat. Packing it in. Throwing in the towel and all that. On this holiday stuff that's just so cheery and infectious. Everyone out on the internet is decorating and baking and crafting the shit out of this holiday, and it's made me feel less than adequate. I can't keep up.

(I watched "Keeping Up With the Kardashians" for the first time the other weekend, and nothing really made a lot of sense and they kept doing stuff and maybe going to Miami and having a baby and all this weird stuff, and I said "I can't keep up with these Kardashians" and THEN I realized that what I said is basically the name of the show. But I didn't even realize that because TV totally brainwashed me. So now I have to rethink all my brand loyalty because I just can't trust myself anymore. And I have to buy toothpaste tonight and I don't really know the difference between Crest and Colgate, and I just want something to protect my enamel because I'm deathly afraid I'm losing enamel on my teeth)

So I've developed a plan. This year for my New Year's Resolution, I'm going to resolve to start making resolutions, so that next year I can resolve to get this holiday crap done EARLY, like summertime. Actually last night I bought gift tags on sale for me to use next year because I already have all my gift tag stuff worked out for this year. And I have TWO sets of unused Christmas cards that I can NOT use next year, and some tissue paper from already opened presents that's not too crumpled.

Did you see what happened there? A hoarder was born. I even have 2 cats already and their litter box is pretty, pretty full. "Do NOT touch that poop. Do NOT touch it. Wait, I need to go through that bag. There's old foreign newspapers and disappointing Kathy comics that I cut out like a crazy person. I shouldn't be allowed to have scissors. But my scissor room is over there. I've got millions of them. In that room there, with my shower curtains and Fraggle Rock toys. Watch out for that cat! Oh wait, it's dead. Nope, it's a raccoon. Nope, it's one of my babies. SOMEONE PROCREATED WITH ME."

Bless this mess.

Get This!

2010-12-10T17:14:00.000-08:00

In one week (more or less), I will be going to the Museum of Natural History, a NY Knicks/Miami Heat basketball game, and the Brooklyn Flea Market. Could I BE more excited? No.

via

Now, what did I find interesting or hilarious or ridiculous this week?

Body fishing in China: "...somebody has to do it, right? Otherwise our river might get too full with bodies."

A creepy interview with a creepy hand model. She seems so dumb and weird.

Changing your name to Captain Awesome? Awesome. (I'd aim pretty low though, because I'm modest like that, and go with something like "Crew Member Just OK")

Pasta carpet.

Ducks being blown away by the wind. Oh my! (The music to go with this video is questionable)

I've always wondered what it's like to be the captain of a cocaine submarine.

I want to have a private library with this sort of stuff one day. Not public. Private.

I wish my street had pretty painted stripes.

And that's the end of that chapter!

Happy Weekend! I'm gonna sleep for one million hours this weekend.

Mitten Kitten?

2010-12-07T17:35:00.000-08:00

What... are... YOU?

Donna Wilson

"I'm witty and sneaky, I like playing hide and seek and dislike tomatoes."

I love mittens, and I love kittens, but this sorry guy just fills me with all sort of rage and disappointment. He seems neither mitten nor kitten. BLAH!

Jellyfish

2010-12-07T12:32:00.000-08:00

I feel a little bad if these are killed specifically to be placed in glass, but they're pretty nonetheless.

Dam & Karlslund Glas

Although, apparently jellyfish are pretty much taking over the world, so I think people should maybe stop eating little lambs and cows and things and maybe start scarfing down on some of these sea monsters.

Discover Magazine

Jellyfish creep me out. They totally belong in outer space.

Get This!

2010-12-03T15:42:00.000-08:00

I got a ticket for not wearing a bike helmet. What a bunch of fascists.

I think the government is in cahoots with helmet manufacturers, just like they are with Big Tobacco and all those other evil corporations. Obviously the Big Helmet guys have way better lobbyists because so many people buy into this idea of helmets being safer, but some studies show that's just not true. There's a major government cover-up here, man. And I just became a victim. I'm always a victim. Like the time I was in the express line at the supermarket and the guy in front of me had a cartload of groceries and he's like "oh sorry, didn't realize it was an express lane" as he's unloading all his crap, and I'm standing there holding my foil balloon thinking "why did I line up behind this moron?". But then I realized I was the moron for standing behind him. See there I was a victim of my own stupidity. And it hurt.

Aqua Velvet Retro Graphica - Mid-Century Album Covers

Oh well. La di da. It's Friday, bitches! Here's the nonsense I've been filling my head with:

Facebook involved in 1 out of 5 divorce cases.WTF and LOL. Check out these facebook sneakers too. I'd divorce someone if they wore those.

A letter from a little girl urging Abe Lincoln to grow a beard. "All the ladies like whiskers". True dat, little girl.

I would love to make this pretty wine bottle light thing, but the chance of me severely injuring myself drilling a hole through glass is pret-tay, pret-tay, pret-tay good.

400, 000 square feet, 50-person cinema, multiple swimming pools, ballroom, staff of 600, $200,000 monthly electric bill. Who are you? Mr. Burns? Do you have albino rhino slippers too?

Because of all those chuckleheads that needed to feel like they made something, I now need to add fresh eggs, milk and oil when I bake cakes using cake mixes. Kidding! I don't bake, silly!

Avoiding your father right now? You're probably fertile and want to screw him.

I'm kinda glad this week is over. I'm pooped. But then another one is just gonna start again next week. The weeks just keep coming and coming and they don't stop. Just like the mail. Except my mail. I don't seem to get any. Unless you count "current occupant".

Have a slappy, happy weekend!

Drawing Cats

2010-12-01T17:44:00.000-08:00

Americans, please tell me that one of you bought this groupon deal for a hand drawn cat from I Want to Draw a Cat For You. $3! One of the highlights is: "confusing holiday gift".

I was bummed that it was only for U.S. residents. Well, first I was mad. Then I was a little sad. Then I was hungry. And then I was sad again. And then I cried. And Maggie cried. Then she laughed. She's such a little trooper.

The point is: I drew some cats.

Hades is a confused little fellow who's scared of bugs, peanuts and audible breathing. He enjoys walking backwards really slow, constant meowing and throwing up. His favourite book is: magazines.

Marley is a downtown alley cat from Peg Gritty who doesn't take no for an answer. She enjoys stealing food, breaking shit and giving sass. Her favourite food is: McNuggets.

Speaking of cats, have you seen this cat town in Florida some guy built? There's a cat-sized Walmart with little shopping carts. Meow I've seen it all.

Hamburger Cookies

2010-11-30T08:00:00.000-08:00

The other weekend I actually did something. Since baking just sort of boggles my mind, I tried my hand at "assembling". So I assembled me up some hamburger cookies (vanilla wafers, mint patties, icing and sesame seeds).

My adorable little niece, Leta, helped out too! Isn't she cute? A friend of mine says she looks like Shrek. Haha... she kinda does. That probably makes me the donkey.

It was a lot of hard work, but it's over. So that's my domestic task for the year.

Balloon Lamp

2010-11-29T13:35:00.000-08:00

I love balloons, and sometimes lamps too! (From La Tête Au Cube)

Although I'm pretty sure I don't need to spend 32 € to put an LED light inside a balloon. Oh wait, the switch part. Well, mine will just be ON I guess. It's kind of like a positive statement piece, like when Yoko Ono had a ladder that climbed up to a sign that just said "Yes". My "Always On" balloon lamp will kind of be like that.

Get This!

2010-11-26T16:12:00.000-08:00

I knew a boy that could swallow frogs whole and regurgitate them hours later and they'd hop away. My brother and I made that boy swallow so many frogs that summer.

So here's how I wasted my time this week. My sweet, sweet time.

National Geographic

Do you think the statue is slowly coming to life now? Maybe this means another Ghostbusters movie.

I now can waste even more of my time here. On my death bed, when I'm telling my grandchildren about all my regrets in life (never watched Dexter or the movie "UP", for example), at least I won't have to say "I never spent enough time on the internet, looking at things". What a relief.

Johnny Rotten farts Jamiriquoi frontman Jay Kay out of first class seat. Maybe I can try to fart my way INTO first class.

"Posterboys of Intolerance" - Guido and Detlef the gay German vultures.

"You losers can keep totin' moleskins."

Rat vs. Cat. Oh my.

Boobs in 3D. Oh my.

Men don't like cuddling? Shut. Up.What about this cuddly looking bear? No? Dangerous? But he looks so sleepy. Wait! Wait a minute. Wait. Can you cuddle bears while they're hibernating? Also, do bears poop while they're hibernating? I don't want to be pooped on.

Have a holly, jolly weekend! (I've been feeling festive!)

Teepee for Kitties

2010-11-25T16:42:00.000-08:00

Montreal Designers

I really want my cat to hang out in a teepee. All my life, that's all I've ever wanted.

Folk Embroidery

2010-11-24T17:39:00.000-08:00

I have a terrible habit of thinking I can do or make everything myself, and unless it's a pretty basic sandwich, that simply is not true. "Pfft, I can weave that rug", "Pfft, I can bake my own bread", "Pfft, I can diagnose myself".

Parna

So when I hear myself say "I can embroider like that", I'm starting to feel a bit like a crazy person. What is this fantasy land I live in? I have no magic and I can feel the cold. I don't even have any peanut butter at home. What sort of person chooses this kind of fantasy to live in? A crazy person. And that's me.

I love this embroidery, and I wish I had a grandma that did this sort of stuff. My grandma plays bingo and cries a lot.

To Do List...

2010-11-23T14:38:00.000-08:00

That, let's face it, will likely be for the most part ignored.

1. Make a wreath. I like this square one.

via Post-College Working Girl

2. Buy some fabulous mittens for Casie as part of a mitten swap. This one actually will get done. I promise you, Casie.

3. Write Christmas cards to be mailed so people actually get them at Christmas. (I don't know if this is a brilliant idea or not, but I'm debating writing cards for maybe multiple years in a row and just sort of rotating a standard greeting around. That's something Scrooge would do, isn't it? I have no cheer.)

4. Do some sort of baking or vacuuming or something to contribute to the household.

5. Read a book. Not a comic book.

6. Do something amazing with felt balls.

I hope I do at least 3 of things. That's a pass, right? Just trying to scrape by in life.

Missing Unicorn

2010-11-23T09:30:00.000-08:00

So someone went around and put 2000 posters up for a missing unicorn in NYC.

I can't decide if this is a really cute idea, or a really stupid one. I think the idea of a missing unicorn poster is sorta fun, but then if you think about making a poster, getting 2000 printed, schlepping all over town to put them up, creating a website, and all that EFFORT. Well. That just seems nuts.

The Missing Unicorn in Oregon

Oh wait. It's art. But then so is a poo necklace?

I started googling things about evidence of unicorns and then found out about real people that have grown horns out of their foreheads, so then I started googling about those monsters. I mean people. And then I found this horrible page called: 16 Most Horrific Human Growths of All Time

So if you've recently swallowed poison and need to get that out of your system, have a little peek. I always thought one of my most irrational fears was being on that TLC show "I didn't know I was pregnant", but now I think it may just be developing "gigantic face tumour".

Sesame Street Mittens

2010-11-22T10:47:00.000-08:00

I've got mittens on my mind, and I'm loving these Sesame Street ones from Urban Outfitters.

Bert, Oscar the Grouch, Ernie, Cookie Monster

But where the eff is BIG BIRD?

Get This!

2010-11-19T14:43:00.000-08:00

My mom got knocked off her bicycle by a GOOSE! That always makes me laugh! Man, I wish I was there for that.

via

Things I found interesting on the internet this past week:

Old space movie shots. I need to see this. Or live this.

Prettily packaged goods carried by a new grocery store in Vancouver. I would almost buy those sardines just for the tin. But then I'd feel sorry for the sardines.

I have an incredible sense of smell. Uh oh.

Pretty little deer print . La dee da!

James Blunt prevented World War III? That. Is. Bananas.

I don't totally understand this math joke, but I have a feeling it's really clever.

I guess I'll have to start doing things naked to get things done. I'm a terrible procrastinator. I'll just start enjoying my weekend on Monday, that's how bad I am. Did that joke make sense? Was that a joke? I don't know. If James Blunt saved the planet, I just don't know what to think any more.

That's it. I'm going bowling. Last time I bowled I got a turkey! (That's 3 strikes in a row, for all you non-bowlers. As if there are any non-bowlers!)

Later, boners!

Efreeme Giveaways

2010-11-18T10:35:00.000-08:00

Hey-o! Want $50 to spend on efreeme.com? Go enter some giveaways!

Art Deco Bangle

$50 giveaway here: The Lil Bee
$50 giveaway here: Yes and Yes
$50 giveaway here: So About What I Said
$50 giveaway here: Busy Bee Lauren

Krystal over at Village also wrote a blog post about us, and her blog is better than hungry hungry hippos.

If you sell handmade or vintage goods you should look at selling on efreeme. It's more fun than playing Operation. (I'm feeling a little nostalgic with my board games today).

I just had to sort of plug efreeme a little bit today, and I also wanted to share these giveaways going around.

And... that's it. I feel a little awkward now.

My Christmas Guide - Part 2

2010-11-17T12:12:00.000-08:00

So I'm a little greedy. I love presents. I balance it out by also loving to give presents. But then I also love to give myself presents a lot, so maybe it's not so balanced.

Skova Elephant Necklace

Elephants are so magical. Some friends once told me a story about an elephant in Thailand that was abused as a little baby by this one trainer, and later on when he was grown and saw the trainer again KILLED him! But never harmed any other people. I don't really remember the storyline to Rambo, but I think this elephant is kind of like Rambo. The trainer drew first blood and now he got his come-up-ins.

Timex Easy Reader

I'm trying to turn myself back into a "watch person". I used to live in my Rescue Rangers watch when I was like, eleven. This is a more grown up watch than a watch with two squirrels on it. I've matured.

Francine Bracelet by Barrett Alley

I have elephant sized wrists, so I wouldn't dare ever buy a bracelet without trying it on or having it advertised as an anklet, because my wrists probably are the same size as your ankle. And my ankle is probably the same size as your neck. Jewelry is all mixed up for me.

Friends of Trees by Dan Stiles

The mountain guy reminds me of Grimace a little! He was my favourite. Hamburgler was ok, but in a weird way he reminded me of my grandpa.

Rag & Bone Fair Isle Mittens

Yes. I do need mittens that cost $195. They're my fancy pair I wear to events. Like hangovers. It's a good thing they have dummy strings because I would not want to lose these fancy mittens. I don't like to lose any sort of mittens. I don't even like to lose buttons. I'm a terrible loser.

Le Ballon Rouge

2010-11-16T09:55:00.000-08:00

via Uppercase

This is one of those movies that I sort of think I've seen but really I don't think I have. What is a fact, though, is that I want to see it. More importantly, I want a big round red balloon like that. That's the real lesson here.

Get This!

2010-11-12T12:46:00.000-08:00

via

I once waterboarded someone (sorta). It's not a Liz Lemon quote like last week, but it's something. I was pouring beer into Duncan's mouth while he was lying down and pretty much didn't stop until he choked on it. By accident. I was shocked at myself. Shocked and ashamed.

But anyways, here is what I've starred in my reader this week, because it made me laugh, made me scowl, or made my eyes twinkle. Maybe all three.

I will never get sick of amazing nature photos. Never.

Do you know why I love nature so much? Because porpoises rescue Dick Van Dyke.

Some more vintage travel posters.

This cat family is the cutest.

I want to try making this recipe, but think I'll end up doing something like this instead.

Crazy beauty advice: "If you like liquor, have it straight. Mixed drinks add calories and fluid. A straight whiskey will get you where you want to be as quick as a Manhattan, and you'll be thinner when you get there."
—Polly Bergen, Polly's Principles (1974)

Right-o. But I do prefer a nice beer in a pink plastic garden flamingo. Whiskey seems to lead me to night swimming, and it's a tad cold for that. And there's no way I'm wrestling with a wet suit after a few drinks. I somehow feel like that could be dangerous, maybe with a risk of suffocation. I'd find a way to make it dangerous. I thrive on danger. I eat expired food, like, ALL the time.

Have a great weekend, full of danger and mystery and pancakes!

Story Books

2010-11-10T13:09:00.000-08:00

I loved reading books when I was little. I want to say that I still love reading, but since I haven't read a book in probably a year or so, I'm resisting that urge. Wait, does Snoopy count? He's actually pretty clever you know. I love when he's the red baron.

Anyways, here are some of my favourite childhood story books:

Corduroy

I loved Corduroy. Look at that cute little bear. He lost a button! Didn't he seem so sad in a way? Sad and cuddly. What a combination! I loved that bear. I bet you money I cried during this story. I probably still would. I cry at almost anything on the Family Channel. Especially when a nerdy underdog tries out for a sports team and then against all odds saves the game in the final seconds.

But No Elephants

But I love elephants! Listen old lady, just let the elephant come in the house. You can't discriminate based on species. There's just not P.C. I would let every animal in the house I think. Duncan says the cats aren't allowed in the bathroom, but I still let them in. I'm fighting for animal rights every single day. It's a real struggle.

Popcorn

Halloween party and a house full of popcorn! There is no way they could've eaten all of that popcorn. But that's why it's a story and not real life. I could maybe eat a closet full of popcorn though. OH YES I CAN.

The Goat in The Rug

This story is about a girl and a goat and a dream. A dream to make a rug. So she gets the wool from the goat, the pigment from the berries around her house and she spins and weaves, and there's a loom involved and the goat is always happy. I'm gonna be so pissed off at myself if I go through my entire life without being friends with a goat and making a rug from his wool. For SURE in my top 10 things to do in life. Goat. Rug.

Walt and Pepper

Look at that sassy cat! Such a classic cat and dog story. They each stare out of their own windows, across the street from one another, and threaten to bite and claw the other to pieces. Every day. Oh man, do they hate each other. Until one day, Pepper is not at the window anymore. And Walt thinks Pepper has backed down. So he feels all tough and prances around proudly at his window, thinking "shit, ya!" The next day too. Still no pepper. And the next and the next. Walt breaks down a little, starts getting soft. He's a little worried about Pepper. He misses Pepper. "I went too far" he thinks. But then! Pepper is back at the window! And their tails are wagging and they're smiling. Turns out they sort of love each other. And the romantic comedy was born.

Gertie & Gus

This book was based on that proverb about leading a horse to water, but not making him drink. No. That's the wrong one. It's give a man a fish and he'll eat it, or teach a man to fish and he'll eat lots of fish. That one. The only thing is that success gets to their head, and they start buying nets and boats and diamonds, and shit just ain't real for them anymore. The bear just wants to eat his fish, but his woman bear wants this fancy lifestyle like the Real Housewives have. I forget exactly what happens, but somehow they make up and just eat their fish forever and forever.

Pickle Things

Now I've never read this book, but I'm pretty sure I'd love it. It's a pickle in some sort of Victorian tower house? Yes! And he looks like a happy fella! Do you think he gets himself into a "real pickle"? What sort of adventures would a pickle have, I wonder. I'm pretty sure that tasty little guy would be having an adventure straight into my mouth! I think I need to read this book. I'm pretty sure I could squeeze it in amongst my Snoopy reading.

I'll start reading adult books again. One day.

Chihuly

2010-11-08T17:01:00.000-08:00

I don't think I'd ever want to stand underneath one of these chandeliers, but they're sort of amazing to look at! Whenever I've seen glass blowing, I always sort of want to touch the burning hot glass. I think I'd want to touch lava too. It sort of sounds like this "survival of the fittest" thing may not be such a great thing for me, hey?

I really love looking at glass pieces, but they always seem so impractical. Especially these. These seem a little murderous. I tried googling things like "death by chihuly" and "chihuly glass accident death" and things like that, but found nothing. I think I've stumbled onto a major cover up operation here. Don't be too flattered if I send you a Chihuly sculpture and a case of wine. I probably want you dead.

(All photos from Chihuly.com)

Weekend!

2010-11-05T13:23:00.000-07:00

via

Yes! I love weekends. I always have such hopes and dreams that I'll actually do something really exciting on the weekend. Like make a knot board. But I usually spend my time watching TV and being hungover. Not this weekend! This one is different. I have NO TV and NO INTERNET still. I'm gonna do shit! Like listen to records, play at the beach with my niece, screen print some tote bags for the Got Craft show, play basketball, unpack...

Yes, I feel the motivation coursing through my veins.

I also thought that I, like many, would start sharing things I found funny, interesting, amusing or dumb on a weekly basis, so then it feels like there's a reason for me to "star" things in Google Reader. So here's what I starred in my reader this week:

Tutorials (I hope I actually do these ones!): Earring display & Cuckoo Clock!

Married people are no fun and spend less time on personal care.

Mid-Century Album Covers

I keep wanting watches!

A sombre speech in the event of a moon disaster.

How had I never heard of Niki Jones before? Vintage quilts! I need to win the lottery.

Yearly photo at a shooting gallery. (It's sad no one's crowded around her in the last one! Aw.)

Oh man, I want to eat this so bad right now. (I've got a stupid salad for lunch)

Later, boners!

Get this!

2010-11-04T16:11:00.000-07:00

My gynecologist committed suicide!

No, that's wrong. But that's the only line I ever think of when I say "Get this!" now. Thanks, Liz Lemon.

But get this! Some lovely lady passed along a blogging "award" to me, and seeing how I'm trying to participate in things a bit, I'll participate in this one too. As with everything else in life, there are rules. I hate rules. 5 second rule? Nope. No sex in the champagne room? Nope.

But let's see these rules:

1. Thank and link back to the person that gave you the award. Boom. Done.
2. Pass the award on to 15 amazing bloggers you’ve happened upon and love. Oh. ok. I see.
3. Contact those bloggers and let them know they’ve won. Oh man, that's lots of work.
4. State 7 things about yourself. Ok, but I need a drink first.

So 15 amazing bloggers in random order from my reader:

Bitchin' Camero - great food blog, and her photos are gorgeous. I dont' even like food blogs much and I NEVER follow recipes, but even I tried to make these repochetas. I screwed them up a little but I blame the lack of good corn tortillas in this town.

Catalog Living - I know it's really popular so it's probably nothing new to most, but I think it's funny and look forward to the posts.

Dear Libby - Kendyl and I were good friends growing up and she's an amazing artist. One time we drew all these amazing things in sidewalk chalk on the sidewalks near her home (well, she drew them and I helped colour them in) and then a mean lady made us wash them all off with a hose. It was a sad day for the arts. (Also, she made that awesome cake above)

lovemaki - her blog always looks pretty.

Checks and Spots - Always interesting! Check out these hyena men!

erban - adorable dogs in red wigs? YES!

{ bug miscellany } - I had to look miscellany up just now to make sure I knew what it meant. A fun, well rounded blog that I enjoy to read!

Huzzah Vintage - They do lots of amazing giveaways and the blog is awesome and hilarious. Proud to be sponsoring them this month (well, efreeme is, which is basically my own damn pocket).

The World in Bricks - They haven't posted anything since May, but still. Does this count? It's lego art!

Cornflake Dreams - A new blog to me that I've been enjoying very much. Very, very pretty.

Tiny Warbler - A very dear friend with a beautiful blog that she admittedly neglects. I still like it though, and it just makes it that much more exciting when I see it bold in my reader and I think "Yes!". I have passed this paper garland tutorial on to quite a few people, because it's one of the best looking paper garlands I've seen. Wouldn't you agree?

That's 11 now. Good enough? Let's just call it a day. Also, is it ok if I don't contact each of them? Who do I speak to about that?

The important thing is that I tried my best. My best just happens to be sub par. (I'm going to do those 7 things about me tomorrow, or maybe one of the other days after that. Ok?)

Log Driver's Waltz

2010-11-04T11:50:00.000-07:00

Lately I've been feeling a little patriotic. Which is kind of a stupid way to feel if you ask me. But I do love me some maple syrup and that log driver's waltz.

Working Animals by Mattias Adolfsson

2010-11-03T14:22:00.000-07:00

I love illustrations. I wish I could draw even a little bit. I think I could just draw animals all day.

I love these busy guys by Mattias Adolfsson. (via Behance Network)

I wish my cat could saw things for me, maybe build a shelf or table or something. It just pooped on the floor the other day! What a jerk.

What do you think these guys are building? A ship? A museum? A dinosaur?

Bug Log

2010-11-02T16:01:00.000-07:00

Years ago, I rented a place for a few months that ended up having bed bugs. The guy we rented from was a movie set decorator, and the decor in his place could only be described as "70's porno pad". Think velvet paintings, signed photos of topless women (one was a busty lady named Watermelon who sold mushrooms at the nude beach), excessive lava lamps, mirror headboard, polaroid cameras, and leopard print blankets. It was pretty awesome, even though we had to deal with our toothless neighbour, Floyd, who I'm pretty sure smoked crack in the stairwells.

So we had bed bugs. It was pretty terrible, but we only realized this about 2 weeks before we were moving out, so it wasn't so much our problem. We started a "bug log" which was pretty ridiculous yet pretty glorious at the same time. I even emailed it to the guy we were renting from (he never replied). And this would be the part where I preface this madness by saying that we were dead sober, but that would be lying.

via

Bug Log Archive
Bug Date 03/10/06
Bug Population: 200 - infinite
Bug Population in Captivity*: 4

*Captive in Crazy Glue Cylinder

17:04:00... Bed has now been made and prepared for slumber... problem ignored.
18:22:00... Homeland Security Advisory System: Code Red - Severe Risk of Bug Attack. Panic spreads among inhabitants, supported by the NRA, Coca Cola, NBC and Tom Hanks.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Bug Log
Bug Date 03/20/06
Bug Population: Unknown - believed to be in hibernation, possibly migration(?)
Bug Population in Captivity*: 0

*Previous captive population flushed down toilet in fear of prison break

11:14:00... Bedroom quarantined. Bug chemical deterrent applied on box springs and areas of habitation. Study of bug behaviour leads to hypothesis that pre-determined feeding habit may be followed, perhaps led by "super" bug, resulting in a fluctuation of frenzied feeding periods followed by bouts of stagnant hibernation. Hibernation ensues.
16:55:00... Quarantine period concluded. Absence of observed casualties baffle humans. Febreeze distributed to freshen quarantine zone. Freshening successful.
18:39:00... Further study of behaviour reveals that bugs may be attempting to appear that they have left the area of infestation. Although bites remain, physical evidence of bugs remains minimal. Conclusion: Bugs: 1, Humans: 0
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Conclusion: The psychological and behavioural study of bed bugs remains a mystery to all. Discarded mattresses outside the observed infested area lead to the theory that infestation is not an isolated problem. Chemical warfare has been unleashed upon the opposing bugs. No casualties have yet to be observed, making the bugs a worthy adversary indeed. Operation "Shock and Awe" commences under pretense of illogical nuclear arsenal in bug possession.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ok. At least I used lots of big words. I also worked at home at that time and didn't go outside too much and used a lot of that bug poison, so I think those factors all combined to make me just a little bit of a psychopath. It was temporary. I'm cool now.

Although I still send a lot of stupid emails to the lucky people in my contacts. Luckily, I've discovered the undo button in gmail, which gives me a few seconds at least after I hit send on a stupid email. (Although I'm usually like "nope, that's gold!" SEND!). So now I'm sending this off to the internet. GOLD!

Vintage Travel Posters

2010-10-29T13:19:00.000-07:00

When I was younger, my only dream was to travel around the world. I had delusions of being some sort of wandering free spirit that didn't wear shoes and said "right on, man" and smoked from hookahs and had run ins with foreign police. I'd be a cross between Dean Moriarty and Sissy Hankshaw, and I'd be on the road. Just GOING, ya dig?

Turns out that's crazy talk. I'm way too simple for those sort of adventures. I would probably explode. I quite literally had a dream last night that I was in an elevator. And that was it. Just being in an elevator. So my dreams have changed a little bit. I've lowered my expectations a tad.

UNLESS we're talking about time travel. THAT I would be all over. I love the big ol' stupid internet, and sure it makes things easy, but it really takes away the romance and mystery of travel. Places just don't really seem exotic anymore. I want to live and travel in Hemingway's Africa, in Kahlo's Mexico, in Glassco's Paris, in Neruda's Chile. In their times. When pianos bars were smoky and filled with jazz and blues and the air of revolt! When the early morning streets were dirty and dusty and filled with songs fueled by tequila! When the air was filled with voices and language and laughter and secrets!

These posters take me there. To that time, to those places, to that magic. (All images from grain edit)

I can not believe people actually shoot animals. Come on. Watch some Disney movies. Side note: I almost got hit with a piece of a toilet bowl at a football game in Argentina. Another note: I did get hit with a frozen fish at a hockey game in Canada. I know what it's like to be a target.

I love this. TABLES TURNED. Nowadays I've heard of radioactive boars being on the rise around there, which probably makes hunting a lot more interesting. And more radioactive too.

I went to Switzerland and had a cheese fondue, and it totally makes sense that they advertise cheese as a reason to visit. DEE-licious. Second reason to visit: cows wearing bells on their necks.

I would definitely go to Finland if I got to go there by way of flying fish plane. Maybe even in a regular plane.

I want to go to Africa so bad, but I sort of die in the heat. Also, a lot of what I know about Africa comes from those commercials about foster kids, and I really don't like the idea of flies crawling all over my face. The other bit I know about Africa comes from the Simpsons episode where they win a trip there. "I want to ride in a convertible with zebras, punch out Mohammad Ali, shoot a lion in the face..."

I love Paris, even though there's lots of dog poop. The bums drink wine out of paper bags in the streets! You know what's in the paper bags here? Glue and syphillis and a world of broken dreams.

Participation!

2010-10-28T15:25:00.000-07:00

I don't normally participate in things (lazy! lack of motivation!) but I thought I would join in this game of tag going around to help me finish off my work day.

It started with kelli g. of bug miscellany and then went on to Brooke Ann Dove of On the Wings of a Dove and then Ana from Erban and then Maddy from Madeline Elle. Probably others too.

What is your theme song?

Ca Plane Pour Moi by Nouvelle Vague - I don't know any of the words.

Where is it you are dying to visit?

Africa. I want to see all those animals before the poachers get them.
I also want to have breakfast with giraffes.

Namibia

If you were a cupcake, what flavor would you be?
Cherry-vanilla, because I'm just a little bit sassy, but mostly I'm boring and watch too much tv.

via

If you had an arch nemisis, what would his/her name be?
Sir Walter Alarm Clock. I'm a sleepyhead.

via

If you could live as any ficitonal character, which would it be? Why?

Maybe Big Bird because then I'd be best friends with Snuffy.

Andy Goldsworthy (and my terrible temper)

2010-10-26T14:29:00.000-07:00

I've loved Andy Goldsworthy's work from the first moment I saw the documentary Rivers and Tides. That was the day the Documentary channel proved its worth to me, and then cemented that proof with a film about female pimps later that week.

via

His work is beautiful and soothing and calm, although painstakingly tedious to construct. In Rivers and Tides, it shows him piling stone after stone to make his signature hive structures, only to have the whole thing collapse on him after hours of work. He looks defeated, sure, but he just sighs and starts piling rocks again.

That is some impressive self control.

I just recently used a metal file to file some skin off my thumb, and then proceeded to stab my hand with a screwdriver (I drew blood, no biggie). So I threw the makeshift bowling pin lamp at the couch and shrilly exclaimed "I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS RIGHT NOW!". At that point I can't help but think to myself: "take it easy, lady". Take it easy, indeed.

Farm Animals

2010-10-25T11:27:00.000-07:00

I think it would be so great to grow up on a farm, around animals. I like to think I'd be like Charlotte from Charlotte's Web where she tried to save the animals instead of slaughtering them. Oh wait. Charlotte was the spider. Well, that's ok too. She tried to save Wilbur also. But I was really talking about the little girl in the story.

Anyways, here's some pretty photos of farm animals, all from National Geographic.

Black Sheep

Poor little black sheep. I loved when we were in Scotland last year around lambing time or whatever it's called and all the little baby lambs were in the fields with all these turnips (which I though were rocks). Lambs and turnips make a very adorable combination.

Pigs

Now that's adorable. And even the momma is pretty cute. Although this pig reminds of Jackass 3 when a pig eats an apple out of a very fat bum. That poor pig. It must have really liked apples. I thought pigs were supposed to be smart, but eating bum apples isn't very smart.

Stallions Fighting

This fight scene seems a little forced. No one is really into it, and I just don't see any intensity in their eyes. Stallions, you're fired. Pretty hair though.

(Intense) Shetland Cow

See this guy? You can't even see his eyes, but you know he's intense. That is one intense cow! He is very, very focused on something. Or he's sleeping.

Cows

This is like an ad for a dairy campaign or something. Happy cows with access to fresh water, a huge field for grazing and the prettiest open sky. Across the water? Abattoir.

I hope one day I'll live in a nice little place where I could have some little animal friends and maybe a goat that would stand on a cow, like in that Radiolab story. I would still never tell custom officials that I've been on a farm though. That's still an acceptable lie (even though I really want to tell them: "I was on a farm! I saw little baby lambs and touched a cow!")

Mondays

2010-10-25T09:46:00.000-07:00

Am I the only one who hates Mondays and loves lasagna?

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Oh yeah.

(It's wet and cold and I just threw coffee all over my telephone. Also, my eyebrows look like Andy Rooney's today. Monday! Bah!)

Ridiculous

2010-10-22T13:17:00.000-07:00

I get it that people want their weddings to be special and original and full of magic, and some people get it right, but sometimes things just seem so phony and and showy and ridiculous. I realize I'm being a bit of a party pooper on this "love" idea, but oh well.

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This guy is wearing shorts. And holding onto a hot air balloon. The hot air balloon IS pretty cool looking. But still.

Ridiculous.


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This guy is wearing riding pants, and they're white. And there's no way she's riding a horse in that little dress. She does not need to be wearing a helmet.

Ridiculous.

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Um. No.

Ridiculous.

Losers

2010-10-21T12:47:00.000-07:00

Yes, we're losers. We're not going to Hawaii. Not yet. I guess we'll just have to settle for New York and Scotland. Ugh. This recession!

I hope to finally go the Museum of Natural History in New York. I'm excited to go with Duncan's 4 year old nephew, Auden, who is pretty much a dinosaur scientist. He also knows that platelets help blood to clot.

I love museums (ignore the fact that it's been about 10 years since I've been inside a museum). LOVE them. Truly.


American Museum of Natural History, Ostrich \| New York, New York 1977

American Museum of Natural History, Rhino | New York, New York 1977

And then to Paris one day to see these beasts...

Museum National D'Histoire Naturelle | Paris, France 1982

There's something creepy about taxidermy but when there's a bunch of dead animals all together in a pretty building, I sort of want to see that. Very Indiana Jones or Ernest Hemingway or something.

All photos by Richard Ross

Hawaii in My Head

2010-10-18T17:40:00.000-07:00

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Duncan and I entered a draw to win a trip to Hawaii, and tonight we find out if we win. I have a good feeling. Like the time I kept buying coca cola products in college so I could win a bike. And I won. Then I gave the bike to my mom and it got stolen. So I guess the thief won that one actually.

Anyways, now I've got Hawaii on my mind. I've never been, and I picture it as a perfect paradise with lots of sunsets and hibiscus flowers and surfing.


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You know what else I think there's lots of in Hawaii? SHARKS. I think some biologist or scientist (someone much smarter than me) said that in Hawaii there's basically always a shark near you. It sounds a little exaggerated perhaps, but I basically picture something like the below. Except I'm a little bigger than her.

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I don't think it helps that I'm plump like a seal either. I hate being scared of sharks, because I actually think they're kinda cool. Poor misunderstood, murderous beasts.

My Christmas Guide - Part 1

2010-10-18T13:01:00.000-07:00

For me and other cool cats.


Cuckoo Clock


Some little gold animals

Nixon Time Teller (White)

Beaver Ring


Lapis Lazuli Ring


Royal We Necklace

Quoddy® tweed and leather grizzly boots

Chances are I'll end up buying some of these things myself before Christmas. I'm not very patient. And I'm a big fan of buying myself presents for special occasions.

What's on your wish list?

Theatrical Ruins

2010-10-15T10:58:00.000-07:00

There's something so beautiful and haunting about abandoned buildings. I love old theatres. Best thing: no people (except maybe some phantoms).

(All photos from Yves Marchand & Romain Meffre)

RKO Keith's Richmond Hill Theater, New York

Loew's Palace Theater, Bridgeport

Fabian Theater, Paterson

Central Park Theater, Chicago

Casino Theater, New York

From Yves Marchand & Romain Meffre:

"In the early 20th century, following the development of the entertainment industry, hundreds of auditoriums were built everywhere in North America. Major entertainment firms and movie studios commissioned specialized architects to build grandiose and extravagant theaters.

From the 60's, TV, multiplexes and urban crisis made them becoming obsolete.

During the following decades, when they were not modernized or transformed into adult cinemas, they closed one after the other and many of them were simply demolished.

Those which remain forgotten, escaping from this fate, were converted to varied purposes.

Now, many are reused as churches, retail, flea markets, bingo halls, discos, supermarkets or warehouses. Some others just sit abandoned.

This work, started in 2005, is currently in progress."

BC Footwear

2010-10-13T16:05:00.000-07:00

I used to have these shoes a few years ago, and I loved them. The left one was just slightly different than the right one. I was wearing them when I first met Duncan and drunkenly pointed that out to him as I blathered on about how much I liked my shoes. (That's called "being smooth", ladies)

(The shoe is called Coast to Coast and it's made by BC Footwear)


Discontinued! Can't find these anywhere.

I've been trying to find them again, but all my searches have proved fruitless! It's so hard to believe there's not one pair out there on the internet somewhere. I wore these things until they were practically torn off my feet. Damn these elusive devils!

P.S. If you see these shoes somewhere, would you mind letting me know? Thanks kindly!

Eastern Europe

2010-10-12T15:58:00.000-07:00

And why I think it's so enchanting:

matryoshka dolls

beets (beets, bears, battlestar galactica)

castles


dracula

textiles

gypsy caravans

accordions

I resisted the urge to put Count Chocula on there. What would you add to the list?

Knot Board

2010-10-08T09:53:00.000-07:00

I'm going to try to attempt to make a knot board this weekend. Well, maybe sometime soon anyways.

I've always thought it's a good skill to know knots. Luckily I'm not a single man with a pony tail who plays with toy trains in his basement, or that would sound a little scary.

Maggie Rose

OceanFare

I like these things.

Small Dreams

2010-10-07T16:04:00.000-07:00

Love some of these photos from Aleix Plademunt. I feel like these would fit nicely in an American Road Trip photo album I'll have one day.

That shoe doesn't have a lot of windows. If I lived in a shoe, it would have lots of windows.

Is it possible the school mascot is Superman? That's a lot of pressure for those kids. It would be cool if their rival school had a big clump of kryptonite outside their school. That would be bad ass.

I will never call it an apatosaurus. It's always a brontosaurus in my heart.

If all bears were like Yogi bear, I wouldn't be so afraid to sleep in the woods. A collar and tie can really make a bear look classy and non-threatening. I like that's he's always picnic-prepared too.

Smile of a Stem Cell

2010-10-06T13:38:00.000-07:00

I feel a little proud of myself today, so I'm trying to boast a little of this petite triumph on the internet to, you know, make it official and leave my legacy a little bit.

In actual fact, I haven't done anything at all but answer a few questions and click a consent button. But in a different sort of reality, what I have done is offer up some little ol' stem cells of mine. Isn't that sweet? The chances are that no one might ever even want them (ya right, my stem cells are NICE!), but at least I'm giving it a try, no?

I think I'll feel like a hero if someone ever actually uses my stem cells and I SAVE THEIR LIFE, just like Batman would. Although they could also maybe turn out to be the next Hitler, and that's a lot of pressure on me. I don't want to feel responsible for any sort of genocide. Again.

(All photos from EuroStemCell)

It also reminds me that I need to send in my organ donor registration. It's like a Diana body part giveaway today! I have a feeling that my hands and feet might go unwanted. Rightly so. I wouldn't take them either. Tradesies?

Take a peek at onematch.ca (or onematch.com in the U.S.) if you're curious about donating too!

Fred Flintstoning Animals

2010-10-04T17:42:00.000-07:00

Remember how Fred Flintstone would always use animals as tools and machines and stuff, like vacuums and cement mixers? And the bird or whatever would squawk "It's a living!" I loved that stuff.

Anyways, here's how I'd use some animals to get me through my day:

Walrus

Can opener. Or turn him upside down to use as a fork lift. Or use as bean bag chair with handles.

Killer Whale

Jet Ski. Or assassin.

Electric Eel

Power cord for appliances. And you plug it into a potato. That's how science works, right?

Mallard Duck

Quacking phone a la Jersey Shore house (1st season). The technology behind this would involve a vast network of cans and string. And a Snooki to make me laugh.

Mexican Axolotl

Tamagatchi virtual pet, except a real one.

Galapagos Tortoise

Bus. Or bumper cars (somehow). This one is a little tricky to execute, but I think it may involve centipedes.

"It's a Living!"

Vintage Efreeme

2010-10-01T17:28:00.000-07:00

I love vintage stuff. It looks so charming. I wish I knew more old people so I can hang out in their houses and maybe go through their stuff a little bit. Here are the kind of things I would steal from them:

Wood Grain Thermos-Brand Thermos Set by Comfuzzed

I love thermoses. And wood grain. They're a solid team.

Doily by English Vintage

Doilies are so pretty and just a little bit useless. Which means I pretty much want to buy every one I see.

Air Mail Stamp by GoatsIsUs

I kind of have a thing for airplanes. I think "pilot chic" should sort of replace "naval chic", if that's even trendy anymore. It's hard to stay hip. My phone doesn't even have a touch screen! Do you see my disadvantage?

Duck Napkin Rings by Comfuzzled

For times I pretend I'm sophisticated and use a napkin. Or you could use these to hold scrolls.

Brass Deer Set by Kambri

Tiny little deer with funny noses. I like how one is so casually grazing and the other is all paranoid and perked up. What an odd couple! I guess the paranoid one is right to be on the watch for hunters, but the other mellow one is probably just munching away, thinking "dude, you're harshing my buzz."

"And that's the end of that chapter!"

Wooly Bully

2010-09-24T16:55:00.000-07:00

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I love these wooly bullies. When we saw them in Scotland, I asked Duncan if people ate them, and he said they're mostly just ornamental. At first I thought "what a dumb way to describe an animal!" but then I guess it's like calling someone a trophy wife. And I'd much rather have this cow than a pretty lady.

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I think these are the cutest things ever. They sort of remind of those hairy circus performers like Lionel the Lion-Faced Man, but hairy people aren't really as cute as hairy cows (sorry Lionel).

The Prairies

2010-09-22T16:46:00.000-07:00

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I have a love/hate thing with the prairies. I love the simple understated idea of them, but having grown up there with nothing around for pretty much a day's drive, I hate those boring fields of canola or whatever it is.

Yet I love the idea of me sitting in a golden field of hay with my horse and goat and pony and little sheep that I never had. We'd be a tough ass crew! There'd be so much poo everywhere! We'd chew on cud all day and just run around and frolic and then go sleep in the old barn. A DOLLHOUSE barn.

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(but I originally saw it on Got Craft)

Yep. That's where me and my farm animal gang would live. I guess it's pretty much a regular house with plexi glass on one side, but it still looks all pretty and painted and lit up.

I remember having doll house furniture but not having an actual doll house. What kind of sick joke is that, mom? What kind of kid can just play with tables and chairs and a dresser?

And now, living in Vancouver, I probably won't ever have a real house either, thanks to these ridiculous million dollar housing prices and my very own extreme lack of motivation and planning for my future. Maybe my first step to a real house is to get the doll house I never had. Oh man, I don't want to be that weirdo adult that goes all nuts on their dollhouse and they don't even have any kids. Ok, so first I'll get a kid.

(This is feeling very "If you give a mouse a cookie..." except backwards, and with no mice or cookies)

Story of Random Words

2010-09-14T17:41:00.000-07:00

So a little while ago, I wrote up a little birthday story about my amazingly magical birthday trip that Duncan whisked me away on. I'm getting so spoiled. He said for next year I'll need my passport. It just gets bigger and better! I'm pretty sure I'm working my way towards a unicorn. (I'll let you pet it, no biggie).

At the end of my birthday story, I mentioned that if people wanted to send me a list of 10 random words that I'd write them a lovely card or something with those words worked into a story or message. I forget exactly what was promised, but the point is, I didn't really do anything. I'm pretty upfront about me being less than motivated. But a couple of you had suggested some random words, and now I'm going to use them here (and some other words too!).

So thanks to Danielle of Sunday Hatch (words: spleen, prove, world, anesthesia , No!, beloved, golden, mattress, sleek, help) and also from the lovely at Pink Dandy Chatter (words: love, stuck, lightning, trouble, mother, table, visit, time, toast, flowers).

***Just a petite warning that this stupid story is a complete waste of time, but I feel obligated to post it anyways, because really, I have nothing better to do. I'm sorry. I'm truly idiotic***

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Golden Beak and Ruby Shoes

She was an odd creature, with her beak and sparkly red heels, taking pulls on her cigarette as she harassed the passersby. She had thin spindly legs that she teetered on as she stood by the old steam clock, ignoring the sneers from the school kids and the sleek advances from the old gentlemen.

She was a sad creature. She knew she was a special bird-lady in this town full of ordinaries, but she had never been outside this town. She was stuck in this dreary town of nobodies and nothings. She's never had the chance to spread her wings and fly, to prove it to these simpletons that she was better than them, beyond them. She wouldn't have had this beak and these shoes if she wasn't, and she knew it! But she had been frozen in this town the moment her beloved father died, and her heart died with him.

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She relived that morning every day. Her mother sets her toast on the table. Says "darling, I have some sad news." A pause of concern. "Your father... is dead. It was a death by lightning bolt. It got him, and it exploded him. He basically exploded."

"No!" she wailed out of her beautiful golden beak. "No!" She didn't say much more for the rest of the day, but rather dragged her mattress out to the yard, sat on it, and wept. She waited for the lightning bolt to come get her too, her golden beak just like a beaconing rod, just like her father's. "Explode me!" she'd yell at the sky! "Explode me, you sons of bitches!" But it never exploded her. Nothing exploded her. So one day she had to pick herself up off the ground and drag the mattress back inside and get on with her life.

She took up smoking. She was about to head off into this big wide topsy-turvy world to go out and find the rollercoasters, the gypsies, the other golden-beaked creatures, and the mountain dew. She needed excitement, and adventure, and a laugh riot to really shake her up, get her out of this funk. She needed help.

She took up drinking. She experimented with rums and vodkas and elderflower and cherry. She added basil and mint and tiny little flowers to the rims of glasses. She slurped her inventions daily, sucking the last drop of vodka from a mammoth pimento stuffed olive like it held the answer to all of life's problems, the solution to her never-ending heartache. It didn't though, so she would try the next olive in the next glass. They all proved fruitless.

Until one day it didn't. She popped a giant, juicy green olive into the shiny, golden beak of hers and her world slowed down. With one swallow, it happened, the pain in her heart was gone! For one sparkly second she could breath with ease, she was lifted, she was happy and pleasant and free of worry and full of love. For just one moment only though. You see, the pain had simply just moved. To her spleen, where trouble was brewing. It felt different, like it was fat and swollen and on fire. She decided it was not heart-ache in her spleen. The heart-ache was gone, but her spleen was very likely exploding inside of her.

She called the local health authorities and was whisked away in a bustle of flashing lights and noisiness. They poked and prodded at her beak and laughed at her pretty shoes. She didn't want any trouble with these people, who held her little life in their hands, so she stayed silent and helpless and scared as they spoke about her as though she was already dead.

They wheeled her into an operating room, STAT. There was no time for forms and pleasantries with doctors and surgeons. Next came the anesthesia. Then the surgery.

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She woke the next day feeling lighter and nauseous and frightened. Her eyes could barely open and it felt as though her face was being crushed by a vice. She reached for it to make sure it wasn't. What she found was so devastatingly worse, she wailed so loudly it shook the entire hospital. Patients were woken from comas, crying babies ceased to cry, wounds were cauterized by the sheer electricity her voice.

Her beak was gone. Her beautiful golden beak had been removed, replaced by an ordinary one, a nose. It sat on the counter like a dull trophy ready to be binned. Her sparkly ruby shoes next to it, sad and worn. Her spleen was likely gone too, but it didn't seem to matter so much amidst these atrocities. What did her spleen ever do for her? Not like her beak, full of mystery and wonder and magic. Now she was like all the other ordinaries. Ordinary.

It felt boring and plain and dull. She felt nothing, nothing in her spleen and nothing in her heart. She just lay in the boring, plain, dull hospital bed being a boring, plain, dull ordinary person. She saw a boring family go past her room, on its way to visit an ailing family member. A little boy carried some shiny balloons in his chubby fist when he caught a glimpse of her. He looked shocked and surprised and delighted! His eyes opened wide and his little smile widened as he began to rush towards her.

He reached his hand out towards her head, and gently stroked it. She looked sideways at their reflection in a mirror and saw a magnificent display of feathers and plumes on the crown of her head!

"Look how pretty!" the little boy said to her. It was pretty indeed. Colours like key lime and velvety purple and burning sunset orange and the royalest of blue. Even tinges of gold peeked through this forest of feathers, reminding her of her lost beak. She had lost her beloved father and and her tremendous golden beak, but in that process she had grown a glorious crown of feathers. She was not an ordinary. She was still a very special bird-lady indeed.

THE END.

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The moral of this story is that even if you get your spleen removed and they accidentally removed your beak at the same time, you might gain a glorious crown of feathers!

OR

The moral of this story is that I will always find the most ridiculous way to spend my valuable time when I have actual things to do. You want me to clean the bathroom? NOPE. I'm reading up on the invention of peanut butter. You want me to write thank you letters for lovely birthday presents I received? NOPE. I'm sorting my t-shirts by colour. You want me to actually work at my job? NOPE. I'm writing a ridiculous story about a bird-lady with a golden beak and ruby shoes and looking at lettuces that look like people. Ridiculous.

THIS IS WHY I DON'T POST VERY OFTEN. Thank your lucky stars.

Efreeme Gems

2010-08-31T13:04:00.000-07:00

Another roundup of some lovely items from efreeme (a new, free, handmade & vintage marketplace). It's so easy to go to the Stores tab and browse stores by looking at the thumbnails of their recent items. The results are random, so I can just look at the first page of 25 stores and find loads that I love!

So here are a few:

Vintage Lemon Yellow Rose Post Earrings by Ben & Oliver

Less than $10 for these sweet little beauties. Including shipping to Canada or the U.S. So simple and pretty and would look great with lovely dark hair. Check out more of their pieces in their store at http://benoliver.efreeme.com/

Crazy Leggins by Blim

$55 will snag you this sweet pair of leggings (including shipping in Canada). Blim is a great community arts facility located in Vancouver, BC that hosts workshops on DIY screenprinting, knitting, etc. If I could look like that in those tights, these would be mine. Check out their other unique finds/creations at http://blim.efreeme.com/

Squizzles Fluffy Pink Kitty Cat Plush Toy by MonsterBunch1

$30 for this little darling (includes postage!). Look at those pretty eyelashes! I'm a pretty big sucker for these sort of monster animal things. I just find them adorable! Check out MonsterBunch1's other delightful creations at http://monsterbunch1.efreeme.com

Citrine Nugget Pendant and Copper Chain Necklace by Arlene Marie

$15 gets you this pretty gem (including postage within the U.S.). I love big chunky stones and could see myself wearing this daily. You can find other fabulous jewelry finds by Arlene Marie here: http://arlenemariejewelry.efreeme.com/

Remember that when you buy from someone on efreeme they don't have to pay any sales commissions, so more of the money will go towards the seller. Also, the more people that use efreeme to shop and sell, the better chance I have of perhaps one day quitting my job to work on efreeme full time. Isn't that something we all want, hmm?

So if you want to make dreams come true, please spread the word about efreeme. You can grab a button for your blog on the Happenings page, or follow us on twitter or facebook, and of course support these wonderful sellers who are obviously very smart people since they know a good thing when they see it! (And if you do a blog post about efreeme, please let me know so I can add the link to the Happenings page!)

What are your favourite items on efreeme.com?

Gail Armstrong Illustrations

2010-08-27T16:13:00.000-07:00

Look at these beauties I found on the internet, at a place called IllustrationWeb. These are all done by Gail Armstrong, who obviously is very talented. She calls her technique "Paper Sculpture Illustration". I call it: "Pretty Good Stuff". Now, I'm no art critic (clearly), but I like to respond on an emotional level, in the same way I respond to panda bears and peanut butter cups. With my heart.

I think planes don't make any sense to me. How can they fly? They're so big and they can't flap their wings like birds. I don't really know how birds can fly either. I guess I don't understand flight. I'm no astronaut (clearly) or the kind of engineer that works with planes (goddamit I know there's a word to describe a plane specialist person!), but.... oh man, I don't know how to finish that sentence.

Ah, snow globes. One of my greatest regrets in life is not having a snow globe collection! Also, I wish I had worn more hats so I could have become a "hat person" and everyone says to me "you suit hats!". Wearing hats and having snow globes... that's the life I long for! My prediction for my untimely death will be: Me, My palatial estate Xanadu, and a snow globe with a hat in it, and as I die it falls out of my decrepit arthritic hands, and I whisper "chapeau...."

How cool would it be if this cardboard factory actually made cardboard? That would take a lot of cardboard to make a factory that makes a lot of cardboard! How would it not start on fire? Where would the bathrooms go? Oh man, this is a logistical nightmare.

This piece stirs up so many conflicting emotions. I loathe the wind and how it makes my ears feel funny, but I love how wind farms look and how slow the blades seem to move sometime. I like how she made these wind turbines look like they are growing from the ground like pretty blades of grass. I'd love to be a wind farmer, but I don't think that exists. Plus I live in an apartment.

I like this reindeer guy. It reminds me of that claymation movie Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, which I loved. I was always a little scared of the Abominable Snowman, but now I like him too! I feel like I've really grown up and expanded my horizons. I bet I could play E.T. on Atari now and not be scared of when the spaceship comes to get Elliot, or E.T. or whoever it was. That game made me nervous!

This paper giraffe is cool (I don't understand how that's even paper still), but one day I want to see a REAL giraffe, and do you know where I'm going to see it? Giraffe Manor in Nairobi, Kenya. I'm gonna see loads of them. And we'll have breakfast together, because that's what you do at Giraffe Manor. They peek their heads in the window and you have breakfast together. FOR REAL. I bet some of them could even play checkers maybe. Or, I could teach them. I think giraffes seem really laid back, like they could hang out in smoky jazz lounges, listen to Billie Holiday and smoke heroin or something. Is there a Disney movie that makes me think that or something? I guess that doesn't sound like Disney.

Anyways, all these retardedly awesome illustrations can be found here.

Birthday Story

2010-08-20T16:49:00.000-07:00

The perfect day started in the morning. See, that's odd because sleeping in is probably one of my most favourite things to do (and would you know that not sleeping at all may be the next favourite. Funny, that).

But I awoke. Rather, I was woken. By Duncan, urging me to open presents. And another strange thing happened. I said No. TO PRESENTS. This was an eerie Friday the 13th, indeed! Up was down and left was right, and the whole world went all topsy turvy and I'm pretty sure my elbows were now my knees. Pretty, pretty sure.

But I eventually succumbed to peer pressure and opened my presents. Peer pressure is pretty great and I'd recommend it to a lot of people. Because do you know what I got out of it? A BOWLING PIN, muthafuckas! A sweet, beat up, bad ass, old bowling pin.

I also got an old brass propeller, a pair of vintage silver candlesticks and a Diana camera adapter lens thing for our digital SLR (still pretty sure the bowling pin trumps them all)

So after the bowling pin excitement, I start to get ready for work and a day of drudgery. But HOLD UP, says Duncan (he didn't say that exactly, he can't pull it off). "ARE you going to work?" he asked nonchalantly and a little bit sneakily (which he can't pull off either). See, I'm pretty with it, and I think "this dude is up to something". And he was. I was free from my dull work duties. Now, a weekday full of pajamas and People's Court probably would've been enough for me due to my very high standards in life and everything, but instead we wound up in Coal Harbour, about to board a little float plane, Victoria bound.

I felt like a snaggly toothed, overly plump d-list celebrity, with my dark glasses and cute hand luggage.

I love float planes now. Even though it was one billion degrees inside before we took off, and I kept thinking about how fires and planes didn't go together very well, and how those tiny scratches on the inside of the windows were probably from people trying to escape this burning inferno.

Everyone else seemed so nonchalant about being on what's basically a flying boat, but I was going a little off the deep end in my head. I know it's not as fancy as even a regular plane but it's got a really classy air about it. I'm pretty sure that people who regularly fly in float planes have more exciting lives than people on the boring ground. Like Indiana Jones. So I played it cool, real smooth-like, like I was one of them, a float plane person. I also resisted telling everyone I saw that it was my birthday, especially after the lady checking us in told me I was getting wrinkled. She was referring to my bent driver's license, but still, POOR CHOICE OF WORDS LADY! Doesn't she know that I'm a swanky float plane person now?

And we're here. In pretty little Victoria town, at the very swank Empress/Fairmont. It's steeped in Canadian history, just like our tea, which this fancy pants place is known for.

So we splurged on this ridiculous $55/person tea and topped it off with champagne. It was too perfect to somehow be a part of my world.

I really don't know why he takes me to such fancy places. I spilled half a bottle of champagne in our bed. Doesn't he know me? You know the five second rule people have about eating stuff off the floor? I don't have that. See, who am I kidding! I'm no float plane person. I'm a ground dweller, a bottom feeder, a floor eater. It's just a matter of time before I'm able to remove all my teeth. But when I'm down HERE, on the ground, with the rest of you chumps, I dream of the sky and the stars, and that cartoon where that bear would surf on clouds. I COULD BE THAT BEAR. Goddammit, this is AMERICA, or close enough, and in America we don't give up on our dreams! This is the land of the free, the brave, and Pocahontas!

So for one glorious day, I was like these balloons here, floating gracefully towards the heavens, ever upwards and onwards, full of dreams, hopes and gas.

But that's me now, the yellow one there, on its way down to the ground to rest in a heap on the floor, just like the rest of these balloons lying in a heap on my floor.

It was a perfect, perfect day though, and I'll probably continue gushing about it until I'm dead. Maybe even after that. It was that good. I can make that happen.

To reward anyone who actually read this entire mess, I thought I would try something fun. I like fun! So, if you email me your address and up to 10 random words, I will try to write you a nice little card or something else pretty with those 10 words included. Then you get a nice little handwritten card in the mail. I'll even try to have it make sense. (I said TRY). Is that fun? I guess not really, but maybe it's fun to me, and that's what really matters.

Efreeme Gems

2010-08-10T16:50:00.000-07:00

I am going to try to make this a regular little post to plug efreeme a bit. For those who don't know (shame on you), efreeme is a little old website I came up with to sell vintage and handmade items. And like JLo's love, it don't cost a thing! If you REALLY want to support all these talented artists and crafters and vintage vixens, then you really should be shopping on efreeme since more money will actually go to THEM and not some smug fat cats!

So here's my little roundup of some great efreeme stores:

Holly E Photography

These lovely photos are from Holly E Photography.(ignore those silly watermarks!) I bought some nature prints (the museum series) from her and I love them. I just need to find frames and then maybe a new, nicer, bigger apartment by the beach to hang them in. Why are turtles so cool? I think it's because they look sleepy.

Bambu Earth

These soapy delights come from Bambu Earth. Their store is awesome and their item descriptions are inventive and entertaining! Geniuses, these Bambu folk. The first is a Man Soap with Activated Charcoal, which makes me think he'd shower and shave with this soap, go outside his log cabin and then chop down some trees like a big ol' lumberjack. This black soap just looks cool and rugged. The next soap is a Spicy Coriander Shea Butter Hemp Soap with Orange Clove. There is so much going on in that soap! I want to join THIS party!

Temporal Flux

And these pretty little pieces are from Temporal Flux. Judging from the store name, they're way smarter than I am, because although I've heard of those words and probably even used them in my very own sentences before, I don't think I actually know what they really mean. These little charm pieces are very adorable though. Most things miniature are very very good - like ponies, pineapples and piglets.

Have a look at all the wonderful efreeme stores and let me know your favourites! Bonus points if you're a seller not already on efreeme and you open a store! More bonus points if you then tell other people about how wonderful and magical efreeme is and THEY open a store or buy from one of the efreeme stores. At the end of this week I will add up all the points and the winner will get a very sweet and sincere thank you from me, and maybe a handful of jellybeans if they live in Vancouver and don't mind meeting me at the beach. Also, I really have no way of adding or tracking these points, and they also don't really exist. But the jellybeans are real. And I am too. I promise.

My Disappointment

2010-07-27T19:17:00.000-07:00

Internet, you are one mad roller coaster ride. You give me presents like MRI's of Corn and Animals being Friends, but now you disappointment me with this blatant false advertising.

It started off innocently enough: I saw an ad for goats for sale. It's a dream of mine to one day have a goat and pony and they'll be best friends together! So I just wanted to see how much a goat was going for these days.

So I clicked it, this ad titled "Goats for Sale".Only to be directed to this:

Not a goat on the page! Can you believe it? FOR SHAME, INTERNET. For shame. Although I did find something called Super Horny Goat Weed, designed to increase power and performance and support normal sexual functioning

Here I thought it was for some horny goats that just want to mellow out, man. It's a good thing I don't know a goat, or I would have bought him some as a surprise! I wouldn't want to see that (but I bet it's on the internet somewhere... you're so gross, internet)

(I wouldn't actually buy a goat online. I was just curious in regards to goat pricing. I'm very interested in goat economics. I would definitely rescue my goat from goat bandits or something if I ever get my own goat. He will be RESCUED by me, and I'll be his hero)

Weekend Plans

2010-07-23T17:10:00.000-07:00

Every weekend, I try my absolute hardest to pretty much do nothing, and that is probably the hardest thing to achieve. Duncan is always on my case to "get out and do stuff and go outside". What? Like watching Golden Girls and talking to my cats like they're people isn't doing anything? And the balcony door is open to let the outside "in".Yesterday I blow-dried my hair instead of falling asleep with a towel around my head. That's as ambitious as I get. He should know me by now.

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He went as far as buying me a wet suit a few weeks ago so I would start going kayaking with him. I think the most difficult thing I've ever done in my life is put that thing on in a warm store change room with the salesperson right outside talking to me. I was jumping and swearing and sweating and cursing my obviously arthritic fingers (I've self-diagnosed that arthritis). You'd think man hands like mine would come with some sort of enormous finger strength, but mine didn't. (Thanks Dad, for your useless gorilla hands)

So I'm going to try to relax this weekend, probably on the beach with some magazines that are half a year old, and also attend a series of bbqs where I have to defend portobello mushrooms as a superior bbq item. (I love portobello mushrooms on the bbq, I don't know what they're talking about). I know some people are able to live these fabulous lives AND document it with photos and words and everything, and the truth is they're just superior people, and I accept that. I can't drink 12 beers AND remember to remove a lens cap when I take photos. But they can. AND they even upload them in a timely fashion. Who are they? Superman? Or at the very least Aquaman? Respect...

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(P.S. Meredith, if you're out there, I will get your birthday photos to you sometime before your next birthday. Hey, maybe that'll be a birthday present! Which I still haven't gotten you yet either. Or from the birthday before. I'm not done painting those nesting dolls. I still have a Pilsener can and a potato to do)

You Are My Fave is my fave

2010-07-18T22:02:00.000-07:00

I stole that title from the wonderful Melanie over at You Are My Fave. See, she said "efreeme is my fave", so I say it back. That's how life works. It's circular. Sure, I may have had to become a sponsor for her to endorse efreeme, but that's politics son.. that's politics.

She could very well have another website called You Are Hated By Me, and maybe efreeme will be on there next week. That's called flip flopping, and that's what Democrats do.

If I had a website called You Are Hated By Me, here's what I'd feature:

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Standing ovations & encores. They're just not special anymore. They don't mean anything. I've been meaning to write to Larry David about this, because I'm pretty sure he'd have my back on this one. Here's a really great article about the Standing Ovation Problem (SOP). I will not SLEEP until this problem is solved. I will not stand for it, this SOP disaster.

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Airport Security. What a joke. I can't take water through security, but an empty glass container that I can SMASH into a deadly weapon is fine. I really really want to try getting on an airplane with a packed parachute and the whole outfit and everything with goggles. Do you think that would work? I think someone should try it and let me know before I buy a parachute outfit and goggles.

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Fat cats. No, not my cats that are a little rotund (BIG BONED, dammit!) I mean the fat cats on Wall Street, like the Monopoly man driving his hot rod all up and down the block, smoking a cigar and running over peasants, like ME. They all have boats and butlers and smoking jackets and then raise their children to be like Olivia Palermo from The City. Someone on that show once said something about there being two types of people: "work horses and show ponies". Umm, I think I'm a donkey. And donkeys hate fat cats. Circle of Life.

My life is pretty good considering my only problems are standing ovations, airport security and fat cats. I saw a kid today wearing a shirt that said "I've got 99 problems but my dancing isn't one of them". If my kid was wearing that shirt, I would get a shirt made that said "I've got 99 problems and my kid wearing that shirt is one of them".